Am I raising a heartless person or just a normal teenager?

[KatherineCam]

Hi all! My daughter is 15 y.o. but I also have two more younger children. I always found that my daughter doesn't display much empathy towards others. She would talk rubbish (checking if I bought cookies etc) over heartbreaking parts in movies and overall doesn't look affected by others misfortune. Recently this lack of empathy became even more pronounced and it seems she is only thinking about herself. Overall I found it amusing or a bit annoying that she is so focused on herself and constantly complaining how her life is miserable. However two days ago when I tore two ligaments in my knee and had to undergo a surgery ( privately) my daughter only concern was if we will manage to go on holiday next winter or not due to this sudden expense. On one hand I tend to think that this is a classic teenager tunnel vision on the other I am worried that she is not even faking her concern for me missing on the whole holiday, unable to move freely for the next couple of months etc. She avoids helping her dad with her brothers now when I am out of action and overall looks annoyed that the attention is not on her woes.
Any advise will be great!

You get a better sense of empathy at this age by looking at how she is with her friends.
You're effectively wallpaper combined with a taxi.

I don't think she can be expected to perceive film scenes the same way as you though - that's asking a bit much.

How much time do you spend with just her? I built a better relationship with my teen dd when I started going to the cinema with her once a fortnight or thereabouts and we chatted about random things.

Our ddog has just needed £600 of dental work.
The majority of my dc voted save Xmas not save ddog.
The 5 yo voted save ddog.
14, 15 +adult dc voted save Xmas.
Tell your dc the leg is being amputated and it's no holiday next year.
Let her sweat for a few days...
Imo...

I think its too young to say, but she is who she is anyway. As long as shes not actually hurting people, then she cant help what she does and doesnt feel emotional over.

I wouldn't label her as heartless just yet. Maybe her acting like she was not worried about you was a coping strategy and to cover up her anxiety that you were hurt. Especially if she is aware that everyone knows she does this it could almost be like she is taking on a sort of character. Remember at the age of 15 your teen is still developing and placed in situations that she may not of been in before.... =)

She sounds exactly like my nearly 16dd. I've also been worried about how she comes across. It's quite upsetting. She told me last week when shes older she wants nothing to do with us 😰

Thank you, both good advise! Yes, i tried to talk to her at a regular intervals about how hard a work ( full time plus looking after house, 3 children and a husband that is often away). I thought it will give her an idea that I am not sitting on my bum waiting for her next request. However this conversations had very little effect I believe. She even gets angry at me if I spent my evenings on laptop booking clubs, holidays, clothes, equipment, food and not watching some mindless show with her. She expect me to be done with my things ( they are never MINE) and entertain her. I feel completely exhausted already by demands on my time and brain capacity from work and younger kids and could hardly see how I can "improve my performance" as a mother of a teenager. If I don't meet her demands ( buying staff, emailing school, booking activities) she is punishing me with silence and miserable looks.

My 12 year old could be described in a similar way. Some examples:

• When we had to tell our DC that their headmistress has passed away she was the only one who didn’t cry.
• The day we told them that DH had cancer (she was 9), within 5 minutes she had asked “Can I still go to Brownies tonight?”.
• During the whole season of his illness and treatment, she was the one who just got on with life and appeared to be the most “normal”.

The reality is that she just keeps things very close to her heart. She gets on with life and doesn’t show emotions. We know that she lies awake at night for hours pondering things however. It’s how she processes things. We know she cares, but when people who don’t know her well, or just see her public persona, they would easily think she was totally unaffected by these things.

Part of it is that she totally compartmentalises things and can switch off her feelings until she’s alone. And part of it is that I think she just doesn’t like to show her feelings to other people - she is super private.

Oh dear! That's not to good. I'm sure you are doing great but do remember at the age of 15 lits of girls want to be treated like more of an adult, even if they dont act like one.... i personally do not feel like getting angry with her will help your situation though. Try and make a point of treating her with respect, you could even try some bonding time together. Maybe the rules need to change a bit at home. Make it very clear that it is a favour for a favour. If you meet her demands then she will have to help you a bit. Then it will give meaning to what she is doing in helping you because there is somthing in it for her.

@Winterdaysarehere What? That is shocking. I hope you set them straight. I would donate all the money for their presents to Dog's Trust (except the 5 year old). Your poor dog. I hope he recovers from the op. It will make a world of difference for him once his teeth don't hurt anymore :)

Told them straight - awful buggars! Ddog was neglected previously and I knew she needed work done! Smashed one on some raw pumpkin at Halloween! 10 teeth out!!

She is so happy now!! Here on the right!

Oh she's beautiful (and her friend is too). Thank you for rescuing them :)
Our cat had 9 teeth out recently. She's like a different cat now!

My 25 year old dd is the same.

I think it's fairly normal, like a pp said you are wallpaper and teenagers can be very self absorbed. I had no idea about the stress of working whilst running a house, keeping kids and husband alive and doing life admin until I had to do it myself. You have to experience that to understand it. She will get there!

Actually on the look out for another

Thank you, everybody. I feel a bit relieved.

As a 14 year old my mother broke the news to me that my DGM had passed away totally unexpectedly - my response was that she was making it up so she (DM) didn't have to take me shopping (a pre-planned trip for later that day). How could I even have thought of such a thing ??

I promise I am not heartless now, it was just that my world revolved around me at that time (and probably for a few years after).

I was nine when my grandfather died a few days before my birthday. Years later I still feel embarrassed that my first reaction was to say oh dear I wont get a birthday card from him now. I’m just relieved I didn’t say presents!