Teenage daughter having problems with another girl advice please

[Gillybubble]

Hi all
I am looking for some advice Regarding problems my daughter is having with a girl at school.
My daughter is in year 11 and about to start her mocks and so I am worried that really I need to do something.
Back in year 8 and 9 this girl caused a lot of problems not just for my daughter but other girls too. My daughter is very quiet and not at all confrontational so we have been very lucky that she walked away from any arguments where as others didn’t. This resulted in physical fights for the other girls. The girl in question left and went to another school for a year. My daughter was made aware by friends at that school that there was a lot of name calling. She ignored it. The girl then returned to the school my daughter was at. My daughter was devastated. My advise was to be pleasant but keep her at arms length. Unfortunately the girl went out of her way to break her friendship up with her best friend. My daughter is still friends with her then best friend but it has never been the same since. This was in year 10. Now in year 11 the girl has come out of an 18month relationship and has turned her attention back in my daughter. My daughter is really popular because she is kind supportive and a good listener. She has been made aware this past week that the girl is manipulating her friendships, telling lies, calling her 2 faced and is starting to impact on her friendships. It’s not just one group of friends she is targeting but all her friends. She is really upset has spoken with her friends who have initially been supportive to her. The lies however have continued and she is now starting to be ignored by some friends. To add to the problem the girl has been to year 11 and my daughter was called in to explain her side of the story. She is so upset at the unfairness of it all as she hasn’t done anything to this girl. My problem is do I step in. My daughter has always been one to say don’t worry mum I’ll sort it. I asked if she wanted me to call the school and this time she has said yes. What do I say? On the face of it it’s just girls falling out, someone stirring it up but as she has her mocks next week it’s the last thing we need to be happening. How do I go about approaching the school? Do I ask for a meeting between the 2 girls with mums involved to put a stop to it or will this make it worse? Do I speak to the school and put a complaint in about this girl highlighting past issues? I just don’t know how best to approach the issue as I don’t want the situation to worsen. The school has been very supportive in the past (my daughter suffers from anxiety) but it’s what to say to stop the problem and move on. Please help. I really need advice. Sorry such a long post. Thanks for any help.

I think I struggle to understand this b/c normally high schools are huge & kids divide into their own gangs & can avoid each other if they want.

You make it sound like this girl is close buddies with every other person in the school or at least the yr group, & attends all the same classes as your DD, completely dominating your DD's social life. And if Other Girl is that foul why are other teens putting up with it? In DD's circle that kind of mind game crap would get stamped on. Maybe some kids would take Other Girl's side but not everyone, factions would quickly form.

By yr11 the rivalry & dominance jostling has normally settled, they can't be asked any more to care so much about the people they don't like, easier to ignore.

Yes I totally agree. She has a group of friends of which this girl is targeting and causing disruption unnecessarily. There are actually pinch points in secondary schools especially amongst girls usually year 7, 8 and then again in year 11. The girl is going out of her way to cause upset. I know it’s difficult to comprehend. My daughter s not at all confrontational and believe me when I say this other girl is. She has a track record over the years and has been put in exclusion before now because of it.

Ring and ask for an urgent appointment today to see HoY. Or at least a phone call today.

Or Just you and HoY. Do not ask for a meeting with this other mum. Just get the Head of Year to see your daughters side and support your dd.

If You can't get a phone appointment today, write an email - then it will be in writing, your'll have a paper trail. Write basically what you've written on your post and ask to see him today/ or ask him to give you a call.

Bully's gonna bully.
We see this all the time in school- and it's sadly very much an older girl thing.
I would certainly let the school know. They have a duty of care to your daughter and even if a lot of the stuff is friendship based, they should still be made aware that it's (still) going on

I wouldn't get involved at any level with the other parent. That invariably turns into a "he said/she said" "my daughter would never do that" sort of thing

Good luck.

If your daughter has asked for help, you need to act.
I was bullied horrendously and when I asked my mum for help she didn't want to make a fuss and get involved and i left school at 16 because i was so unhappy.
Please just go in and fight her corner for her. Most schools now are trained to deal with this type of behaviour. It doesn't matter if you don't know what to say or how to approach the problem, your daughter needs to know that you're on her side.
Don't leave until you feel they've taken this problem seriously

didnt want to read and not reply. my dd too has been involved in friendship being distorted and am now putting it down to 1 girl joining group and convinced her bffs to exlude her and is also feeling others pulling away too although she is very upset and so am i for her we have chatted alot about if she would like me to intervene to help and she also feels strong enough and is now feeling more sorry for her old group of bffs as she thinks they will eventually be spat out and is seeing them slowly bickering between themselves and up to now is saying good luck to them which is making me proud.
as long as they are not physically hurting or social media bullying her and she feels she can cope my advice would hold back on involing school as even though it would be confidential it would get out and that could make it harder for your DD. this is a tough one i know and you know your dd better than anyone just hope it gets easier for her.
Trust your Gut and keep communication open .

good luck and look forward to seeing how it pans out it may help my thinking too

Oblomov19, TheCanterburyWhakes, mulberrybag and lf12345, thank you very much for your advice which is positive and supportive. Thank you xxx

Good morning
So just thought I would give you an update. The head of yr 11 called and I had a meeting after school yesterday. She was patient and listened carefully as she was not aware of the history. To cut a long story short they will be acting and speaking with the other girl and are aware of her. It was a huge relief we specially when the head of yr said she knew my daughter and how lovely she is, that her door was always open. She knew my DD was outside in the car (I gave her the option of coming with me, she declined) and asked if she could come outside and say hello which she did. Fingers crossed it helps resolve the problem. Once again thank you for your replies. X

I'm glad your chat went well but you do know there's no magic wand to fix these issues. It's worth pointing out to your dd that in six or seven months, people will be going in many different directions and friendships will change. Encourage her to look forward to the opportunities that are coming so she appreciates she won't be stuck with this girl forever.

So pleased you had a chat to HoY. Hopefully they will action this in a subtle but definite way!