Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

DS shouting over his brother

20 replies

Whaaa · 23/11/2019 20:17

Im having an issue with one aspect of my teen DS’ behaviour. Generally he is no problem, good with his brother, good in school etc but this one thing bothers me and it happened again tonight.

Younger DS has SEN and can react emotionally to things. Like if he didn’t realise someone was coming up behind him and it scared him when they appeared he would scream in fright and then cry and shout accusing them of doing it on purpose when they hadn’t at all. It’s something we’re working on and he’s getting a lot better with It. He also reacts like this if his brother takes something he was planning on using or switches the TV over while he was watching it. Usual annoying sibling stuff I think?

However when DS reacts like this his older brother has started doing this horrible prolonged and loud “WAAAAAHHHHH!” To drown out younger DS’s wailing. DS2’s wailing is literally something like “ahh! Heyyy! You scared me/I was watching that!” not hours of wailing. but he’s emotional with it. And in that instant DS1 Jumps in with the “WAAAAHHH!” He only does it when DS2s wailing is directed at him, not me. So it’s not that he can’t Cope with the sound- it’s just to shut DS2 up because he’s having a go at him. DS2 hates it and it makes him even more emotional, hands over ears, frantically crying as if he’s about to be killed! DS1 has only started doing this since his voice broke and he now has this big deep loud voice so his “WAAAHH!” Is very loud and successfully drowns out any talking so I find I’m having to shout really loud to get them both to stop. It becomes a case of the 3 of us yelling really loud at each other until they stop and it’s horrible. I’m not a shouty parent. Tbh I find DS1s yelling quite disgusting because it’s just using his new found manly quality to shout the smaller person into submission and the effect on DS2 is horrible. I did make him apologise to DS2 this evening when he did it and told him he’s not to do it again but I want to be able to articulate exactly why it’s so horrible. And also rather than me shouting too, how can I deal with it if it happens again?

OP posts:

Original poster

Whaaa · 23/11/2019 20:18

While typing this I’ve also realised he raises his voice when I’m telling him off too and has ended up with me talking louder and then the both of us shouting. I really don’t like the idea he thinks he can just shout down anything he doesn’t want to hear.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/11/2019 20:26

Outside an incident I would tell him it's utterly unacceptable. During an incidence I would probably walk away and deal with him later.

MonteStory · 23/11/2019 20:29

I think you need to address this away from the situation itself. As you say yourself, you can’t deal with it at the time cos it’s just too loud. Plus nobody is calm or reasonable.

Whilst your elder son is in the wrong, I can see why he finds his younger brother so frustrating and therefore his response is to shout. When you didn’t do something on purpose, to be treated like you did is not very nice. Not blaming your DS2 but as someone who grew up with a brother with ASD, you can feel a bit on edge (as I’m sure you know as the mum!)

His feelings should be recognised and supported whilst also helping him deal with it more appropriately. Have a sit down chat about how he feels when his brother reacts, explain a bit about emotion regulation and why DS can’t help his reaction. Suggest other ways of dealing with it and explain why this behaviour cannot be allowed to continue.

The shouting over you is I think fairly normal teenage boy who’s discovering his strength. I would do the opposite of shouting back and simply say very quietly ‘I will not continue to talk to you if you raise your voice’. If he continues, walk away. EVERY time.

Original poster

Whaaa · 23/11/2019 20:33

During an incidence I would probably walk away and deal with him later.

Yes and I think take DS2 away with me.

Yes absolutely. And DS1 has been very good over the years, he tolerates a lot in terms of DS2s behaviour and is generally very patient so I can see how he may just snap at yet another meltdown.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whaaa · 23/11/2019 20:34

I would do the opposite of shouting back and simply say very quietly ‘I will not continue to talk to you if you raise your voice’. If he continues, walk away. EVERY time.

The worry here is that that’s what he wants- me to stop talking because I’m saying something he doesn’t want to hear.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/11/2019 20:36

The louder her gets the quieter you speak. Next time he interacts with you the conversation resumes

Original poster

Whaaa · 23/11/2019 20:40

Oh I like that! I would have to write a note on my hand though or I’d forget to restart the conversation!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/11/2019 20:59

You could always text or WhatsApp him...

Original poster

Whaaa · 23/11/2019 21:05

well at least then I’d know he’d seen it!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/11/2019 21:07

Teens don't you just luuuuurve them.

He will need/want food eventually

Original poster

Whaaa · 23/11/2019 21:09

Typically, this happened just after dinner!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/11/2019 21:11

He will surface by noon tomorrow, especially if you turn the internet off at 10pm tonight.

Original poster

Whaaa · 23/11/2019 21:13

He will because he’s got chores to do! he is a good boy normally. I know I’m lucky. He could be a lot worse. Just this small niggle. Currently...

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/11/2019 21:22

I wonder if he doesn't feel heard...

Have you read "how to listen so kids will talk and talk so kids will listen"?

Original poster

Whaaa · 23/11/2019 21:25

I think he just doesn’t like feeling got at like if I’m telling him off or DS is wailing at him and wants to stop it. We generally do have a good relationship and get on quite well, lots of one:one chats and time together. He naturally gravitates towards his bedroom like most teens but when he’s out it’s mostly pleasant.

Haven’t read that but I’ve seen it recommended before so will stick it in my amazon basket now. Thanks random.

OP posts:

multiplemum3 · 23/11/2019 21:39

Oh I feel quite sorry for him lol. Whilst it's not ideal I'm another one who grew up with an autistic sibling, I used to do things like that because for once I had a bit of control over a situation I hadn't caused but was still getting negative attention for. I know it's not great but teenagers minds lol. He sounds like a good kid.

RandomMess · 23/11/2019 21:51

I'm pretty sure there is a teen version of it but I think the original is really good.

Original poster

Whaaa · 23/11/2019 22:05

He came down for a drink so I nabbed him for a chat. Basically said what I have above, that I know DS2 is frustrating but that his behaviour isn’t deliberate- it’s a gut reaction and pointed out how much better he is now than he was a few years ago because we all work together with him on managing his feelings. Pointed out that the “whaaa” didn’t actually have the desired effect (to shut DS2 up) but made it worse and got us all annoyed with each other. Told him in future if DS2 starts wailing just to walk away from him and say nothing. Also said he’s not to shout over me either when I’m talking and that it was a kind of bullying act to try and shut someone up like that just because you can shout louder. He agreed with it all and said sorry and agreed not to do it anymore.

multiplemum I totally get what you’re saying. And he is mostly a good lad.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 23/11/2019 22:12

I think think having a word we a good idea. I would have added that. DS2 has SEN, and while he may find some things easier than DS1, he finds other harder and it's just not fair on him to yell like that.

MonteStory · 24/11/2019 07:24

Sounds like you’ve done a great job there op. Well done.

Flip