My 13 year old son smokes weed

[stressofteenagers]

Today I found out my 13 year old son has been smoking weed.

I am so upset, I have spoken to my daughter (21) she says that they all do it - but surely not? He's 13!!

I have decided to monitor him more closely, I'm going to stop pocket money, I'm going to monitor his social media more closely, and have tighter curfew, he's grounded for a week for now and I've got his phone.

I need some help and advice. I want him to stop it! But there has to be an element of trust doesn't there!! I can't control him. How do I manage this? Every time he goes out I'm gonna be thinking he's doing it!!! I don't want him to be stoned at 13!! (Or any other age tbh!!)

I feel like I really don't know what to do!!

Are you the only parent OP? Are you going to have any support?

13 is very young, I dint think your daughter is right saying that everyone is smoking it at 13. I’d be very worried.
How does he pay for it?
I’d stop giving him pocket money to start with

Keep his phone and definitely stop pocket money for some time. He goes to school, he comes home. He doesn't get to hang around the street with friends. If he has after school activities drop and collect him. 13 is far too young for this crap.

First thing is cut off all money.

Secondly talk to him about dangers of smoking weed as an adolescent (it’s more dangerous than if an adult does)

Thirdly some 13 year olds do. But not all. And even if they all do, that’s no excuse for him to do it.

Fourthly tell him it can impact on his career later if he gets caught now. For example I don’t think you can be a police officer. You can certainly never travel to the US if you have a drugs record.

My DD thinks she’s the only student at college (so 16-18 year olds) who doesn’t smoke. But it still doesn’t make her want to smoke. She knows it’s vile and dangerous.

What conversations have you had with him so far? My main concern would be the impact on his developing brain, and that he could emotionally just get stuck at 13 - ask him if he wants to be able to act like an adult when he's legally able to? I doubt he knows the damage he could be causing himself and the impact on his future - career, relationships, any ambitions that he has could be killed off by the lethargy that comes with weed. Arm yourself with knowledge OP, and good luck

Everyone smokes weed at 13 is just a way to make it sound normal.

Most children don't smoke week ever. Some will.

How is he affording to buy the weed and where from? There is no trust until he shows he is trustable. The onus is in him.

Being stoned leaves him open to make silly decisions that can affect his safety. Weed in young males is also more likely to be linked to long term mental health issues. The weed smoked now is usually much much stronger than that smoked by parents and grandparents.

I would be very concerned if it was my child.

Ah Op I feel your pain my (15yo) DS decided to experiment last week and was caught red handed - didn't help he was a total newbie and smoked too quickly meaning he vomited everywhere.
My DS is a little older than yours but I was still so shocked/disappointed.
I've removed
Phone
Laptop
iPad
PS4
Tv
Debit card.
He's grounded for the foreseeable future.
I'm still fuming and he seems suitably abashed but he knows he won't be getting his iPhone back til March. In the meantime I bought him a £10 PAYG basher phone for when he's travelling to school etc.

I've spoken to him About the dangers of smoking - and smoking drugs. Not knowing what you are being given...etc.

I have spoken to him about the criminal aspect, I told him I catch him again he's going to the police station. (That did seem to put the fear of god in him)

He is getting it from a mate I think (whose dad smokes it) I have spoken to him about who he is hanging around with.

I am married but he opens up to me, and confesses, but his dad is quite stern with his words and this just ends in ww3, I didn't go mad, I spoke to him calmly, and didn't shout. I told him how disappointed I was in him, and how he has let us down and himself down.

I have stopped money - just to be safe, and grounded him, and told him he's on lockdown so I'll be picking him up from school and dropping him off. But I know this can't be forever - so just wondering if anyone has any advice how to a
Get thru to him.

It's so hard!! I didn't think I'd be having this chat with him for quite a few years tbh!! He's only 13 he's my baby!!!!

I've been googling and there is a drug group for teens in my area, do you think I should take him or wait to see if it stops? He might never do it again, he admitted to trying it a few times, sharing a spliff with a mate!! Honestly I'm Devastated. I don't even smoke!!

Most will try it op if they are able to within their social circle but for all the reasons you are aware of it's a risk.

Please try and be open and honest with him about the dangers and what this can lead on to. Sounds like you have already put some further boundaries in place which will help with this.

If you're happy to please talk to school safeguarding or pastoral. They will be able to make a referral for support around cannabis and risks attached. They will have external agencies who are trained to work with teenagers to minimise risk. They will work with you too to if you wish. They won't think badly of you and can be such a support.

I would be as upset as you are. As the above mums have said I would remove his income for a while. It's not ok for a 13 year old to be smoking, never mind weed. Is it worth anonymously speaking to the school so that maybe they can have a word in assembly as it won't just be your son doing it. Let him know the dangers, ask him if he's depressed, ask him how long he's been doing it, does he do it alone or with friends?
Smell his clothes when he comes home, have a look at his school work, has he fallen behind? Take a look at talk to Frank, they may have some good advice-I'm not sure where I would start, I'm so sorry OP.
www.talktofrank.com/get-help/worried-about-a-child

Do you know his friends parents?
I’d be going around there and telling them what’s been going on and that you don’t appreciate their son ‘dealing’ to others.
I’d be making a phone call to crime stoppers to report the pair of them

My son started smoking weed at 13, it’s everywhere, certainly a lot of young teens do seem to be experimenting.

Try not to panic, the main thing to do is educate yourself, talk to your son calmly and keep communication lines open. Chances are he’s experimenting like a lot of teens do. It is statistically unlikely to lead to a habit or more serious drugs.

I stopped my son’s money but it made no difference as you only need a pound or two here and there as they all club together to buy a ‘10 bag’. His mates just said, when you do get money (eventually) you can maybe repay the favour, so although stopping money seems like a sensible plan, don’t be surprised if it doesn’t work.

A year later, he is now 14, and still smokes it unfortunately- I realise I can’t stop it - only he can. Instead I talk openly about it, remind him of my concerns such as it leading to mental health problems, have boundaries such as he is not allowed to smoke in or anywhere near the house, have any smoking paraphernalia in the house such as grinders, tobacco or papers.

Trouble is he just doesn’t see it as a big deal - he keeps telling me it’s better than drinking alcohol (which he’s not interested in doing), he says he buys it from a house where it is grown so has no chemicals on and is not mixed with anything, and he keeps banging on about how it’ll soon be legalised in the UK anyway.

On the upside when we talk about other drugs he does say ‘no way’ - he’s not interested in anything else ‘pills are dirty’ whatever that means.

Hang in there, it’s probably a phase he will grow out of when he’s ready, most do.

I really wouldn’t recommend involving the police unless he is being violent or abusive. I would maybe email or call the non emergency number anonymously if you’d like advice but to be honest the police are really not going to do a great deal with some 13 year olds smoking a bit of weed. It may be really damaging to your relationship with your son, but of course only you really know your son and whether that’s a risk worth taking.

Suziebluesby

Sounds like you live in a world similar to mine. I had no intention of taking him to the police, it was just a threat to put the fear of god in him.

I hope it doesn't come to anything. I hate the thought of him doing it but there has to be an element of trust doesn't there - I can't be with him 24/7 for the rest of his life following him lol. So I get what you're saying it has to be up to them to to stop it.

I hope I got through to him, but I prob didn't. My daughter said that it's actually more rare to not smoke it now a days, and common to smoke it... but not in my head!!! In my day it was wrong and bad!! I wouldn't have dreamed of smoking weed, but I did sit on a park drinking mad dog 20/20 at 14 with my mate... lol. I also tried cigarettes at 13 too. But didn't carry on with it. I'm horrified my son is smoking drugs!!

I am aware a lot of teens smoke it and keep it from their parents, it's just my son isn't that clever at hiding it. He was also caught red handed. I intend to maintain my relationship with him where he's open with me as I think that's important. I don't want him lying to me. I'd rather know what he's doing than him lie and sneak.

Thanks for your reply.

I def wouldn’t take him to the drug group.

Would just introduce him to people you’d rather he didn’t hang out with....

I wouldn't punish in that scenario. I'd find out why. Is it peer pressure? (If so, the solution is to effectively deal with the bullying.) Does he feel he 'belongs' when he's with other people who smoke. (If so, he needs strategies to help him feel he belongs wherever he goes, just being himself and also needs help finding a healthy place where he can belonbg - a sport, drama or music group where the focus is on creation/participation not zoning out.) Does it make him feel mellow? If so he needs to learn ways to relax and destress without the aid of illegal unregulated drugs. Does he just think there's no point to life - climate change/ crazy house prices etc. In which case he needs support finding purpose and meaning and being helped to believe he can contribute in a valuable way to society and make a positive difference.

13 is so young to be doing this and if he carries on, he's unlikely to keep clear-headed enough to do well in exams and make a good life for himself.

@stressofteenagers there was a poster on here last week whose ds had adverse effects from weed (he wasn't a regular user, just unlucky I guess). I copied her op and sent to my son as it was pretty scary and we had a talk about it. I'll pm you it, might help you show some of the dangers to your ds.

The op requested the thread was removed.

If you're happy to please talk to school safeguarding or pastoral.

The other boy getting it from his dad and distributing it is surely a safeguarding issue?

(And I don't think it would be a good idea for op to go and talk to the dad herself.)

Dont Worry j will be reporting the parents who seem to smoke it around my sons friend..

I agree about the drug group, nice to hear you do too... think it's maybe a bit extreme for his age and experience with drugs.

I'm going to see what happens next now...
see if anything gets better. I will be watching him like a hawk and sniffing everything he wears, also watching his moods - as past few weeks he's been soooo moody!!!!

I'll take it from there. Fingers crossed

OP, it sounds to me like your older DD is making light of it by saying “they all do it”. And it could sound to your DS like she’s endorsing it, which isn’t helpful!