Let her leave school?

[Heleneap]

Hi, I have my granddaughter living with me now just after her dad passed away. She is 15 and in year 11, she just moved schools to one closer to my house. I didn’t want to move her away from her friends and school but it was going to be to long of a trip for her to go her original school. Anywho, my drama is now since she moved she is hating school (she hasn’t gone since start of term due to her dad passing) she has gone to this school since around half term and everyday it’s a struggle to get her to school. She is always going on about her dad, he raised her by himself since she was 11 and was her best friend. I know how hard it is for her to have lost him he is my son, but I want her to do her GCSE.
She wants to take a year off but I feel if she does she won’t go back, she is a smart child. What would you do?

1. Let her take a year break and go back next year
2. Move her back to her original school, and maybe live with a friend, I move to the area, or back into her old house. She isn’t talking to her friend from her original school because of teen drama.
3. Any other help?

I am at a loss here, Anything i do will be wrong.

Difficult one. On what u said I would persevere with the school but try to introduce nice times for u and her - so maybe straight from school on a Monday go for dinner together if u can afford to - that way u have an hour out every week to chat in a relaxed environment? Offer to invite kids from her class over on a Friday perhaps? Start up swimming lessons ? And a good walk after school mid week in the woods and a coffee for again quality time and time to talk in the fresh air. I guess I’m focusing on keeping busy! She is lucky to have such a good family as yourself!

Hello ~ I really do not have any advice but I wanted to support you, you sound wonderful and both you and your grand daughter have been through so much this year ~ I guess I would speak with social services for advice there may be more options for a grieving child and look after yourself too xx

Could you set up a meeting with the school to talk about it? I'm not sure you're necessary allowed to take a year out. They might suggest she moves down to year 10 now though, which would help academically especially if she ends up missing a bit more school on days she's not feeling up to it. Can the school offer her any more support with losing her dad or with making friends?

What an awful situation for you and your poor dgd.

Firstly, no don’t move it won’t solve anything and this year is disrupted enough as it is.

This is a real hard point in the year for them, I had both of mine have issues at this point but come the new year they were more positive. In fact dd2 has been ill and we are having similar discussions now about 2nd year uni. I would imagine she’s also feeling very overwhelmed with facing Christmas with her dad.

Try and just keep things ticking over for now, see if you can persuade her to go back in the new year then all well and good but maybe even chat with the school about home schooling and taking them in the summer, then she can start completely afresh with college A levels in September.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3711135-Thread-three-holding-on-to-the-end-of-the-rope-life-in-the-bunker-with-the-PoTs-where-parenting-a-teen-is-adversely-affecting-your-mental-health

You might also find this thread helpful in getting out your day to day frustrations it’s a handling teenagers whilst keeping your own mh in tact version of the stately homes thread.

Up to the age of 16 she should legally be in education. She can't take a year out at 15 but there are options.

1. School should be helping more. She should have support, so they could suggest sending work home if she really can't go in but they should do more to support her being in school. You'll need to be a bit cynical and keep on at them until you get what your granddaughter needs.
2. Home education. Not for everyone. We did it though through interhigh. Our DD is now in college.

3 Flexi schooling. This is down to the individual school. It means going to school part time but at least she'd be going. Not every school does this and is down to head teacher discretion. On the days she doesn't go in, she might still do something educational but at home. 4 she doesn't have to do gcses just yet but it would mean doing them privately at a later date and finding somewhere to sit them.

I'm not sure about moving back. The familiar area might be helpful but you can't guarantee she'll get a place back at her old school. Does she get to visit?

Is your granddaughter getting counselling? Perhaps the counsellor has some thoughts on this?

I wish you and your granddaughter lots of luck in whatever you choose. You sound like a wonderful, loving grandparent

My son lost his dad in november and school is a no go for him. He hasn't left the house since the day we found out his dad had passed away and advice from a social worker is to not push. Let him feel better in his own time. So for me I would let her take the rest of the year off on the understanding she will do a year doing her gcses at college from September. X

Year 11 is horrible timing to be dealing with all this. I don't know what's best for this year, but I would put some time in to working out her options for next year, on the assumption that her GCSEs may not reflect her ability. Work out what she would have been planning to do after GCSEs, see what options there are locally, whether she could do retakes or an extra GCSE year at college, etc. Although schools tend to imply that GCSE grades are crucial, fewer subjects or lower grades won't necessarily hinder her. It will be important to get English and maths, and probably science, but a decent college should take the disruption to her education into account and not write her off, and once she has a post-GCSE qualification, that will hopefully stand her in good stead. If she's looking at A-levels, talk to the local colleges/schools about what she should concentrate on for now.

Thank you everyone, we had a meeting with the school I raised my concerns and so did they, they understand and what to do what’s best in her interest. I asked about repeating year 10 which they were on board with, but concerned what other students would say due to her already starting there in year 11. We spoke about doing two years of gcse which they said could be arranged, which means she would do some this year and following. I now need to have a big talk with her about her options as year 10 would be like a year off kind of.
I have been giving the option for her to go to a independent school next term if I choose, they are on board with her starting in year 10 and I don’t know about going there but at least she can start there in year 10 without anyone knowing she is being ‘kept down.’
At this school she is at she has been getting bullied and is struggling with other students, according to the school. She did move from a independent single sex school in London to a government co-sex school so I can understand it is hard for her. I am annoyed that only now I am finding out about the bullying, and only now has this school raised concern when this could also be the issue of why she doesn’t want to go.

Has she had any bereavement counselling? She can't just leave as she needs to be in education or training until 18, but there may be more flexible options such as repeating year 10 (could she perhaps do limited gcses this year and be in a y11 form then resume other subjects next year with current y10). Speak to LA inclusion officer and hoy and pastoral support at the school again.

She does see a physiologist and everything who I am having a meeting with to discuss our options.
And she does see her old friends but they have turned on her. One reason they turned on her is because she now goes to a government school and they don’t want to talk to someone at a poverty school (which is what they called it) which is stupid! She has learnt they aren’t her true friends now. Her old headmaster would happily have her back and does a space still open from her but I don’t know about her moving there or boarding (which they do have boarding available)
This is just so hard.