Teenager friendship problems

[ilovearcticroll]

My dd is in year nine. She had, I thought, a stable group of friends but recently she hasn't been invited to one friend's party (and wasn't told it was happening either) and now has been uninvited from another friend's sleepover with a flimsy excuse.

I am struggling with it really. Dd is kind, but a little needy at times and, whilst I am upset about the second friend's choice, I imagine it points to something dd needs a bit of help with.

Also, tales of this being a pretty usual thing to happen and that she is likely to be okay in the end would really, really help. I know teenagers can be cruel, but I'm really surprised at this girl.

I do know the mum, and unless I've judged her completely wrong, I doubt she knows the full story. If dd wanted to do this, I wouldn't allow it, unless there was an absolutely horrific thing dd had done. Not inviting dd in the first place is one thing and fine, but changing her mind like this is very tricky for me to get to grips with.

Words of wisdom would be very much appreciated

Ugh! Teenage girl friendships! No advice - just a hand hold. I have no idea why some girls are so bloody evil and some don't grow out of it if you look at my bitchy 50 yo colleague

Thanks! I just don't know whether it's dd being tricky to get on with or whether it's proper nastiness. My naive self can't believe people would deliberately be so nasty.

Yes unfortunately this is what teen girls are like.
Making plans and cancelling if they get a better offer.
I had this in last year of primary with dd1 and it really affected her for a couple of years she wouldn't go anywhere but now she just shrugs if it happens and goes out with someone else herself.
Dd2 has same group of friends for years and always go out with each other every group is different.
No point getting involved as they probably be friends again in a week.
Read some messages on her phone might throw some light on it.
We always like to believe our own are in the right but not always the case.

Well, she got through the day and managed a dignified chat with the uninviter. She gave an excuse worthy of Prince Andrew (I can't say what it was because it might identify her, but "I was in Pizza Express" has nothing on this). I think she's going to keep the peace and we're going to spoil her on the night of the party.

Teenagers can be so so bitchy and nasty. I hope your daughter soon gets over it 😩

It's a teenage girl rite of passage, unfortunately. The cruelty in our adult eyes all is incredibly normal behaviour and a time when the girls (and boys) are trying to figure out who they are and friendships get formed and dropped in seconds. Your daughter will need to learn to navigate all this - and don't be surprised if you also find out her behaviour is not what you expect. There's not a lot you can do actively - don't even think of contacting the other girl's parents as you will embarrass your daughter. (been there!) The best thing you can do is to support her when she comes to you for advice - which may be never. Just let her know you have her back and let her take the lead.

Dd1 has a close friend ship group of 5. The amount of falling out is mind blowing. And it's almost always over nothing.
I find it very stressful and her moods are almost entirely governed by whatever's is going on with the friends as well-so as parents we bear the brunt twice-one being worried for her, and two having to deal with her sometimes less than pleasant behaviour at school.
Experience has taught me to where possible not get involved...but if things are really bad a quiet message to the other Mums, if you know them, might help?

Very good advice! Dd seems to have ridden the storm quite well and has invited another friend for a sleepover that night. Turns out that girl can't come, but wanted to and that was the main thing. I expecting plenty of ups and downs over the next few years...pl tell me ds will be more straightforward before I get it all again with dd2...🤞

Sorry to be a Debbie downer but it hasn’t improved for us until sixth form. Ive just drilled it into Dd over the years that such people aren’t worth your headspace, that you find such people even as adults and so you need to learn how to recognise and navigate . Ive encouraged her to make friends outside school which has been the best solution. Not having to be part of girl dramas and to be able to be completely neutral when it comes to girl spats is liberating.It’s taken time but she is now really comfortable with herself and once many girls left after gcse she has found herself to be popular for not being in a clique ! Instill self esteem and get her to be proud of her values and integrity. I’ve tried to instill the idea she is 5 and 5 people don’t treat people that way !