Lonely DD - I’m at a loss.

[scrappydappydoo]

DD is yr9 - she’s always been one to have a few friends rather than a wider circle it’s always concerned me that she’s so all or nothing about friends but now it’s really worrying me. Her current best friend has a medical condition which means she has lots of time off school. DD has just told me that she has no other friends and if bf is not in she just goes and eats lunch in the loo so she doesn’t have sit alone . She seems so isolated and I don’t know what to suggest. I’ve always gently encouraged her (def not pushed) to widen her friendship circle but I can’t force her. I make suggestions about just joining a group of girls she knows but she says that’s embarrassing and awkward. It’s like she expects people to come and find her and include her in everything but she doesn’t put the same effort back. Her self esteem and confidence are through the floor. I’m finding it really hard and emotionally draining trying to support her and I’ve run out of things to say or suggest. I’m trying hard to be supportive and listen rather than ‘fix’ but I worry where this going to end. She wants to go to uni but at this moment in time I can’t see how she’s going to survive a move to sixth form college. School don’t seem bothered and always express surprise she is having problems as she works hard and is well behaved (also part of the problem as apparently some view her as the teachers pet). On the surface she appears fine but she comes home and just dumps all her problems and anxiety on me and I’m starting to crack with all her problems on top of everything. Any advice?

Hi OP. That sounds tough in both of you. Do DD have any friends out of school? Does she get involved in any school sports or extra curricular clubs?

No but I can imagine my dd being like this one day.
Someone wiser with more experience will be along soon.
I'd maybe try the school again? Does she have any interests outside of school?

Do not crack! - she needs you to stay strong!

School can be a really crap place to be if you do not fit in - and that does not mean there is anything wrong with her; it's just the luck of the draw when it comes to friends.

Keep boosting her self-esteem at home - you can do no more.

I have had 3 DDs and this happened in varying degrees and at different times to all of them. All I could do was boost them up at home and take them out to do things they might enjoy. They all came through just fine.

It’s tough... my dh went through a phase of having no friends at school. He was fine at uni and has lots of friends now.
I feel like it might help if you’re relaxed about it. People can go through times of having less friends and it’s ok. Otherwise she could become increasingly anxious about it but it’s not necessarily a big deal. Could be that she’ll find “her people” at a later date whether sixth form college or uni.

Does she do any out of school activities? Something like Guides would be a good place to start. Or Rangers if she's old enough.

I could have written this a few years ago. Similar situation except my daughter didn’t have any friends at all so it was daily for her. I think sometimes people just don’t fit in to certain places. Once I took my daughter out of that school (in Year 9 incidentally) and into a school where the pastoral team are amazing and the teachers noticed and cared for her much more she thrives. Are you happy with the school otherwise?
I know it’s draining but the thing that seemed to help my DD the most was spending time together, so much that she didn’t have all the time to dwell on her situation. It’s hard OP but you just need to be there.
As for uni, it’s such a mix of so many personalities that she’ll find her people.

This was me at school ☹️ The best thing you can do is spend time doing fun things on the weekends if you can, so that at least she still has fun experiences. I made a few friends at uni and now i have a handful of close friends, but not many. Some of us are just this way, all I can say is that it gets better with age.

Thanks all! She knows lots of people outside of school but isn’t ‘friends’ more acquaintances. She does do lots of extra curricular stuff:
a youth club (where apparently she sits on her own listening to music because no one will talk to her (well yeah cos you’re in the corner with headphones on) - she has refused to join the team of helpers.
one non-team sport which has no-one her age (they are all much older and lovely with her but again she feels that isolation even though she loves the sport).
She is just about to leave guides and wants to go to rangers but apparently (according to her) there a some cliquey girls so not sure how that will last.
She also swims but that can be another self esteem rollercoaster.
I don’t force her to do anything but it’s just the social aspect - she has so many opportunities but just seems to isolate herself and then complain she’s lonely (I never say this to her btw).

It’s reassuring to hear similar stories. Changing school not an option - can’t afford private and next nearest schools are 10 miles away and oversubscribed plus it would be tricky with younger dc. It is very good school but I think DD and her issues are way down the list of priority pupils.

I make suggestions about just joining a group of girls she knows but she says that’s embarrassing and awkward

It's hard to know - your dd may be right that it isn't the 'done thing' amongst her cohort to approach a group like that at lunch, and she is sensibly protecting herself by not going to sit with them uninvited. Out of school activities are good - are there also any in-school clubs/activities at lunchtime that she could do, so that she has something to do when best friend is away? (and might make more friends there!) Or maybe go to the library?

Of course that doesn't solve the problem of who to eat lunch with, and yes, that does sound very difficult. But maybe in a club/activity at school dd would gradually make some more friends? Could school suggest any activities that might help?

6th form college may be different as it's a new start, and sometimes it's less exposed socially - so big and flexible that 'lunchtime' is less of an issue. As a pp has said, school doesn't suit everyone socially and friends can be a question of luck, so I wouldn't worry too much about how she'll cope with college and university - that may work itself out.

How about a Life Coach/ Mentor type person? Might be helpful for her to have someone outside the family encouraging her. Does she have any interests/ sports outside school - any friendships to encourage there?

This lady is near me, but may be able to help over the phone/ www.free2be.org.uk/about-lisa/

DD was similar in years 8-9. She only had 2 proper friends and was in a bit of a toxic ‘group’ at school. Neither of us was happy.
Now in Year 13 she’s got a much wider group of friends - she stayed on for 6th form which I was worried about but has made virtually all new friends, met more local friends doing ncs after GCSEs and it’s gone on from there.
She’ll never be the most sociable, but not everyone can be that person, nor wants to be.

If Rangers doesn't go well, maybe she could try Explorer Scouts.
I'm a Guider, but my DD preferred Explorers to Rangers. There are boys in Explorers (obvs), and boys tend to be less judgemental and cliquey than girls, so your DD might prefer that.

Does her friend have any other friends in school? DD's in year 10 and has loads of friends, but she doesn't know how or why she's friends with them - she just kind of tagged along with her friends from primary at the start of year 7 and ended up with a decent sized friend group. It's definitely a short term solution, especially if she's unlikely to go to 6th form with people from her school (mine is), but that's a problem for later.

You could have been writing about my DD, but in 5he last yea4 he has found his people. He was a child that in years 7-9 never went out with anyone from school, but now has some friends (from Police cadets) who he actively goes out with.

I always made myself available as a taxi, gently encouraged, but never pushed.