Help to take back control

[Teesstar]

I have 4 sons 21,17,15 and 10. Currently getting divorced but have met someone new and it’s going well.
Ex refuses to financially help at all, I work full time, he thinks I have enough money to pay for everything the kids (only the 2 youngest as other two aren’t his), won’t go halves on stuff they need like shoes etc.

I have lost control at home, 21 year old isn’t too bad, he is at uni but lives at home, his bedroom is literally a health hazard and he won’t clean it!

17 year old is at college, stoned nearly everyday, brings it in the house and it stinks despite me saying to not bring it in! Bit messy, doesn’t really help at all and his day off is his day and he shouldn’t have to wash up!

15 year old is selfish, self centred, demanding, constantly winds his little brother up, materialistic, never stops asking for stuff, ungrateful, can’t be arsed to get up for school most days, attendance is below 70%. He stays up too late playing xbox or watching YouTube. He leaves his clothes, shoes, cups, plates, rubbish all over and only ever helps if he is going to get something out of me. Cooks food and wont clean away. He will hen peck me and not leave me alone, texting me at work when he wants something or begging me to take him out of school.

10 year old is emotional and moody, a little bit manipulative, has terrible personal hygiene and is again is messy! He hates being told off and cries at the drop of a hat, or gets angry. He can get really clinging and guilts me about working saying it’s not right i can’t be at school things!

I am stressed and overwhelmed and I need to take back control of this house and be a parent instead of their big sister who pays the bills taxis them about and cooks and cleans!

Any advice for how to get back on track?

I will never forget reading on Mumsnet about a parent who enforced the rule ‘anything left on the floor will go in the bin’ on cleaning day. Worked a treat apparently.
As for the drugs, I’m inclined to say phone the police, but I know that’s easier said than done when it’s family. I wouldn’t be happy with it in my house though. Not at all. Especially with two younger children around it.

How does it feel writing all that down?

I don’t think you can ‘control’ the older ones anymore like how you can the 10 yr old.
You can try to get them to abide by some rules and motivate themselves.
What do you think they’ll respond to best?
Some things like the things they want you to buy, pocket money and WiFi access could be bargaining tools. They don’t get that until chores and homework are done regularly.

They each have different issues and needs so spend time with them individually, ask them how they’re getting on and how they’d like things to be. Find out what would make them happier and where they feel they’re headed in life. See what you can work with.
Then call a family meeting and tell them about any new rules you’ve made, draw up a chore list so you can all live together more happily.
Of course, for this to work, you’ll need to get your dcs on side.
It doesn’t sound like it’s going to be easy!

You could look into family counselling too.