Struggle is real

[WeakLeftFin]

Sorry it’s going to be long. I have no one to talk to.
DD is 14. She’s starting to cause me severe anxiety and I’m just trying to hold my shit together.
She was caught sending videos/nudes a few months back. To an unknown person. Instant thought was Paedophile. So called the police. They done their part of taking her phone, found him through tracking him and he was arrested.
We confiscated the phone along with a ban on social media (she didn’t know this person who received pics. Had actually never seen his face!)
I thought I was doing well. Sporadically went through her phone. Was open about certain things. No red flags.
Was introduced to people online by school friends. Straight into FaceTime. I was so stupid to not see it but her behaviour never changed.
She makes me feel so shit because she doesn’t have her phone. She will go on and on about it. About how she’s now isolated (she never went out before. Has a few ‘bad egg’ friends. No ‘BFF’ kind. Never has done) And Christmas was shit because she doesn’t have her phone. Didn’t get a new one.
It’s draining my soul. She sometimes just stands and stares at me, just like her eyes burning through me. She will start an argument because she can. She is starting to make me feel awkward.
Was not appreciative of anything she got today but really made it known. We even had a door slam.
I’m laying here now just so lost and confused. She tells me openly that the only reason she is here is because she has to be. She said if I gave her a choice between home and her phone she’d chose the phone and wouldn’t look back.
There’s a part of me that wants to just say f*ck it. Have the phone. Have the sex. Just do it all. But then the other side of me is like no. You’re in my house. My rules. Stay in your room If you’re not happy! She doesn’t want girl mates. Just these boys who have seen her naked more time’s than I have.

I think she has really low self esteem. She says she doesn’t but I see it. I also think she is extremely lonely so hunts out boys because the girls don’t like her. She’s always been a bit odd and a bit immature compared to her peers. So I suggested her maybe starting running with me. Gets her out (she is grounded as planned to meet this Peadophile) so it gets her out 3/4 time a week. Going for swimming lessons and possibly theatre lessons. All of which she’s snubbed at. Just tells me if I let her out and give her the phone she will be happy then.

Is there anything I’m missing? Please? Would you have taken phone and grounded? I know this age is a struggle I do. I have more than her at home. But she’s pushing me. I have such severe anxiety I can’t stop shaking. I just want her to be happy and smile. But she’s more into causing arguments and just having sex. Sorry it’s long. It’s been a tiring day and I have no one I can go to to talk about it all.

God you must be terrified. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think she needs some professional help - would she go to the GP with you to ask for a referral to CAMHS? Or could you afford to pay for a counsellor privately, and would she engage? I don't think this is something you should be dealing with on your own.

Thank you for replying.
I referred myself to Children Services as the police had to call them for safe guarding concerns around her and these men. I figured I could use their help and they have started putting things in place. Councillors, RAFT, MASH &. Frankie. So many names!
She couldn’t be seen at CAMHS as they said she doesn’t show their usual suspect issues (depression/self harming) because she is quite a bubbly kid. Which is what is making me lose myself here. It’s like every sentence conflicts the next and the last. My Social worker is so good to me. She realises the struggle and doesn’t sympathise. But I feel so alone

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. Just wanted to say - you are doing the right things. You are protecting your DD. She is very cross with you because she can't have her own way. It's too bad. She doesn't understand the danger. When she was little, if she thought she could fly and was furious because you kept the windows locked so she couldn't jump out, you wouldn't open them for her, would you? No matter how angry and argumentative you'd keep them shut.

Bear in mind - she's a teenager, she isn't supposed to be happy, she's got growing-up pains. Try to ignore door slams, shouting, sulks and heading off to her room. Try not to react. Don't get dragged into arguments - some kids insist on getting the last word and will argue forever no matter what you say. So use the "Lasting Word" strategy instead - I used to use this with DS when he didn't like the rules! This goes: say what you want to say once: "you can't have your phone because it's not safe" (she goes ranty rant rant) you say it once again "you can't have your phone because its not safe" and then you go silent. Whatever she says, let her say it and don't react. Carry on doing what you do and not reacting until she stomps off or rants herself out. What you said will sink in gradually.

And don't give up altogether. Give her small choices. Invite her to sit with you, watch a video and eatcrisps. Bake cupcakes together, go for a walk or a run together. Things where you don't have to talk. Don't take offense if she stomps off or refuses. Next day, invite her to do something again. Your ideas to keep her occupied are all excellent but she is probably too anxious herself to accept them yet. Try inviting her out with you each day when you go running. The social worker or school may be able to help her get involved in some social activities that will take her out of herself. Maybe some volunteering together?

You have dealt with the paedophile, you have got Social Services involved and they are offering help. Just to say it again: you are doing the right things for your DD. I can't say don't worry, because her behaviour must be really scary. But be proud of yourself as a Mum for looking after your DD.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. I have no advice, however I was in a similar position as you DD, however my mother ignored it and I was allowed free reign of the internet, not once did she ever check my phone or laptop to see I was safe despite the red flags. Looking back now I do question why she failed to protect me, and there is a slight resentment ass a result (as well as other things). The point I am making is that she may not be grateful now for the things you are doing, but when she is older she will be. At 14 you think you understand the world but you don't- try telling a 14 year old that though. You are doing right by your DD, although she doesn't see that, one day she will

It sounds like there isn't as I think your social worker would have referred you already- but there might be a child sexual exploitation task force in your area. This is a youth worker/social services/ police multiagency thing and they're very skilled. Perhaps worth an ask? They are very used to young people like your daughter and I've seen them change lives.

Thank You

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

• I am definitely going to try that ‘Lasting Word’ Not try. I am going too. Maybe stern and non argumentative voice might make her listen a bit more.

I just wasn’t sure sometimes if I done the right thing. Taking her phone/social media and grounding her? Her obsession with boys is driving us crazy. All she wants to do is be with boys. She cried because I said she couldn’t have sex yet. I’m hoping she will wake up when she’s 17/18 , no reputation for being easy and thank me.

@lolablink I wish my mum protected me too. I was wild at 14. Already smoking, drinking, all nighters with men who had kids older than me. And this is why I’m trying so hard to protect my DD. I was left to do what I want and fell hard so I want to show her waiting to lose your virginity is a lot better than not remembering their name.

@PurpleFrames I think that’s MASH or FRANKIE. I can’t keep up with what the social worker throws at me with these names. One of them is definitely for sexual exploitation, she spoke to me and DD about it and DD declares there was no need for her to meet these people. She wasn’t needing their help. Then was found to have been messaging more blokes on Xbox. So she has no choice.

She just pushes me all the time and I’m really trying to stand my ground and stay strong. Really trying to put her first even though she hates me. She told her social worker she wants to leave and go into care. They said that wouldn’t happen. She’s now counting down until she is 16 so she can go to a hostel, have her phone and do what she wants with these boys. I’m hoping by then she will change.