Dealing with a school's unfair action

[Ithsboat]

I'm potentially in a position where I'm going to find myself confronting the school on what I feel is excessive punitive action towards my son.

Today, I had an email from head of year to say that our 14 yo son would be facing detentions because his hair is too short. Fair enough, we did warn him before he went to the barbers and we did tell him that if he got in trouble at school because of this he would face a loss of privileges at home AND not be able to go to the barbers on his own again.

However, in the same email, the HoY said that he would also have to stop wearing trainers to school as of tomorrow. Normally I'd agree, but last week some other child in my son's year stole his shoes and put them down the toilet. Apparently this action was unprovoked but resulted in a bit of a scuffle as a result of which both children were punished. However, my son, who has Asperger's and significant sensory issues refuses to wear the shoes again because they've been in the toilet. He has had a few issues with bullying already so even if he didn't have his sensory issues I'd be worried about him wearing the shoes again simply because of what other boys might say. I'm really at a loss as to what we should do. Should we refuse to send him in his toilet soiled shoes and insist that the other boy's parents should pay for or contribute towards another pair or should we just suck it up and say "yes miss, three bags full miss", splash out on another pair of shoes and hope that's the end of it? I really feel that my son's school are simply trying to encourage us to take him elsewhere because they can't be bothered with another special needs kid.

You need to get your child suitable school shoes. You can ask the school to ask the other parents to pay for them but it may seem a bit odd a week later.

So you have broken two, school rules and want to complain to the school?

The hair I'm on the school's side.
The shoes ... whilst I sympathise it will be impossible for the school to help you enforce the other parent paying.
We had a similar incident with a phone - absolutely no question that it was the other child at fault - but short of pursuing legal action it wasn't possible to get any money for it.

You need to send your child into school in correct school uniform. Don’t let him get his hair cut too short or wear the trainers.

In my experience , yes, they probably want to get rid of another special needs kid.

Adjustments to the uniform for sensory reasons for a child with an asd “should” be a reasonable adjustment.

Take my advice, dont wait a couple of years whilst they make his life impossible. Get him out of there.

Were the shoes damaged by going in the toilet?

It doesn’t matter if they were actually damaged. A child with an asd would not wear them again.

What has been done to address the bullying?

Your poor DS. I wouldn't want to wear shoes that had been in the toilet either.

Re the hair, I think it's fair enough for him to suck up the punishment if he knowingly went against the school rules.

Re the shoes, I don't think the school can insist on you supplying a new pair straight away. For all they know, you might not be able to afford it.

Are they addressing the bullying effectively?

Perhaps not, but it may be easier to get the other parents to buy the new shoes if there is visible damage.

OP, please don't make your principles result in your DS receiving even more grief at school. In an ideal world the boy who put his shoes down the toilet should pay, but if he won't, then you should to ensure he can move on from this incident.
Regarding the hair, I guess you warned him not to break the hairstyle rules when going to the barbers? Just make sure he goes with a parent next time.

My son has ASD and would not wear shoes that have been in the toilet again. However I would just buy him another pair and then focus on what the school were doing to address the bullying.

The schools actions are not unfair. You allowed your son to break the rules regarding his hair, he is being punished. The shoe situation may not be his fault, it’s not the schools either, it doesn’t mean he can indefinitely wear trainers now because he doesn’t want to wear the shoes anymore. Any action regarding recouping costs should be done against the parents

Hair grows fast so unless its actually bladed off I cant see the schools issue my sons hair is long longer than some of his female friends 🤷‍♀️

The school shoes....would he wear them if you washed them? I would bitch at the school about this but I would have done it a week ago

I think you need to talk to the school about what they are doing to address the bullying of you son. And then get him some new shoes.

@Selfsettling3 @slipperywhensparticus Sorry, should have mentioned that although the incident with my son's shoes was last Wednesday, the school had inset days Friday and Monday and he's only just discovered where his shoes are today and is refusing to bring them back.

@Wolfiefan @Themazeoflife your responses were incredibly judgemental -- did you even read my original post? Sorry if it was too long. Yes, I agree he should be in isolation for ignoring warnings from school and his parents about having his hair too short, I don't have an issue with this, but he's wearing trainers because he's a) not recovered his shoes from school (in 2 days since the incident) and b) is likely to refuse to wear them again because they've been in the crapper and has sensory issues about this and worries that simply wearing them again will cause him to be bullied again.

@Choufleur thanks -- the response to the bullying has been very inconsistent. He's been punched 4-5 times in two years by 3-4 different children and one has been expelled, but I believe this might have been on the cards already and the school might have just used this to make out they were taking real action. On other occasions the reaction has resulted in very little real punishment with the result being that my son has isolated himself and avoided socialising with his peers so as to avoid other boys he's had incidents with. I've also made numerous requests that the school should publish their bullying policy on their website (they're the only school in the area that doesn't) but despite asking 4 members of staff for the past six months they've just ignored me and I've only actually been able to get a copy from another parent.

The hair thing is ridiculous and I don't know how schools can get away with dictating the length of a pupils hair. As for the shoes, yes the other parents should pay for another pair or at least you buy them and hand the receipt in.

Your son has SN's and the school are being shitty all round. Since the shoe incident happened on their watch, maybe they can buy another pair and it might make them deal with things a bit better. I hope the bully got excluded. If they haven't asked the parents to pay for another pair or aren't paying for another pair themselves, they should be allowing you at least a few weeks to get another pair sorted out

I was going to ask if your ds would accept his shoes if they were put in the delicate cycle of the washing machine as i do with muddy trainers, as I've done it with leather shoes before, but it sounds like he'd be worried about being bullied about wearing the same shoes. What nasty pieces of work those boys sound. Has the school dealt with them and is there a safe place in the school he can go to if he's bullied?

@JuliaSevern hi yes I thought of that but wasn't really worth even suggesting it to him, but he has real issues with the fact that they've been down the toilet regardless of actual faecal traces! As a toddler he wouldn't even use a toilet outside home so this is probably a morphing of that issue combined with fears of what other kids might say "hey did you get the shit out of your shoes"? School has now agreed to give us until the weekend to buy new shoes (fortunately I can afford them, even though I'm far from happy) but has said they don't fancy our chances getting other parents to contribute to the cost which is unfair but understandable -- unfortunately I can't take a 14 YO to a small claims court.

@JenniferM1989 yes, the hair thing is ridiculous, and you hear of some crazy stories, but I'm not contesting the rule. Rules is rules and I actually think it's good to get kids to learn to abide by them.