How much time on screens do you allow your teens?

[SpaceOddityDumbFounded]

Help! I need some input as to the "norms" of teenage screen time. Please share your thoughts..... my DS just turned 14 and has ALWAYS had limited interest in anything not involving screens. When at home, he either wants to be gaming on his PS4, editing videos of his gaming to upload to Instagram or is nose down on his phone.(Whatsapp/YouTube) If we didn't set limits, he would honestly not stop all day. He just never steps away and feels he's had enough and wants to do something away from tech, unless we oblige (force) him. It's been a source of family conflict since he was little. He only got his phone at 12 and we started allowing gaming later than many of his friends. We seem to put more limits on his activities than his friends parents do..... but I honestly feel its a losing battle. This is his interest, his hobby and his social life. He's very intelligent, talented at all things tech and gets good grades with not much effort at school. Is it time to accept that he's a computer geek and just let him get on with it, stop nagging and limiting him? Or do I keep on fighting the fight in the fear that he's a screen addict? He has long school days so doesn't get that much time on school nights, but on weekends or holidays, it's all he does unless we drag him out of the house. Opinions/advice appreciated.

Anybody out there?

Our ds' are 12 and 14. We have no screen time in the week and only evenings on fri, sat, sun. ( from about 4-8 ish). In school holidays they can go on most nights but we say no during the day. They both do scouts/explorers and other activities but would be on it a lot more of they had their way. Ds1 thinks we are completely unreaspnable, but doesn't moan too much

Yes, me! I've a got a 12 (nearly 13 year old) like this. I realised a few years ago that trying to stop it was like stopping water flowing downhill.

My ds is conscientious with scholl and homework, plays two instruments and is happy to practice etc, but otherwise is completely screen fixated.

He's getting quite a following on YouTube (gaming type videos), and what he does is clever. He's probably going to enjoy some sort of techy career, so I'm not losing sleep over it.

We did not/do not limit screen time for our teens. We only had a no device while at table for meals or if we are doing a family activity (playing a game, watching a movie, going for walk, etc).

At some point they have to become self limiting and so stopped controlling screen time at age 13. Before they were teens, we had limits and no devices in bedroom type rules.

School... Not scholl

DonaldTrumpsChopper Sounds a lot like mine. He´s already getting paid for doing some intro clips and logos for other video-makers! (a fiver here and there...not a billionaire yet!) so yes, he will definitely go that way as a career. He often argues: " But this is what I´m going to do for a living one day, why are you stopping me?" My DH is going to take some convincing to calm down about it, but I´m also thinking we have to relax a bit.
missmap : Your situation is how I would WANT to be in an ideal world, and my younger DH11 is a different story with much more sporty interests. I guess I´m just needing to process this idea of giving in and accepting. There are no screens at table or in bedrooms, and hopefully never will be!
Thanks for the feedback

oops DS11.....I don´t have a wee underage additional husband , haha

PlanDeRaccordement I agree....BUT.....What do you do if they do not set their own limits and just go on for 10 hours straight? Any tips?

So he’s not just gaming, he’s designing and editing is he? I’d take a different tack tbh and encourage the creative/techy side. Can you get him booked on some courses for stuff like video editing? Does he code any of his own games?

Is he social alongside all the tech stuff?

I’m amazed you’re wanting to limit screen time when he’s being productive and creative on it. Stop listening to Mumsnet. Screens aren’t the devil. Leave him be

I think mine is on about 22 hours a day, all in.

Sounds like our 12 yr old. He's upstairs livestreaming at the moment so we're not allowed in the study! We can watch what he's livestreaming on the TV downstairs though. He's doing well at school and is learning an instrument. Deal is that if he drops off at school or complains about music practice we will limit screen time

We don’t set limits now either (dd is 15, ds is 13). They also have screens in their rooms as we have a small house and the lounge needs to be used by my husband often for work. However ds’s room is opposite the lounge and we can hear what he’s doing! And they don’t have screens at the table or in company.

I think you need to relax. We all use screens all the time - the modem mobile phone is the combined equivalent of books, radio, CD players, phone, computer and TV and how much time did some of us (ie those not into physical activities) spend on those in our teens?! I remember days reading/listening to music/watching TV/speaking to my friends on the phone/playing asteroids on the PC as a teen. Between them that’s what my kids generally use their xboxes and phones for.

Yes,there are new dangers that come with the internet so we need to be alert. However those aren’t really reduced by less screen time. If your ds is using his screens actively and creatively that’s a bonus. I must admit I have a hierarchy of things which can be done on screens in order of ‘value’ ie creative is good, games are fine in my view as they’re active and challenging , socialising (Xbox or phone) is good. Watching stuff is variable depending on what it is! Mindless scrolling comes bottom! But if they’re doing a variety that’s fine - so do I!

Both our kids do other things -youth groups, football, singing etc - and go out socially. But what they do comes from their personalities - ds is active and loves physical stuff. If your ds is a natural geeky type you can’t expect him to be playing football and that’s fine! In the past he’d probably be playing Dungeons and Dragons or something. I think especially if he’s doing ok at school you shouldn’t worry! And bear in mind that if he’s restricted he’s likely to get more obsessive about it. Ds has months on end where he doesn’t touch the Xbox and then months where he plays for hours every day because he’s free to choose. As long as homework gets done etc...

Most 15 year olds I know are like this. I know 30 mums, just to chat to, from football, rugby and school mums. They all say their boys do nothing else, and have to be forced to do anything else.
Makes me very sad.

Mine have never had restrictions. DD is currently in her laptop but she is working her way through a coding program, for me that's only ever going to beneficial. She is 10.

16yo DS is autistic and spends a lot of time using screens. His general knowledge is years ahead of him, and he is now learning to read music and self teaching himself piano. Again, beneficial.

Mumsnet will tell you screens are the devil, but actually that's the future of our children and they will not be disadvantaged by learning. I think if you can point your child in the right direction they can get a lot out of the screen.

People will tell you 'in my day we climbed trees' but actually the reality is lots of kids didn't climb trees and they stayed home reading books etc.

By teenage, I think it has to be a balance between the child's interests/personality and an adult/parental knowledge about what is 'healthy enough'.

So yes if he's into gaming/YouTube fine, but teenagers need sleep, to eat regularly, to go outside and interact in person.

It sounds like week days are fairly well regulated by school and tbh in your situation, I would insist that he eats at the table, has at least a walk around the block each day and ensure devices are switched off by 11pm or whatever you deem suitable at the weekend, then let him get on with what he enjoys.

I think it's right to put limits on certain situations eg family visiting for the afternoon, you need to spend a little time with us.

Also that he has some sort of diaglogue with his parents about what he's doing online (though it sounds like this is already in place).

Otherwise, enjoy the peace and quiet!

agree....BUT.....What do you do if they do not set their own limits and just go on for 10 hours straight? Any tips?

Nothing. I took a laissez faire approach and let them learn the hard way. They’ve gorged on screens before and it’s like not having restrictions on sweets bought with pocket money. You always feel sick/tired and stupid afterwards. They all over did it a few times and then kicked themselves over falling behind on school work, missing out on a meet up with friends because they were up until 3am and slept till noon. The novelty wears off really quickly. Now they only do marathon sessions say Christmas Day with a new video game or if they are sick in bed and need something to keep their minds occupied.

We do have basic ground rules, but these are general manners really. No screens at the table, for anyone. We all eat together every night.

Homework and music done first.

Off all screens at 9pm, everything charges up downstairs.

I still see his emails, so his YouTube comments, and he hadn't asked me to stop yet, so I keep an eye.

He's never been sporty (unlike his brother) but he spends a fair bit of time at music school, so he does socialise.

DH worries, but even he agrees that what ds does is impressive. It's all creative stuff, and editing.

Thanks all for your perspectives....you are helping me come around to "shifting my paradigm" a bit. He´s not terribly sociable except with his tight group of geeky friends and most of his socialising outside school is done online. He´s mostly playing online with the kids he knows....they don´t meet up or go over to each other´s houses since they are "together" virtually all the time anyway! Yesterday they DID go out to a movie together so I think they will find a balance....girls are still far off on the horizon but I suspect focus might eventually shift a little when all that stuff starts! It´s rather ironic that my DH spends most of HIS down time on screens, so it is probably rather unfair to be insisting on limiting time for the kids whilst he sits with his laptop on his lap all day!
I´m going to relax and step back a bit but try and encourage him to take breaks and find balance. So difficult though, knowing what will happen longterm with all the "screen addiction" scaremongering out there and videos of kids in rehab!

@tinierclanger We sent him to a editing/media course in the summer and he said he already knew it all- he finds masses of tutorials on Youtube and self-teaches! Makes you wonder if university will be redundant in future if one can just learn it all from YouTube!!

I don’t limit mine. Ds1 is 13 and has some issues. I have plenty of other battles to fight! Ds2 is 10 and goes to gym 20 hours a week so I don’t enforce a limit in his limited leisure time.

I am going through hell and back with my 15 year old son and his computer. He needs his computer for school for his lessons and he’s always had a bit of an addiction to games. I have to turn the WiFi off at night otherwise he would play his Xbox or go on his laptop at night and then he’s hopeless for school the next day due to tiredness. He plays games on his laptop instead of revising for his GCSE’s in 3-4 months time. He sits on a specific chair so no one can see what he’s doing. I ask him to sit on another chair and he loses his temper. If I ask him what he’s doing and walk towards him his finger suddenly flicks to a different screen where he pretends to do work. He’s been like this all of his life where I used to catch him watching YouTube videos of grand theft auto and he started re-enacting these scenes with his friends and at school!

Frustratingly he is a bright lad but he’s getting lousy grades. Grade E mock gcse results! His teachers at school all say he’s capable of so much more and we have a separate maths teacher for out of school to help him. He said just last night that he’s coasting and he knows he has the potential to get gcse grade b. His headmaster last night called my husband and said that he’s been found ghosting on his laptop and playing computer games at school rather than working. Ghosting is like a separate web browser that allows kids to play games and the computer pretends to everyone around if they should be looking that he looks as though he’s doing the work.

It’s causing us as a family so many problems and believe me we’ve kept the time limits during the week in place and he does sport after school. We’re doing everything we can. We’ve taken different approaches where we’ve left him to it and let him spiral out of control, we’ve banned the usage of computers during the week after school. We’re just at our wits end now! Some parents would say just leave him to it and let him fail his GCSE’s but as a parent it’s that internal screaming of I can’t allow him to repeat the same mistakes I made when I was his age. I fell into a bad crowd due to low self confidence and was drinking heavily and doing drugs by the time I was a very unhappy, lost 17 year old teenage girl. I’m probably going to be blasted by other parents for writing this but if I could trust him I wouldn’t be like this. So to try to keep this in context, my 14 year old daughter is just the complete opposite and wants to do well, gets good grades and I never have to keep tabs on her computer or see what she’s up to. Her grades are really good and I’m not remotely even concerned with her.

The issues I’m having with my son takes my attention away from my daughter which is genuinely not fair on her and I know how much it hurts her. This morning, I told my husband I can’t do this anymore and said while I’ll continue to support my son, I need to step back. It wouldn’t be an issue if we were in the Uk but we live abroad and if he can’t stay in school then we are unable to sponsor him to keep him with us. My husband does not have family and mine live abroad so options wise we are really struggling.

The only problem i have with my DC is that they play shitty games or watch youtube nonsense while on screens. I wouldn't mind if these were like "proper" games, or any actual tech stuff, but hours upon hours of Candy Crush type games? Off goes the wifi