I can't live with my DS any more

[MuminMama]

He is 11 and has ASD/Asperger's. He won't do anything he doesn't want to do and has violent outbursts if he is opposed. He flat out hates my DH and tells him so; the main interactions they have are hitting (by the son) and shouting (by both). I am not sure DH is so fond of him, either, and these days he is beyond miserable.

DS wets the bed every other day, even through absorbent pants. He literally drops everything on the floor when he's done with it, from soaked pants to pear cores to any toy or piece of paper.

He tries to break my stuff on purpose and hits his sister. He whirls around and often hurts me; once he kicked a door in my face and I had a massive black eye for weeks. I am physically nervous around him.

He does one club a week and otherwise hangs around the house.

We have been to CAHMS and had some frankly pointless family therapy. I am not interested in anything I can do for him any more as he is, it seems to me, a sociopath and nothing makes any impression on him. I have tried and tried and tried and am sick of having it all thrown back in my face.

I wish I could run away but I have a DD (13) with whom I have a happy and heathy relationship and she needs me. I can't help feeling that someone must be able to help if only they understood how bad it was.

Whoops, I posted this in the wrong place and don't know how to move it.

This is so sad.
Have you contacted SS and asked for help?
At 11 there’s still hope

My Ds is nearly 13 and he had similar traits up until about a year ago.

His night time bed wetting suddenly stopped and his behaviour has generally improved so there is hope.
I have been on the receiving end of some pretty awful behaviour, hit, kicked, tantrums - once he threw the whole contents of his bedroom down the stairs. He has learned better self-regulation still has his moments but always will with an ASD dx.
Getting an EHCp helped a lot so he is more settled in school

What support does he get, is he at primary or 2ndry?

Thank you both. SS have never been involved and it makes me nervous but might be the right way to go. It's very encouraging to hear about your DS, Vickibee. Thank you for that. My DS threw everything out of his room and down the stairs, too! I have only just done the EHCP form but hope that will help too. I imagine that's the beginning of a long fight with Haringey, too, though. He is right at the end of primary right now and gets, well, nothing.

Could he have PDA?

In which case asking/telling him to do something will be counterproductive.

From a Chat I'm on elsewhere:
Ellie said she was lying in bed the other day wanting to get up, but said that as soon as she thought "get up" she felt compelled to stay in bed, even though she wanted to get up. She said it was very frustrating.

I think you need to get a support network. Try to find other parents going through similar issues in your area - a massive help is finding local provision and filling in forms. The only help SS offered me was some respite care and links to support for me (my local service is massively overwhelmed - but probably see patching up parents so they can carry on as a great use of resources), so they might be helpful.

And try to find some positives - even if they are tiny with his behaviour, everyday.

You have to fight for everything, it shouldn't be like this but it is unfortunately.
Get help from SENDIASS, they will help you fill out the EHCP application, has he seen an Ed Pysch because their report carries a lot of influence with the EHCP outcome? ask for a referral if not.
Also have you applied for DLA? the cash comes in useful to provide respite care? we get LRM and HRC and have just got a blue badge also.
Y6 is a very important year, he will struggle with the transisition to 2nry if it is not handled carefully. he needs extra support

Yes, wondered about PDA, ODD also; I'm always Googling, but in the end am still left with the same boy, with the same behaviour. He will definitely struggle with the massive comprehensive school he will be going to next year, unless he has some extra help. I just need to find some extra reserves of energy and motivation to get it for him.

My ds exhibits pds traits he does not like being told what to do.
I find it helps giving a choice so would u like fish finger or lasagne for dinner. It helps him feel in control. Obviously there are some things like homework which are compulsory and this is an area we need to work on and is a big cause of confluct.
He refused to attend short breaks so we have been allocated a direct pmt to cover the cost of a personal assistant to help him attend scouts.
Have u asked about short breaks