Struggling with boundaries for 18YO

[Nadge]

Hi all, I am newly registered here but have often mooched on the threads for advice over the years.

I would really appreciate any thoughts on my situation.

I recently separated (18 months ago) from my husband of 20 years and we have 3 children (18, 15 and 9). I had to find a way to downsize but really wanted to ensure that I moved myself and the kids to a decent area. The only way I was able to do this was to move to a 3 bed house. I wanted the kids to suffer as little as possible so I chose to let them all have their own rooms and I sleep on a sofa bed downstairs. This was my decision and one I have to own but I am struggling for a number of reasons.

Firstly my 18 year old son stays at his girlfriend's house most of the week. I would estimate he is home maybe 2 nights per week. He works full time on minimum wage but does not currently pay board as he is here so little. However...when he is here his girlfriend often stays too and they leave the bedroom in a mess...dishes... clothes... unmade bed etc.

I do not do anything for my son... He (occasionally!) washes his own clothes, pays for his car and clothes etc. He eats with us when he is here but usually feeds himself.

My issue is that I chose this arrangement but often feel resentful of it. I have voiced my feelings many times and my son always agrees to be tidier etc. When I do voice how I feel I often feel guilty as I do feel he needs a space here that he can call his own.

I have voiced that it would make more sense for him to have the sofa bed but I feel that he would lose his privacy etc and wouldn't feel comfortable here. He has also expressed that this makes him feel pushed out.

I have tried to describe the situation as neutrally as possible as I am not looking for sympathy just objective opinion. Its a constant battle in my head!

Thanks for any advice or opinion 😊

2 nights a week and he's got his own room whilst you are there every night and sleep on a sofa!!!? Nope, I'd be taking over that bedroom ASAP. He gets enough privacy at his gfs house to not be able to deal with not having it for 2 nights.

The best way to ruin your kids after divorce is to indulge them beyond your means.

What on Earth are you doing yourself sleeping in the sofa bed? Do you know you are the most important person in the household? You are the one that keeps it going, so time to get some bunkbed and your own room, you need to be in good shape and rested to be able to care for your kids.

If he has a room and he's working full time, not in education, he should pay board. It's not relevant how often he's there - if you only lived in the house two days per week your landlord wouldn't waive or reduce your rent!

Does your son also have a room at his father's house?

If he has a room at his dad's I think take the room back but be sure he has a bed (in sibling's room or sofa bed) and his own set undisturbed cupboard in which to store his things at yours.

If he doesn't have a room at his dad's I actually think you're right to give him his own room for the next couple of years because at 18 his girlfriend's parents house is not his home. However he must pay board - if he has a room and isn't in education he pays either just below market rent or a % of salary. This will also clarify his priorities about whether or not he has in fact moved out/ wishes to officially move out. When he stops paying board he officially moves out and you reclaim the room, though he's always welcome to visit and stay on the sofa.

I'd sleep in a proper single bed in my 9 year old's room in your situation, but my 9 year old would adore that. I can see not all 9 year olds would!

Is there a compromise? Maybe two single beds in one room to share?

Tenants typically spend around 1/4 of their pre tax salary on rent, so look up average prices to rent a similar room in your area on spareroom.co.uk and charge him a little bit less than that, being mindful not to go over 25% of salary.

In a lot of parts of the UK he'd be quids in paying you £200 per month. Obviously for that his room is his.

This will focus his mind on deciding whether he lives with you or not.

If you can afford it you can save up the money he pays, or half, to give him as a deposit/ getting established money should he decide to rent a little flat with his girlfriend. Obviously don't tell him.