Helping teenager build a network when starting from scratch

[Nicpem1982]

Due to family circumstances Dn (13) has come to live with us. Ss are viewing this as longterm connected carer arrangement as unable to go back to either parent due to neglect.

We live in a different Borough to where she was previously, school is being maintained for now however Dn has no friends here and its not realistic to assume previous friendships will be maintained due to the distance.

She's never been allowed to develop any interests really so there's nothing we can pick up here iyswim.

There's a local youth club with a range of activities that I've suggested and although she's not keen she's agreed. Has anyone got any advice on how we can help her?

She’ll make friends at school, I moved town for DD’s secondary and she didn’t know a soul. We also moved from the middle of nowhere to a town centre, she has made friends with neighbourhood kids and they hang out together, even if they are not at the same school.
Would she like a skateboard? She’ll meet people at the park.
Would she like to try swimming with a club? Gym?

You mention neglect, maybe for a while just let her learn to feel secure and loved. I would do most things for her for a while, like changing her bed, making her breakfast, giving her pocket money etc.

Just thought of this, take her to a park run? Even if she doesn’t run, she can volunteer and take it from there?

It would be best to move schools in the long run. I think all you can do is encourage and support. Don't interfere too much - she has to sort through it herself.
But If she is able to continue at the same school surely she can continue her friendships? If she can get there every day why can't she then travel to see her friends and them her on weekends?

We can't move schools at the moment she's being provided with a taxi due to distance and circumstances and she wouldn't be able to pop there and back to see friends iyswim and unfortunately we can't facilitate that due to being at work and the friends are local to mom and dad which presents a problem with safety etc.

I'm doing most things for her at the moment as suggested above but I know she feels lonely and want to help.

What about Scouts or Cadets/St Johns ambulance? That would mean at least one night a week with young people in her peer group and chance to try some new things. The same for sports if there are any good clubs (athletics/football/rugby/karate/theatre) nearish to you. If you do eventually move her to a school near you, assuming you are able, then this would start to form a good friend basis.

Also have a look at I Will for youth volunteer opportunities doing all sorts of different things which she might have an interest in

I agree that moving schools asap would be the best thing. Then joining lunch time clubs/ afterschool clubs will help.

Moving schools is the plan eventually as a clean break would be beneficial to her, ss are working with us on this.

I'll look into the other things suggested

I’m doing this in July with DD(13). In Italy they start High School at 14 so we’ve waited for her to finish Junior High. Going from a small town you can manage safely on foot/bicycle to the hilly, hectic regional capital.

We’ve thoroughly checked out her new school to see if it has good pastoral care and parent communication (yes), clubs (chosen two) and prospective classmates (80% girls on track for University). Very encouraging and DD is looking forward to it.

Socially I expect her to retreat into the safety of the family, so I’m reducing my workload for the first year while I make contacts too... and we’re getting a dog. That’s one way to make friends, there’s a high mini-dog population and a dog-friendly park nearby.

The city has quite high crime and drugs are freely available if you know where to go, so I’ll be very wary of letting her out alone.

I suppose you need to work things round your DSD and what you know of her. 13 is a bit of a springboard into the future for better or for worse (12 is the problem year IME, so at least you should be over that!). It needs delicate handling and open communication.

Guides I found good as a way in locally. You could also volunteer to help out every now and again. Is there a local musical theatre group? They often run on a Saturday

I wonder if there would be benefit in taking some time to let her get comfortable and start to think about her interests.

She's coming from a point of neglect from both parents, lost her home, moved to a new location with new dynamics.

Does she feel she wants more local friends or is that what you believe she needs?

Counselling if accessible would probably benefit her at this point, then encourage her to work through what her interests, skills etc are and that will help to find groups and clubs that she'll enjoy.

Sorry, DN, not DSD,

We’re not religious but we have a great Church youth club nearby with sports facilities and adults supervising every afternoon. DD uses it as a place to meet up with friends and she’s always been welcome. Going to miss it!

Is there something similar near you?

Counselling is being dealt with via ss

Tory you make a valid point I'll keep this in mind.

Me and Dn do talk alot and we encourage her to be open with us

Definitely Guides. You say she hasn't developed any interests, maybe start now? Never too late. Is budget an issue?
My 13 yo DD does netball, bands, music lessons for example, plus Guides.

I agree. There will be something that she will be interested. It,doesn't have to be the mainstream stuff, it could be sewing or a climbing wall.

Is there anything at the high school where she might go in the future?

Just to add that MN has a Fostering Section. I know that this may be slightly different than your situation but the lovely MNers in there might be able to give you some tips about getting her to settle and make friends locally

Local drama group. They can be fantastic. I don’t mean Stagecoach, but more children being creative. Completely different set of people usually as not all from one school

is she shy? Can she start conversations with new people?

sometimes it is worth exploring a strategy to start conversation

So you give a compliment
"I like your bracelet!"

then ask a question
"have you had it a long time?"

end with a friendly word
"yes its lovely"
my name is xxx btw

next encounter same
and then on fridays

"What are you doing this weekend?"

on Mondays "What did you do at the weekend?"

then if an activity is mentioned

"I would love to do that!"

and see if it leads to anything....

It sounds a bit wooden but it might be helpful.

Thank you all!

Invite friends from old school to your house for a sleepover on a Friday night.

Is she the only child in your household?

No I have a 5yr old dd

Ask her what shes interested in/wants to try. If shes sporty look for local clubs etc. Give her time to settle 1st though.

Get in touch with the Virtual School of the LA who look after her. They can look into what is available in your area and pull strings to get places where possible.
Agree with TorysSuck, time to adjust to stable, nurturing family life is invaluable. Wishing you all the best