Suicide

[shiveringsparklingtimber]

DS's classmate and friend took her own life yesterday morning. The school sent out a letter to all parents yesterday afternoon. DS is clearly sad but has shut himself in his room (as usual). He's now asleep but I'm worried about tomorrow. I'm not sure what I can do to help him. Any advice please?

I’m so sorry to hear , it’s heartbreaking. Dd experienced this a few years ago. She was friends with the girl as they did extra curricular together but not best friends so I don’t know if our experience relates. The school was fantastic in dealing with the situation, providing support. Outside of school the friends that were in the small extra curricular group decided to have their own commemorative afternoon a week after the funeral, which was private and gave them a chance to grieve away from the adults. I’m not sure how old your DS is, Dd was 14 at the time. We talked to her about her friend and what had happened and why, but little chats and checking in with her . I still find it so upsetting that young people become so overwhelmed they can be driven to suicide. Hope your DS is ok.

@whenweweresix Thanks for replying. This must be some sort of taboo subject on MN... I was shocked by the lack of response or support.

Teenage suicide exists; ignoring it exacerbates the isolation, mental health issues, abuse, bullying, and so on that teens suffer.

My DS is 16, his friend and classmate was also 16. He didn't sleep all that night, and I stayed awake with him. We talked about his friend a little but my DS tends to hide his feelings. I think it helped him to know that I was awake and very sympathetic. Poor kids! It's hard to be a teenager.

It’s terrible enough to be an adult and for this to happen to a friend. For a teenager it is a deeply shocking thing to come to terms with. I am sure your teen is grateful you’re there for him. It is hard as you can’t make it all better... you don’t want him to suffer, but of course he can’t avoid it. All the best to you both.

I have experience of bereavement from suicide as an adult. I would contact either a bereavement charity for children and young people (e.g. Winston's wish) or a charity for suicide specific bereavement. It is a particularly complex grief and a very difficult time to experience it as a teenager.

The advice I got for the children in the family (young teen and below) was to do as you have done instinctively. Let them know they can talk if they want but don't force it. If they are not talking about it, they're not ready. Offer time and space and opportunities but don't expect too much too soon.

The shock of this type of bereavement lasts longer than you expect. They will not even be grieving yet. It will be pure shock.

I would definitely push for the school to be taking a big part in support for the pupils. But also model taking care of your own mental health.

I am so sorry for the loss of you DC's friend. It may also be nice to reach out the family of the deceased.

Op i think all you can do is keep talking to youre ds.....
I shall be thinking of that family at this incredibly hard time.
I hope the school are able to put in place counselling for all those affected.
So sorry.

At 15, ds's friend stepped in front of a coming train.
Ds attended the funeral. Therapy was offered via school but ds didn't go.
He is 18 now and it still plays on his mind. In his experience it spurred him in to do what he wanted - and has joined the army.
Sorry your ds is going through this. In your shoes I would wake him up with tea and a sandwich. Let him know he can cry /talk or whatever. Or he will wake up late on when you are asleep and be alone with his thoughts.

You need to ensure he gets counselling. Research indicates that if a friend or someone close has committed suicide then that individual is at greater risk of suicide too. Ensure you keep communicating and help him to grieve - visiting the grave, talking to her family, framing a picture etc.

I'm so so sorry , how absolutely heartbreaking. My DDs BF died aged 19 ( not suicide) was a very traumatic time . I can only imagine the pain suicide must add. I think you just need to be there for you son, be prepared to talk about his friend and share memories, offer to find counselling but he may not be ready straight away. Allow him space to grieve , if he needs a day in bed to sob then let him, be gentle. Be prepared for him to be up.and down , he may appear to.be appear to be doing well then suddenly unexpectedly collapse with grief when you least expect it. It will help him to talk to people who.also knew and loved his friend, and perhaps arrange a memorial event just for friends where they can come together informally to grieve and remember their friend. Be mindful of DS's mh keep an eye on him.

Thanks, all. DS broke up with his long term (ten months) GF last night so I'm worried. I'm going to have a chat with the school about it.