How much do you ‘make’ a teenager do

[Rocsand03]

Dad just turned 14 which I’ve a feeling is going to be a challenge. At the moment he thinks he’s in charge of everything he does and when told by us he says why? We say he needs to follow OUR rules not the other way around.. why? It’s driving me insane. Trying to get him to even do any chores around the house is a nightmare and if I’m honest his dad does little around the house and so I blame him.. anyway that’s another story.
At the moment is insisting he’s giving up piano lessons which was what he wanted in the first place. He’s given up any club or activity I’ve ever got him into. Hen just wants to see his friends and there that. I’m happy he has a load of friends to meet up with but I need him to realise he doesn’t just go out as and when he decides to. He works for it.. ie homework which he says night after night he doesn’t have then I find out through his texts that he had tests! Also helping in the house or cleaning his manky room. I clean it but I tell him to pick everything up, take rubbish and dishes out the room which I always say aren’t going in there... does he listen? Nope. Dad doesn’t so why should he?

Ds turned 14 not dad. Sorry about the duff typing

I would probably let him give up the piano lessons.

I've ended up with a lazy DD so probably not the best person to advise but at a minimum cleaning own room, sorting out own laundry, occasionally cooking so they have the skills when they are older and generally cleaning up after themselves.

I think the problem is that it is easier not to have to nag all the time so I don't always enforce these things because it stresses me out. I'm thinking of the load of laundry of hers sat in the dryer right now. Do I deal with attitude to get her to sort it out or do I just do it myself so I can put my own laundry in?

if your dh doesn't do anything and your ds has seen that his entire life, I'm not surprised he is copying the male role model he has in the house.

Is there a genuine reason your dh doesn't contribute?

I would be tempted to down tools on both of them. No supermarket shopping, no laundry, no cleaning, no cooking, no lifts, no reminding about or organisation school/activities until the whole thing is sorted out and everyone starts and continues contributing fairly.

I just nagged.

A lot to start with, dying down as years went on...

I also had high expectations - "we" keep the house clean, "we" do laundry, "we" cook, shop, meal-plan.

We got there in the end... 12... hmmmmmmm.... 14 maybe a bit, 16 a lot, 18 running their own household... success.

It would really help if your dh could get on board with this too. If both of you are setting the rules and expectations then it might work better.
I have a 14 yr old ds too and have to lay down rules for him.
I would let him give up piano but not before a conversation about why he wants to give it up and how he’s given up on every club and seems to have given up on homework too.
What’s going on and where is this taking him in life? Get him to answer.

I’d then use giving up piano lessons to negotiate some important things such as hw getting done and assessments being studied for.

I check in with ds about hw and assessments because I have to sign his planner.
My ds has to do at least an hour of hw every night. He’s chosen his own time slot and he gets either hw done or something else like spanish practice, watching YouTube video or bbcbitesize on any of his topics/subjects if he doesn’t have anything to hand in.
I also expect some chores do be done every day. This is usually just keeping his room tidy, dirty clothes in laundry bin and help with dinner or clearing the table.
Use phone or internet access as a bargaining tool.

I’ve nagged and nagged and nagged... Basically I’m the baddie. I’ve also nagged his dad so much into agreeing times, rules, consequences, study/homework etc. ... nothing! It’s literally like I live in my own and talk to myself. I haven’t a clue how else to get him to step up to the parenting responsibility.
Thanks for the thoughts about bargaining with the lessons and things. I’ve always tried things like this but having no back up really doesn’t help my case

I have 3 teens 17, 15 and 13 and they are hugely different in how they respond to stuff.
I think hobbies eg piano have to be a choice, so i would let him give that up once the current paid ones have finished.

friends - well in our house it is friday and weekend only, weekdays are homework. (except I will now contradict myself, as dd1 does band, scouts and a club during the week, but keeps on top of everything)

I have never checked their homework, but then they have always done it. As soon as I found out dd was getting behind, I checked for a while, which basically meant I took her phone until she had done it! Then we made sure there was space for it to get done.

Chores - nag, nag and nag again. But they ave alhways had to do some, so I would say no TV on a Saturday til their room was tidy etc. Now it is do it or hand your ohone in.
But I don't make them do much. They are responsible for their own room, including changing sheets, for ds I had to say - no pizza on saturday evenign if you haven't done your sheets, which led to much huffing and grumpiness, but got there in the end.
They do clear the table and pack the dishwasher, and empty the clean dishwasher between them.

But the biggest message is really pick your battles, decide which things are your boundary lines and be prepared to stick to them, and let other things go. Eg dirty dishes muct come downstairs, but if they choose to live in an untidy room, well, so be it.

i don’t know op. It’s worth trying something else because you can still have some control and input when they’re 14. 16, not so much.
I’ve told my dcs that I love them too much to let them fail their exams. I’ve asked them who do they think benefits from their gcse results because it’s not me.
I’ve asked them how they’d feel when all their friends are swanning off to do A levels and they have to go and resit their maths and English at a local college.
I’ve asked them if they actually think it’s fair that I do all the cooking, cleaning, picking up their pants and so on and how they can help out.
I’ve even lost the plot and gone ballistic. That’s shaken them a bit!

I found that when they need to think about it, come up with their own solutions and plans and feel like they have some control, they often respond better.

There’s only so much you can do though op. Don’t give up just yet.

Your DH is the main problem here!

Don’t get me started! 🙄

I feel so frustrated because he literally gives up everything he goes to. I want him to have opportunities, skills. Dad always says it’s his choice, his life, we can’t make him..... surely at some point we have to in order for him to actually appreciate he’s developing?

You have a lot more leverage at 14 than you do at 16, and more at 16 than at 18.

At 14 they are dependent on you for housing, lifts, internet access, money.
At some point it shifts, especially if their boy/girlfriend's parents might be willing to have them stay if they walk out on you (which is where we have been with my eldest since she was 17).

But piano at 14 is not a hill to die on.

Wow. Do you live with his dad? If he sees him contributing nothing to the house then I understand why he thinks he gets away with nothing too!

My dd is 11, she washes the dishes a few times a
Week with her younger brother drying, she helps with washings, for instance I can say go stick the colours basket in the machine please and she can, she also cleans one of the bathrooms every week or two, she cooks one meal a week too! That’s in addition to home education, swimming half a dozen sessions a week, guides, and a couple of hours a week at the stables!

Your family is lazy. Time you stop doing everything for them.

He does have a good job and pays the bills. At home nope

my ds has never been one for after school activities, he tried lots and gave them up. He just doesn't like them, too organised.
dd by contrast does loads, and dd2 does one thing.

Let him lose piano, he has tried it, doesn't do it for him. Don't stress about it, he will find things he enjoys as some point.

I’ve got 2 teens who are reasonably compliant but still I was sick of constantly having to ask for basic things to be done, and then watch them done very slowly and reluctantly . We’ve had some success linking chores to their pocket money . We have a list of chores which count as 1, 2 or 3 points each depending on how much I don’t like doing them. The deal is they have to do 3 points a day to earn that day’s pocket money. Most chores are 1 point eg sorting out school bag and emptying packet lunch box after school, a full clean out of the chickens run is a 3. (Homework doesn’t count as that’s a given, and they would lose screen time if they weren’t doing that) . They put their own points up on the calendar and can pay it forward if they do more than 3. In practice, they still have to do any chores asked , regardless of points for that day but it has reduced my nagging hugely and increased their incentive enough that they don’t complain when asked to empty the dishwasher etc. Part of the reason it worked was that I was so inconsistent with pocket money before and they are enjoying knowing exactly what they have. We had a family sit down before this set up , chat about how it isn’t my job to do it all etc and planned the list of chores together. It was helpful that DH ( who is away more than he is home and does far less day to day stuff) was fully on board. I think there is something to be said for the carrot as well as the stick and they also know I will happily remove all screen time and privileges if they are being horrid. I agree that 14 is a much more reachable age for parental control than 16 and it would be a good time to make a plan. I do feel for you - housework is endless and thankless

I think that when they are little, yes you can make them do things and take in opportunities.
At 14yo not so much. It’s an age when the need to start to WANT to do things rather than them being imposed on them.

Re your DH, I wouod agree it’s doesn’t help. But don’t make him responsible and the give up.
If one of mine had asked Why? My answer was, every single time, because we are a team in this house and we all have responsibilities. I cook dinner for everyone, you tidy the table for everyone. That’s what families do.
I think it’s good they are reminded of what is being done for them (eg washing, cooking etc...) and that they shouod be grateful for it. I do make a point of saying thank you to them when they’ve today up the table too so it’s not one side iyswim

Oh I always that j him for every single thing he does, no matter what it is. The fact I’m the one and only person doing anything around the house has made me give up on doing it. I always have but now I just feel completely disrespected and can’t actually be bothered with it any more.
Cathpot- what do you give in exchange for points?

My two are both lazy and can’t help with that one but if they want to drop an activity at 14 it’s up to them it’s not a battle I would fight.

The points are to ‘earn’ pocket money. They get a pound a day if they’ve done their 3 points.
It sounds like you need a big chat with your DH, the current situation isn’t fair on you at all.

After school activities are not worth falling out over. All the rest though...,My aim is that they should be ready to move out at 18-so fully competent at that point including tax returns, cooking, shopping, bills and generally running their own lives. I believe in giving them real responsibility for doing stuff.

My 14 yo is ready frankly. 15yo doesn't cook and is shit at maths but ace at the rest including flat pack furniture. She'd make a good general but a shit soldier.

Youngest 2 are a work in progress, but I only have them 50/50.

There is an amazing book called the entitlement trap. If you can get your waste of space husband to read the relevant bits it'd be interesting. Some of it is a bit schmaltzy American but the idea is a revelation.

My DS is just like this; he gives up everything and does no school work. Also v little help around the home. For some reason he seems to think it is woman’s work; obviously I have not brought him up like this!! He has ADHD, am hoping he will become calmer, but it’s a long road