Teenagers sleeping together

[HappySapper]

As the parent of

I think it's a personal decision and I agree with your concerns about pushing them to somewhere less safe.

I would certainly be checking that the other parents were ok about sleep overs.

Personally I would accept it only in a long term relationship, especially at 16.

Please talk to your son about protecting himself from the risk of pregnancy and infections. I would prefer both parties to be using contraception. Discuss consent and also the fact that because he's 16 doesn't mean he has to have sex. Those who have first sex later are less likely to regret it.

(I work in Sexual Health and do not have a problem with teenage sex btw)

You could always encourage him to attend a sexual health clinic to discuss with a third party.

My teenager is resistant to parental intrusion but I think it's still a parent's job to give guidance and set boundaries.

DCs BF and GF were allowed to stay from 16, Dd was a few months under 16 but her BF was 16.
they had been together 5 months. DS used to stay at his GFs at 16 and only brought her home to stay at 18. For us as long as it’s a steady relationship it is acceptable and normal within a relationship to want to have sex.
Contraception and consent was discussed and condoms left in their bathrooms. As someone else on another thread said take them out of the box so they don’t feel uncomfortable. We were lucky that in both cases the partners parents were lovely people and we had no issues communicating. Now they are older I don’t expect we would have much contact with parents.

At 16 I'd probably make their parents aware, but 18, no.

We have been in this situation. It didn't occur to us to contact the girl's parents - I think she would have been mortified had we done so. Nor did we ask her if her parents knew where she was - she seemed to be a polite and well-mannered girl so we assumed she wouldn't just walk out and let them worry.

But at sixteen, young people do have certain rights, and one of those rights is to make their own decisions regarding sex. Although most parents would want to know who their daughter is sleeping with because they care about her, the reality is that it's none of their business. It's a private matter between her and her partner, and the same applies to you and your son.

Many parents on MN seem to have got it into their heads that their sixteen-year-old offspring are still children and that they, as parents, have the right to get involved. This isn't really true, and hasn't been since 1989, when the concept of parental responsibility replaced that of parental rights.

Unfortunately - in my opinion - the actual definition has always been rather a grey area, unlike in Scotland (where a parent can only advise their 16-yo, not direct their behaviour), but my understanding of the intent is that parents should gradually transfer the right to make decisions that affect their children to their children, as the children develop the ability to make those decisions.

This followed - again, as I understand it - from the Gillick case of 1986, where under-16s were given the right to access contraception without their parents' consent or even knowledge.

When you consider that, at sixteen, young people have the legal right to leave home, live independently, get married (without parental consent in Scotland) and have children of their own, it seems clear that their own parents need to come to terms with the fact (difficult as this may be) that they are now essentially grown up and should be treated as such. Contacting the girl's parents would be incompatible with that philosophy.

My daughter had a steady boyfriend at 16. After they had been together for a few months, they were allowed to stay the night at both their homes. DD was already on the pill to regulate her periods but they also used condoms for insurance.
The way DH, I and the other parents saw it was that they were in teenage love and were going to have sex so far better to do that in the comfort and saftey of their own homes.
Their relationship lasted 3 years.

A counsellor took my 14yr daughter to the sexual health clinic and is now on the pill.
Her father thinks it’s ok for her to sleep with her boyfriend on a weekend (when he is meant to have his contact).
Apparently I get no say in the matter as her Mother.
It upsets me so much that it seems to be none of my business!! SHE IS MY DAUGHTER!! and under the age of 16.
When was all this OK?!

@luanmapo

My comment upthread regarding sexual matters being none of the parents' business referred solely to teenagers over the age of consent. I hope this did not cause confusion.

For the avoidance of doubt, I am not in favour of under-16s being sexually active to that extent and would, if faced with such a situation, attempt to discourage it.

But, as @sue51 commented, it could be argued that it is better to be safe in one's own home (rather than somewhere less salubrious).
Under-16s have been able to access contraception without parental consent (or knowledge) since 1986. The fact that a counsellor accompanied your DD isn't relevant in fact, as she could have gone by herself. As long as the Health Care Professional judged her to have the maturity and intelligence to understand what was being proposed (Gillick Competence) then her (your DD's) own consent to treatment (prescription) would be enough.
And in my experience (35 years working with teenagers in a variety of capacities) many 14-year-olds are capable of making such a decision.

Technically she is under the age of consent, but it was made quite clear regarding the 2003 Sexual Offences Act (so before your DD was even born) that the Act must not be used to prosecute under-16s who are sexually active, provided there is true consent from both parties and there is no coercion or other aggravating circumstances.

It is clear, therefore, that the legislation allows for consent under the "age of consent". In your position I would be concerned regarding the validity of this consent but since your DD has presumably convinced not only her father but also a counsellor that she does consent and is not being exploited, and the HCP has concluded she is Gillick Competent, then it is her decision (as far as I understand, but I am not a legal expert).

Of course, if the BF is over 16 this could change things, although it might still be argued that the couple are "close in age and level of maturity". If the BF is over 18 that argument might not hold. But as long as your DD is comfortable with the relationship she could simply refuse to press any charges you might propose against the BF - or refuse to give evidence against him. (I have known a situation like this.)

So, although it isn't what you want to hear, actually there doesn't seem to be much you can do - and would she want you to?

He is not even in a serious relationship yet so no need to overthink it now.

If he isn't keen on parental intrusion in his life he probably wont introduce you to, or ask for a partner to stay overnight for a while yet.

If/when it does happen here, if I am going to meet someone at breakfast I would expect to be acquainted with them already and will decide at the time depending various factors - maturity etc. When he asks, if you aren't sure, tell him to give you some time to think about it before answering.