Do you expect your teen to apologise for bad behaviour

[Snowedunder1]

Had argument with Dd14 yesterday. Quite a trivial trigger (requested her to tidy room), but resulted in her being nasty, shouting, hurling insults, at me etc. I have to admit I did shout back a little, but mainly to get myself heard and under provocation. Anyway I have confiscated her phone since yesterday, mainly for the rude behaviour and shouting etc.

The problem is she’s very stubborn and got a lot of pride, and doesn’t usually apologise leading to a bad atmosphere in the house for days. Any attempt to encourage her to reflect/discuss usually leads to another argument.
Should I insist on an apology as a condition to giving her back her phone? Or just give it a day or so of cooling off and move on without any sort of discussion or apology, pretend nothing has happened to try to revert the mood in the household myself?
How do others handle this sort of situation?

I wouldn't insist on an apology. There's no point in an insincere apology.

Have you apologised for shouting?
The fact you're making excuses about your reasons for shouting say a lot about her behaviour. There's a lot of ways to talk to a teenager. You don't need to shout. It'll only escalate the situation.

It wouldn't really be an apology though.
I'd want to sit down and discuss it , don't be baited into another argument .

Interesting point ‘giveher’ but I’m not sure I get that. Would be interested to hear what others think

I basically said ‘I don’t care too much for what you have to say about me right now- as your behaviour is pretty awful. We can talk later when you stop being so rude’. This was said in response to her saying she hates me, insulting me etc

Yes this was said in a raised voice, but I don’t think it was anything too bad to say this in itself

I agree that waking away and later talking would have been a much better way of addressing things, and I did try that initially. I think we are human though and can end up reacting in the heat of the situation though against our better judgement

You have my sympathy. DS1 is 16 now and has come out of the awful door-slamming, tantrum stage, but it was SUCH hard work. At 14, he was really in the middle of it.

I think an apology will be fake, so don't bother.

Absolutely we all react in ways that we later realise weren't the best ways of handling a situation.

I'd sit down with her and discuss her reaction and ask why she reacted in that way. Talk about how you feel and THEN apologise for retaliating in the way you did.

Then make a decision on whether to give her phone back based on how she responds to that.

That way you're showing her how to approach the situation in a mature way, and giving her the opportunity to apologise (or give you a hug which is basically a teenage girl apology) without another argument.

If she kicks off again just say calmly "that's fine. Let me know when you're ready to talk this through properly." And keep her phone.

If she talks things through properly, discuss how you'll avoid the escalation in future then give her her phone back on the basis that you expect her room to be kept tidy.

Thanks for replies so far
Annuva- reassuring to hear it gets better. The thought of another few years of this are torture though!
The tantrums are so unpredictable sometimes though. It often happens so quickly over the most minor of things and I struggle to recall how it escalated into a tantrum

Have you apologised for shouting?
The fact you're making excuses about your reasons for shouting say a lot about her behaviour. There's a lot of ways to talk to a teenager. You don't need to shout. It'll only escalate the situation

I agree but so hard to do in the moment. The second I shout things escalate with my son. If I manage to keep calm it blows over more quickly.

There is an expectation for everyone in the family to apologise. Ds usually makes me a cuppa and gives me a hug. I always apologise for shouting.

I had a horrible row wih my two last night, they're boys aged 15 and 17. It was over jacket potatoes I said I was only doing chicken curry (which they both like) rather than a choice of curry/tuna mayo/cheese which we usually have, because I'm trying to save money before Christmas and the tuna could do another meal next week.

They both complained really obnoxiously, called me mean, said it was stingy and boring, then started having a loud conversation about ordering themselves a pizza and splitting the cost. I was really upset and called them spoiled brats and said they couldn't have any of the mince pies I'd made

They came to me separately later on and apologised for being "massive dicks" about the meal. I apologised for being childish about the mince pies (which we then ate).

I think sometimes they don't "know their own strength" verbally and get carried away. I don't think I would insist on an apology, as I don't think a forced apology achieves much, but it's certainly appreciated when they do apologise spontaneously.