AIBU to be upset about son’s break up with his girlfriend?

[Celtickitten]

My 18 year old son broke up with his 17 year old girlfriend today and I feel so upset and tearful. They were together for nearly two years and she came into his life at a time when things weren’t working for him and he was going off the rails. She gave him stability and introduced him to many new friends, and her parents welcomed him into their home with open arms. They were inseparable for about 18 months but I’d noticed that he was wanting to spend less and less time with her in recent months and had complained about her being clingy and demanding. It’s the second time he’s tried to break with her and she’s devastated. Is it normal for me to feel so upset (even my husband says he feels really sad!). I’d formed a really good bond with her and think she was good for him - and there’s a part of me that worries he’ll go back to how he was before. What do others think??

Normal given their ages.

Your post is all about how good she was for him. Lucky DS: sounds like she could do much better!

Would just express sympathy, wish her well, then no more contact.

And encourage DS not to mess her about and to be kind/respectful to and about her as an ex.

she was good for him - and there’s a part of me that worries he’ll go back to how he was before

Support him and encourage him to socialise independently and be more self-reliant.

Would he speak to a counsellor about his difficulties?

I think it's understandable that you'd be upset when you feel like she 'saved' him when he really needed it, but it's important to remember that she's a person in her own right too. I agree with a PP that a quick line to wish her well and then no further contact is the kindest thing you could do.

I sort of know how you feel. DD had a lovely bf for 2 years and he really became part of the family. He was devastated when she broke the relationship off and I felt terrible for him. It didn't help that he had no real family of his own and I felt like we'd all abandoned him - he'd lost his family as well as his gf.

Unfortunately, that's what sometimes happens. We obviously had to support DDs right to make her own decisions about who she dated - she said they'd just become like brother/sister, but she didn't want to maintain contact with him as he obviously hoped they'd get back together and it wasn't going to happen.

DS had a long term gf we were really fond of - and I really don't like his current partner very much as she is rude and makes little effort. We have to bite our tongues a lot round her as DS appears happy with the situation. Would much prefer that he'd not dumped the last one though!

You're not unreasonable at all - I was completely unprepared for how close to my DCs' boyfriends and girlfriends I'd become, and how much I'd miss them when they suddenly weren't coming round for meals all the time. Mind you, there have been a couple I've been very glad to see the back of.

I was really sad when Dd broke up with her BF of 2 years as he had become such a part of the family and they had both been so good for each other, however Dd said it felt like brother and sister towards the end. I did the same with a kind short text to him but now they seem to have reached a really good stage and are happy as very close friends and spend a lot of time hanging out together, sadly it’s never going to be a relationship again but hopefully the friendship will always be there, so maybe this could be a possibility for you to op.

Thank you so much for your feedback. My DS is loving and kind and very funny but a couple of years ago he was excluded from school for drug taking, failed all his exams and was subsequently diagnosed with ADHD. I credit his girlfriend with giving him some stability at a difficult time - I think I feel so upset because I’ve witnessed an intense first love fade on his part and I feel for her - obviously inevitable and I’m probably being over sentimental! I will message her as has been suggested, wish her well and leave it at that - thank you again

I understand as well. DD's BF dumped her after nearly 4 years. He had spent a lot of time at our house. I felt sad for DD, but relieved at the same time because in the last year he had changed from a nice, kind and considerate young man into an arrogant, selfish arsehole.

He later regretted his decision but I think DD had seen the light.