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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I need my son to go... there I’ve said it..

16 replies

Blinkingecksake · 19/12/2019 23:33

I don’t recognise my 17 year old son. He is vile, nasty, destructive and affecting the well being of me and his siblings every single day. I have no energy left to type all the things he’s done.
I want to send him to his dad’s but he’s refusing to go there. He’s not in work or education. He’s had a youth worker through an EHA but she was beyond useless. He’s under CAMHS and awaiting an ADOS assessment - he’s willing to accept an ASD diagnosis but not sure what doors that will open.
I’m crying out for help and support but it seems there is none. The youth worker said if he won’t go to his dads all I can do is sign an abandonment form and they’ll give him a place in a hostel miles away!!
But I seriously can’t cope with him anymore. Nor can his siblings. What on Earth do I do?!

OP posts:

Original poster

Blinkingecksake · 20/12/2019 21:24

Anyone,,, please?!

OP posts:

Neome · 20/12/2019 21:27

I don't know what you do. I haven't been in this situation but it sounds incredibly difficult.

Is there such a thing as respite Foster care at the age of 17? Apologies if that's an ignorant question.

Are you the only adult in the house?

JoanieCash · 20/12/2019 21:28

No advice but sounds awful. Bumping for you.

bluebell34567 · 20/12/2019 21:29

sorry for your situation @Blinkingecksake.
what do you think is his problem? what does he say?
maybe you should ask this thread to be moved to special needs board if you think he will have some diagnosis.
in the mean time i wish if you could keep him.

kerkyra · 20/12/2019 21:30

Hope you get some good advice soon. I cant help as struggling with my 18 yr old son too so i really dont know the answer.
His dad lives up the road but I seem to get all the crap.

Marcipex · 20/12/2019 21:31

I think there’s less and less help, and nothing as soon as he’s 18, so if you’re sure, I wouldn’t wait any longer.
Do you think after a short while in a hostel, he’d be more willing to go to his dads?
Is his dad a good influence, or just your only option?

helpfulperson · 20/12/2019 21:33

You mention a youth worker. Have you been in touch with social services?

Has he threatened you or his siblings? If so please phone the police. It is a horrid feeling to phone the police on your son but can open a lot of doors.

ragged · 20/12/2019 21:44

I'm sorry you don't have easy choices.

You can't parent him or the others well if he's driving you insane. I don't think it would be unreasonable to sign the abandonment order.

bluebell34567 · 20/12/2019 21:53

why did you wait so long to have a diagnosis now? these things become apparent long before.

JKScot4 · 20/12/2019 21:54

Can you speak to his Dad and get him onside?

madyogafan · 20/12/2019 22:37

Hi OP.
My daughter moved out at 18 because we weren't getting on mainly due to her behaviour. She moved into supported accommodation but she actively wanted to go rather than us telling her she had to go which made it easier. She was under the mental health team at the time
It was easier to parent from a distance and we do still have a relationship with her. She did go to uni eventually and we supported her through that and she has a housing association flat now. Unfortunately the kids in supported places are all pretty troubled and it's not a great environment really.
My thoughts are that it looks like you can't go on as you are. I wonder if you could come to an agreement with your son that it's best he moves out as you aren't getting on so that he feels it was his choice? Then perhaps you could still keep the lines of communication open?
Thinking of you as I know how hard it is.

MsJaneAusten · 20/12/2019 22:43

Could something like this help?
foyer.net/

Google “[your local authority] Foyer” and see what comes up?

I’ve known a couple of seventeen year olds living in Foyers (one who was pregnant and one whose relationship with her mum broke down) and both seemed to find it beneficial.

Popetthetreehugger · 21/12/2019 15:01

My son was 18 , dropped out of college, living with mates , couldn't possibly work as he needed to concentrate on his band . He was on a tricky path where his mental health was suffering but he refused to change anything. So I rang XH , hadn't spoken for years . As luck would have it DS was there on a rare visit . I explained my view on the situation. XH kept him there , DS wasn't happy ! Everybody was lying about how bad it was ... he was fine . As he didn't have a close relationship with his dad , he couldn't pull on his heart strings . He was working within weeks . He has gone on to live in London with his best pall , their both 21 ( almost 22) this is there second house . He is a fully functioning adult now ! All I want to say is , don't despair , get him to his dads on any pretence ... sometimes a fresh start with new boundaries can turn things around 💐

dottypotter · 21/12/2019 15:03

let him go to the hostel and maybe he will change and realise what he is missing at home. Just a thought. as you say you need to look after your own mental well being and your other children.

Allington · 21/12/2019 16:02

Sometimes young people need to learn by experience. Let him go to the hostel. Encourage him to visit whenever he wants, and let him know he is loved, and as his behaviour is showing he doesn't want to be at home any more you are helping him move on to the next (exciting) part of his life.

If you can't get a place for him, you need to start reminding SS about the welfare issues with your younger children - they have the right to a safe place to grow up, and if his behaviour is affecting them, then SS can't ignore it because the problem is their sibling and not a parent.

Original poster

Blinkingecksake · 23/12/2019 10:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies - the kindness on these boards is very welcome at the moment! Just a quick reply amongst the Christmas madness.... the youth worker was from Social Services. We’ve had police involved when he’s stolen my things. He refuses to see his dad given past behaviour - let’s say the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree!! Yes I’m the only adult in the house. And of course I’ve tried to pursue a diagnosis before now but he’s always been high functioning end and very good at masking - also refused to engage in the process from a young age making diagnosis difficult. And he masked very well at school so couldn’t get enough evidence for a diagnosis anyway. Then when he turned 16, although involved with CAMHS, he was allowed to cut me out of everything. Doesn’t help!!
I just hope we get through Christmas with relative peace so that we can plan something in the new year. Am thinking I will offer him some sort of plan whereby he has to get a job and has to stay at his dads or my Mum’s twice a month to give us a break - and if he refuses then I just don’t know. I can’t go on but can’t bear the thought of a hostel which I’m told is all that’s available. Thanks again everyone I will explore the suggestions. A merry Christmas to all x

OP posts:

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