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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

What age is it ok for a bf

21 replies

Watch100 · 04/12/2019 12:09

My 14 yr old is just entered a serious relationship, am worried they have been very intimate and don’t know how to ask , does anyone hv similar experimces

OP posts:

mcmen05 · 04/12/2019 13:53

14 Is definitely too young.
But you do need her to use protection so have the chat about where they are at and your always there to help.
Tell her she needs to have protection for herself
I have a dd 16 an dd 14 neither sexually active but I have told them when they feel ready come to me. I would prefer they wait to they are over 18 but I think the more you tell them not to do something they would be more keen to try. I have told them that the boy also has to wear a condom.

Icanflyhigh · 04/12/2019 14:08

14 is young, but unfortunately now it seems to be the norm.

Waiting til over 18 is very unlikely IMO and a bit

DD1 is 15, I know she isn't a virgin, she told me. She has a new boyfriend who is 14, they are not sexually active.

I think all you can do is encourage openness, dont be all judgemental about it and definitely do not tell them they must wait until they are 16 as all they will do is become secretive.

Talk about contraception, and if you're really worried, borrow a really noisy baby for a couple of nights! That should put them off !!!

IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying · 04/12/2019 14:19

I think it's sad if 14 is seen to be the norm. They are children and you only get to be a child for a short time.

Why the hurry?

Winona45 · 04/12/2019 14:21

14 is the norm !!
I have a 15 year old and would be devastated if she wasn't a virgin.
Its way too young in my opinion.

JanetTheOneAndOnly · 04/12/2019 16:08

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MelissaCortezsPastry · 04/12/2019 16:42

When Ds1 was in year 10 the most horrifying thing to happen to all the children bragging about sex was seeing their fellow year 10 classmate get pregnant by a year 9 boy and then watched everyone shit themselves that that could have been them. And she kept the baby. All the boys suddenly realised that they could be a Dad at 15.

Ds1 has seen all his mates have drama after drama with girlfriends and luckily told any girl who liked him that his exams were important and he didn't have time for a girlfriend. He saw how much head space it took, realised how many of these relationships burned out quick only to see the girl start dating someone else.

If you cannot have a conversation with your child about protection then prepare to be a Grandma. That is the reality. Sex in this household is an ongoing conversation. Ds has asked a lot of questions over the years and I will answer any question he has but I won't answer personal stuff about me or me and Dh. That is the only rule.

I wouldn't encourage any relationships at 14 and every time they have sex they are risking pregnancy. Considering the sheer number of adults who have unplanned pregnancies how can we not expect it from teenagers?

Travelban · 05/12/2019 08:05

We have been lucky so far and my Dd1 15 is not interested in boys. If she was or she had a boyfriend, I would talk to her about contraception, even though in fairness schools do cover this so it should not be a surprise or an unfamiliar topic.

I don't envy you and I am just keeping my fingers crossed we don't have any boyfriends untio next year at least, but I won't stop her at 15 unless it is unhealthy or someone older.

Original poster

Watch100 · 05/12/2019 08:58

Thanks all for the help , and it is sad that 13\14 is now the norm age , but that’s nothing rly that can be done ,

OP posts:

Original poster

Watch100 · 05/12/2019 09:00

Also waiting till 18 maybe is a tad to long , but I just feel 14 is too young , I mean in my day it was 17 or so

OP posts:

Arewedone · 05/12/2019 09:24

Dd found herself in a relationship at 15 which became intimate after 5 months, thankfully we have a very open relationship so addressed issues of contraception ahead. The relationship lasted 2 years and her boyfriend was a dream first boyfriend from a parents perspective in the way he treated her, but my personal feeling is sex at 15 is too young for a number of reasons. In fact it was one of the reasons Dd ended her relationship. The best thing I think you can do is keep communication open and have talks little but often to ensure they always feel they can talk to you without being judged.

BarbedBloom · 05/12/2019 15:05

I was 14 when I was sexually active in the early 90a, as were most of my friends. From people I have encountered, it wasn't that rare back then. I think talking about protection is the most sensible approach and having an open door for discussing things like this. However, I do think some teens just won't discuss this stuff with their parents, I know several teens who were sexually active but whose parents believed otherwise when I worked in schools. I think the best approach is also educating them about places they can go for advice e.g. GP, sexual health clinic. Obviously it shouldn't be encouraged but I think expecting kids to wait till 18 is naive.

Oblomov19 · 05/12/2019 15:10

I think you are all naive. Ds1 doesn't have a girlfriend but many of his friends have had, for quite some time, and they apparently are now sexually active, as they are now 16 or approaching 16.

sunshineandshowers21 · 05/12/2019 15:12

i think 14 is about average tbh. i had my first boyfriend at 14, as did most of my friends. this was over ten years ago. by 15 i’d say the majority of people in my year were sexually active. only one person got pregnant whilst still at school - and it was me.

WineIsMyCarb · 05/12/2019 15:14

Perhaps silly question, but what is meant by 'boyfriend/girlfriend'?
Cinema trips, handholding, McDonald's, film night on sofa at family home fine at 14 and very common when I was that age in the 90s.
Certainly talk about not being legally able to give your sexual consent before age 16 and that no contraception is 100% effective, even if you are super careful.

GlamGiraffe · 05/12/2019 15:16

I am certain that no one in my friends year at school and other people he knows outside school definitely has not had sex before the age of 16 and plenty haven't even though they are now 17 and 18 even though they have had 'girlfriends' and 'boyfriends' that's doesnt necessarily equate to sex! At my sons school there is a very strong anti peer pressure movement towards everything so maybe kids are less likely to try and keep up with each other?

AlexaShutUp · 05/12/2019 15:28

I am 100% certain that my 14yo dd is not sexually active. We talk about stuff quite openly and although there are boys who she likes/like her, she has decided that she would prefer to just stay friends for the time being. I don't think any of her close female friends are sexually active either, less sure about one of the boys who does have a steady girlfriend.

There are lots of kids in her year at school who are having sex/drinking/smoking weed etc but thankfully dd and her friends think they have more fun doing other stuff.

I don't think 14 is unusual at all, but I don't think it's ideal and I also don't think it's the norm. My friend's teenage dd had an abortion recently and has been traumatised by it. I think this might put dd off for quite a while!

Arewedone · 05/12/2019 15:53

@Oblomov19 I don’t think we are all naive from the comments you can see quite a few have experienced sexually active 15/16 year olds.
If Dd, now 17 is correct, almost 60-70% of her year group, she’s in 1st year A levels, have had sex. Her BF in his final year A levels says its almost 90% but at least 50 % had sex at 16

lifeisgoodagain · 05/12/2019 15:59

14 is young but whether it's too young depends on their maturity - puberty and emotional maturity varies a lot, my DD's were 15 & 20 which reflects their personalities to be honest. Stopping her may not be possible so ensure you talk to her and that she's safe (my dd was lecturing me on this at the weekend as I'm in a new relationship!)

bigkaren69 · 12/12/2019 18:00

My daughter had her first relationship at 12, they were very sweet and It was completely fine. However, they only hugged/ kissed/ held hands and should not get too intimate until at least 16 in my opinion. If they really like each other you mustn't split them up but they shouldn't go further than kissing at this age.

FishCanFly · 13/12/2019 15:17

16 is the age of consent. Make your kids aware that underage sexual activity may have serious criminal implications.

whenweweresix · 13/12/2019 16:20

@FishCanFly that’s not entirely accurate. If they are a similar age and both consenting then unless they had been coerced into engaging in a sexual activity by an adult no prosecution would be made. It comes under the human rights to a sex life act. If one is much older then there is a strong possibility. It’s stressful enough worrying your under 16 is sexually active so no need to add any further stress.

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