Help with moody awkward DD 14 nearly 15

[Daddylonglegs1965]

Hello I need a hug and advice DS almost 16 seems to have turned a corner thank goodness revising for his mocks, pleasant some of the time and can hold a conversation if he is in the mood to do so.
However DD 14 nearly 15 is absolutely dreadful. She is dyslexic but seems to be doing ok at school and behaving herself there. She has a tiny group of friends she sees at school but they rarely meet up outside of school. However, she absolutely hates me rarely has a civil tongue, is nasty, snappy, shouty, sweaty, angry, rude, bone idle, filthy, lazy, has poor hygiene (often smells) and looks scruffy. If she has a biscuit or a packet of crisps she will chuck the paper down the back of the couch or throw it behind a cupboard rather than put it in the bin (and lies that it was her). Her bedroom is really filthy. I wash, dry, iron and sort her clothes out and she won’t put them away. They end up either falling on the floor and some get put back in the wash basket or she dumps them in the bottom of her wardrobe alongside dirty knickers/dirty school shirts etc.
She started her periods two years ago and her periods are erratic and last for ages (I have had her at the doctors twice about this). She had an appointment last night to discuss going on the pill to help regulate things but she refused to go so I had to cancel it.
Please don’t say don’t give her pocket money as she doesn’t get any if she did it would all be spent on giant bars of chocolate. Fortunately she is very tall and is still a size 12-14 so she doesn’t look overweight but her diet is appalling she won’t eat any meat or any fruit whatsoever and she doesn’t have many vegetables either. I ask her to suggest 3 or 4 meals a week that she would like and she gets bad tempered and all she can come up with is margarita pizza!!!
I came in from work last night to a pile of mail neither of them had picked up and then verbal abuse because I put the tree lights and living room lights on which she complained were too bright. Things then got much worse we had words and she stormed off upstairs.
If I ask her if she could please say feed the dog (she wanted so much) or if she would empty the dishwasher or make her bed or something simple she kicks off.
All she wants to do is play on her phone and eat chocolate or junk food (crisps and pizza).
I can’t remember what is was like to be a teenager but I tell her I love her and have always shown an interest in her life and her day (which really isn’t appreciated).
DH works long hours and his answer is don’t speak to her then, don’t cook or shop for her (she can starve), close her bedroom door she can sleep in a mess and don’t wash her clothes, just leave her alone she can eat upstairs and stay upstairs if she wants!!! So needless to say DH and I fell out too what I would like to do is take her phone off her for a goodly while (until she has tidies her room and behaves civilly and respectfully). I respect that she doesn’t eat meat but because she won’t eat much else and is so uncooperative catering for her is an absolute nightmare. She has been like this awhile but things have got worse. I am dreading Christmas now just the four of us and we also have MIL thrown into the mix for an extended stay at NY. Any advice appreciated.

Anyone

Just coming on to give you a hug. It's a shit time. My DD was and can be similar. Aspects of your post could have been written by me. Her moods were vastly improved by going on the minimill (but I appreciate you can take the horse to water). It is your house and you are her parent so a bit of tough love might work. Me and DD have crossed swords many times, a straw for me was that I'm not allowed in her room but she then steps over the piles of clean laundry placed at her door. I lost it a bit and actually composed an email to her because conversations always ended up with her shouting over me. I said that the simple way to stop me going in her room would be to get fecking responsible and pick up her stuff. It kinda works (for the moment) but perhaps your DH has a point - stop doing her stuff. If she wants to grow up and be responsible (and lets face it they hate us at this age and can't wait to leave), then leave her to it. There is compromise to be had - she has to be civil and respectful. But it's hard to implement. Have another hug. They are wee shites but we love em

She wants to play on her phone? She can when she’s tidied her room.
She will lose the phone if she’s rude.
Don’t buy junk.

I get that you're frustrated but you sound like you hate her and she sounds like a normal teenager.

Try to go a bit easy on her.

Thanks Wolfe and Jaggy @WatchingTheMoon sorry if I sounded like that I love her to bits and want her to be happy and be all she can be. I would hate her to be laughed at or picked on at school if kids picked up that she had BO or commented on her appearance. Other girls look like they have clean clothes on, their shirt tails aren’t hanging out, they have made an effort with their hair etc. I am shattered rushing about taking the dog out, tidying the kitchen, ferrying her to school as non of her school friends live near us all before work. Meanwhile she plays on her phone. When I get home she is again playing on her phone and has been in almost 2 hours (hasn’t picked the mail up/has made a snack and made a mess). Her shoes are kicked off in the hall, her bag is on the kitchen work surface and she either hasn’t got changed and is covered in dog hairs or has got changed and her uniform is strewn across her bedroom floor (alongside yesterday’s dirty knickers) or across her unmade bed. I am tired and frustrated with her and she has been really nasty hurtful and aggressive to me. As an older mum and being menopausal I am really struggling with her (I am on HRT). I think she hates me and is embarrassed about me and she has said as much. She doesn’t like the clothes I wear and some of the girls she goes to school with have really young mums.

Withdraw your services.
Own meals.
Own washing.
WiFi off is a good plan.
Take yourself off for long baths so you aren't giving her behaviour an audience.
Bus timetable links.

I have a chronically messy and unorganized 12 year old. I think with your husband you need to sit her down and institute a system.
There are Minimums that need to be done. So you could start off with: dirty knickers and socks in family washing basket - this basket needs to be in close proximity to her room.
Do you collect her from school? If so phone is handed over and is returned as and when shoes are tidied, bag sorted and uniform felt with. If they didn’t happen I would remove phone while she was asleep and it’s returned when those jobs are completed next days.
Other options are to sit down as a family - you, DH and her and come up with, together some minimum expectations.
Also what can you do to take the burden off you? Cleaner, dog walker? Is that possible.
Have you tried taking her out for a Starbucks/Costa and telling her you are concerned about her and asking her to open up?
Teens want us to approve of them. Even if they don’t show it.
If all else fails there are some really good books out there. This one was recommended by our school recently Dr. Frances Jensen's book, The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist's Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults.

Thanks both yes I have tried talking and trying to listen to her many times but she just either shuts down, gives one word answers (fine, ok, nothing, not interested, don’t want to talk to you, or walks off, looks away) etc.
I work part time I give her lifts too school every day it started when she was being bullied by some ex friends she used to walk to school with (they completely turned on her mid way through year 7). A lot of big groups meet up and walk to school from where we live very few kids walk alone. I pick her up two days a week when I am off the other days she walks home on her own. Unfortunately the way DH has got the phone set up they have unlimited data and to take her phone off her nowadays would be a fight and one or both of us would probably get hurt. I insist she leaves it on charge in the main living room overnight.
I have tried to say to DH about some expectations and him being supportive but he wants the line of least resistance and isn’t bothered if the house is a mess (I am not mega house proud but I don’t want to live like that and know it’s easier to keep the house tidy if I can try and keep on top of it. This week has been particularly hard as DS has his mocks and I have been poorly heavy cold/shivery since last Friday.
DH’s family are extremely easy going as is he and I feel like a Sargent major for expecting some support, some respect whilst also teaching the kids about responsibility, respect and independence.

She’s 14! If you can’t confiscate a phone without a fight then you have a bloody huge problem.
Set some basic boundaries. Don’t ask for the moon. Start with what’s most important. Don’t pick a battle. Stay calm. This needs to happen or the consequence is ... And then she chooses. She can choose to act like a person grown up enough and responsible enough to be trusted with such tech or she can act like a little kid throwing a tantrum and lose it. Her choice.
Sounds like you’re scared of her and she knows it. It’s only going to get harder if you don’t establish some ground rules. U.K. amazed you’ve waited this long.

Thanks yes I have treat her differently than I would have and allowed her to get away with things due to the bullying she experienced, problems with hormones/mood swings with her erratic periods and she is also extremely immature for her age.

Hugs from me too OP. DD13 is like this in many ways (including height!) and veers between horrible teenager and fabulously loving and lovable child. I think I was a foul teenager and one of my loveliest and emotionally stable friends was so awful her dad took her bedroom door off its hinges to stop her wrecking the house by slamming it. It's a tough age to be. Keep going, keep yourself sane, keep showing her you love her, keep trying to preserve the boundaries. I hope things get better for you 💐💐

Hello OP
You already have some good suggestions. There is just one thing I wanted to add.
I recently attended a talk run by phsychologists who deal with teenagers.
One of the things they said was teens resent boundaries but they really want them subconsciously and benefit from them.
So draw up a contract between you, your husband and her and stick to it.

Good luck
Xx

Thanks Angrymouse I think I knew that but had lost my way and with DH being so laid back and against this the other night I was thinking maybe I was like a some outdated Sargent major. I said I would help her tidy her room and have a proper sort out tomorrow if she did the basics today but she has to make reasonable efforts to try and maintain it otherwise their would be consequences i.e. confiscating her phone. She has been a big help to me today with shopping and helping with lots of present wrapping.

Has she been assessed for ASD? A lot of what you mention have been issues for my niece

My daughter is a similar age and can be a right manky moo! I refuse to get in a battle with her about clothes and bedroom etc... and when she complains she's got no clean clothes the answer is tough! ( I do make sure she has clean uniform/underwear for each day).. try and choose your battles wisely and remember this won't last forever but you do need to get some control now. I'd start with the phone.. if she has to charge it downstairs each night then you've a perfect opportunity to confiscate it, tell her in no uncertain terms that she will have to earn it back. Ask at her school if they're running any courses for parents with tricky teens.. it could really help

There definitely needs to be boundaries. I would also start with the easiest thing which is putting her dirty clothes in wash basket, take phone away if she doesn’t do it after you ask - but warn her and follow through.
Don’t make empty threats.
From what you say re her friendships/past bullying it doesn’t sound like she is happy and she could be acting out this way at Home as she can’t at school. Most kids hold it together at school and then behaviour dips at home - it’s natural.
Most kids want to be on phone 24/7 if they can - esp if that’s how they’re getting their social interaction so that’s normal too.
My teens’ rooms are hideous but dd will blitz here and I help ds with his. Their brains aren’t wired to think about dirty washing (but it’s unacceptable to leave dirty knickers in wardrobes).
As for the moods etc, that’s hormones and brain rewiring. I find it best to say ‘do you think it’s ok to speak to me like that?’and not to respond until you are spoken to in a respect manner.

stop buying junk food and take the phone away your in charge!

We have a 14 year old boy very happy and chilled but his first ever girlfriend sounds just like your daughter. Her poor Mum is struggling badly with really bad behaviour. Not sure if at 14 we get to be nightmares. I was the devil.
I approach parenting in a very calm way. I'm also older Mum and I don't have the energy to fight.
I do make sure we do things together. I watch anything he wants on tv and we spend a lot of time together. We laugh together.
Sounds like you need to make friends so she stops fighting you.
When I get resistance I always say don't make me get cross with you because ill find ways to make your life miserable.
It isn't easy and now his girlfriend is banned from seeing him.
I'm not sure their relationship will survive her bad behaviour. She send him in one hour 200 text messages he wasn't impressed.

Ah, she sounds very similar to my DD but after 2 DSs I'm not letting most of it bother me.

Of course there will be huge drama when I take her phone over night, but ultimately she needs the boundary and will thank me for it one day. Or at least not hate me anymore.

Big hug and last but certainly not least aassive glass of

OH and this important mantra this to will pass.