15yr old chatting to someone on tumblr

[Paddlinglikehell]

I'm not sure how to react to this, so would welcome any thoughts.

My dd is 15 and this year has had some pretty awful bullying to put up with, which has left her a bit vulnerable and not many friends. Some of these involved messages, so she knows that I will occasionally check her phone - it stays downstairs at night.

Someone recently was friended in Instagram, who I don't know and messages have been shared, this person refers to themselves as Mummy/Daddy Duck. My daughter has now changed her profile on instagram to including 'duckling', I only saw this today, so haven't had chance to ask about it, but I did ask about this person and she said it was someone she had met through her dance group - this isn't true.

I have now found she is messaging this person privately on tumblr. It appears to be a 20 yr old or so female, and my daughter is opening up about all the stuff that has gone on and this person is empathising etc., and has said things like 'your mum doesn't sound very understanding' and 'maybe you need to have a bit more independence'. They are being extremely concerned and even asking what she has eaten today (my daughter has lied saying nothing except an apple when she had in fact had a cooked meal) and generally talking about how she took drugs, it was a mistake etc. There is nothing really bad about what they are saying, but I am concerned that my daughter is being manipulated and saying stuff to a complete stranger - says I, as I do the same on Mumsnet!

I have spoken very recently about grooming and no one is who they say they are etc. and not to give out details etc., I even said yesterday about an article in the paper, where someone was pretending to be a teen and it was a 50 year old man, but she just thinks it wouldn't happen to her and she is brighter than that!

My daughter is vulnerable at the moment, she's gone through a lot, she has no close friends at school. However, if I stop it, I'm afraid she will just go behind my back.

WWYD? would you just leave it, would you call her out about it? - then she knows I check her phone more than she thinks - she has hidden the app in another, but forgot it shows on her recents.

Or should I even contact the person directly, which I can do, as I know their username on tumblr?

Any thoughts would be helpful. Thanks

Not immediatly sure what I'd do, but the situation is ringing alarm bells with me, in particular this stranger trying to turn DD against you while at the same time suggesting she needs to be more independent (sub-text: don't tell your Mum about this conversation). It also strikes me as very odd behaviour for a 20-year-old woman to start messaging a teenage girl out of the blue. (Obviously, we don't know that it is a young woman, but even if it is, it's odd behaviour.) Are you able to come up with any kind of "cover story" which would enable you to let your DD know that you know she's messaging this person without giving away your route to checking her messages? Are you able to call her out on the story that she met this person through her dance group without giving away the route to checking the phone? I think when calling your DD out on any lies she may have told, you need to stress that you are not cross with her, but that you are concerned that there is something going on her life that she feels the need to lie about.

The police should be interested in this person. It sounds like the beginning of something bad.

Is there someone at your DDs school that could help or advise? The Deputy responsible for Safeguarding at my DDs school would be my first port of call, as they are just brilliant at handling situations like this.

Sounds like potential grooming

Thanks, I’m glad it’s not just me feeling it’s a bit odd.

We had a chat about this ‘duckie’ on insta. And why she used the term ‘duckling’, she gave an excuse it was to do with a chat group. I also said I knew she lied about where she met the person.

I went on to say about how people pretend to be friends etc etc. How she was vulnerable and maybe feeling down at the moment and I wanted her to be honest, had she got into a situation chatting with someone? She said no 🙁

Later she deleted her tumblr she n her phone, but has forgotten she logged in on mine once, so I can access it.

Last night she was messaging late until gone 12, her phone was downstairs, but she’s got her old iPad and downloaded tumblr on that!

We’ve had so much dealings with school about the bullying and her mental health, I am loathe to introduce another element.

This is a really tricky one and needs to handled well as you don't want her to close up even more and if she knows you've been looking at her phone you may well lose her trust. I don't have the answers OP but maybe school safeguarding can advise.

keep monitoring in the background though

Sounds like grooming and cult-like behaviour. Get her the fuck away from Tumblr, it's a toxic place for teenagers. How to do it successfully I don't know, but I wish you luck.

Thanks, I’m feeling a bit happier now, although still slightly bothered by it.

I’ve done a bit of detective work and it really is scary how much you can find out from social media and clues in photos!

The person is a 20 yr old female and lives with her dad abroad. He runs a bar - I know the name and location of that. She made out it was her bar, which is why I was so concerned.

I know her full real name and her Mum lives in Cheshire, parents separated. From what she posts of Twitter, she is very immature and a bit ‘out there’ and identifies as bi-sexual.

DD is still posting, not quite so much and what is interesting is dad is writing a script for a competition and is using some of the content of the messages in that.

It may be wrong and it doesn’t feel right, but I’m just going to continue checking her posts, but not saying anything about it. If something comes up that concerns me I will have to do something, but no idea what!

That should read ‘dd’. Is writing a script!

OP please, please speak to school and the police. This is not normal. She may be a 20 year old living abroad and you can find out all kinds of things from some detective work...but you can also be lulled into a completely false sense of security. This 20 year old's Dad wants to use the messages in something he is writing? Really I don't know any of my friends who at 20 would have shown their Dad what they were writing!! It sounds an excellent excuse to start having "edgier" conversations under the guise of it improving this "writing." I appreciate your DD has gone through a lot already, but this is precisely why it is so worrying x

No you got it wrong, my fault for typing on my phone.

My dd is writing a script and is using some of the content!

I know what you mean though, it’s still odd and I am being very wary. I am following their messaging, without dd knowing, it’s become pretty innocuous, not so much posting by dd either, which is good, maybe she did listen. I’m going to give it a few days and have a think about it. I don’t want to challenge he her just yet.

Things changed last night. I had as usual taken her phone and laptop out her room. I became aware she was on the internet and went in at 12.30 to find her on her iPad messaging.

I took it downstairs and whilst she told me deleted tumblr from everything she hadn’t.

I went through the messages to see she’s only posted photos - all pretty normal - but of her in school uniform, given her birthday and her email out, all to a complete stranger. Any photos of this person have ‘disjointed faces’ like you do on the insta apps.

This morning, we had a big chat about grooming and not knowing who it is, but I just don’t think she gets it. I showed her some clips from the Breck Brednar murder too, but she’s convinced this person is okay.

Last night she had asked this girl to send a video of where she worked in the bar and even gave an email address ‘because mum does t know I have this one’ and an instagram account I didn’t know about!

The girl chose to send her a message on the Instagram to say the video wouldn’t download.

I messaged back to say who I was and my concern for someone to be messaging my dd, someone I didn’t know. I later got a polite message to apologise and say she didn’t realise she had ‘crossed a line’ my daughter appeared to need someone to talk to, but she wouldn’t message again.

I have given dd some alternative ‘safe sites to go and chat, which are monitored and talked about counselling for the issues that have arisen from the bullying she’s had, which as before she says she doesn’t want

So now she is upset, I get that. She says now she hasn’t got anyone to talk to and listen about the bullying going on at school and she had a large blog following on tumblr which she will now lose (she writes fanfiction)).

I think she more upset from losing what she thought was a friend.

We don’t know who this person is, she may quite well be who she says, if so, we’ve been lucky.

But, why do I feel I’ve done the wrong thing?

I would do exactly as you have done, OP

You’re doing the right thing. And your daughter, whilst needing your support, also needs some consequences for lying to you and setting up different Instagram and emails to get round your sensible supervision. I’d start with no iPhone iPad laptop after eg 9pn and nothing in her room. If she wants to message and use SM she can do it in your living room or kitchen, and you can look over her shoulder at any moment and ask what she’s doing. She has shown you how immature she is and will need to earn back your trust.

Also is there any counselling available to you or at school. And what’s being done about the bullying?

Sorry I see she’s rejected counselling. Can you push that - she says she has no one to talk to, well a counsellor would be ideal as it gives her loads of 1-2-1 space to talk! Perhaps that’s what you hang her access to the internet on - she tries, properly tries, counselling and you will start to ease up on internet restrictions.

@HelloYouTwo that's a really good idea, at the moment she has her phone to take to school, but not her computer and she won't have either when she comes home, unless she is with me in the kitchen.

School are dealing with the bullying. At the beginning of this year a girl started bullying a number of children, eventually she was expelled and as such lost her foster placement and been moved from the area, it was all very sad for her, but her behaviour was shocking, frightening to be honest and two of the girls actually left school because of it. As this child was a 'cared for' child, it took a long process to remove her.
My dd was targeted after they went, but the motions were already in place to remove her.

Sadly at the time, my dd's 'friends' had abandoned her, as this girl had infiltrated her friendship group and I think too they were a bit scared to be friends with her. My dd became withdrawn and depressed.

We were hoping it would be better in September, but bullies friend, who used to be lovely until she got involved with this girl, has now taken it on herself to blame my daughter for her having to leave and move away and my dd's friends are still very 'off' with her, they no longer invite her anywhere and of course are always posting photos on instagram etc., of them having meals out, birthdays etc., all of which my dd would have been part of just 6/7 months ago, they've just taken sides really and not hers. Hence she has no one to talk to and probably what prompted this chat on line

Last week, the bullies friend shoved her into a wall, which she has received a detention for, but this hasn't helped with building the friendships she used to have, so she is very isolated.

I haven't told school about the online thing, my dd has begged me not to. I don't want to go behind her back, as it is important she trusts me at the moment and I can't risk her not doing so.

It's all just such a mess, certainly with the stuff at school which has been ongoing and now this on top.

Your poor DD. I can understand why she was reaching out trying to make friends online- but what she was doing wasn’t safe and what that “20yr old woman” was doing was not good. You are your DD’s safe haven and ally and she needs to trust you not faceless randoms on the internet.

Is she Yr 10, or 11? Can she move schools after GCSEs? I’d keep talking to school, they should understand how isolated she is. Do you have family nearby that you can spend time with at weekends, or family friends? Any way of helping her to create a new network away from the toxic stuff at school?

She’s Yr10 and school know what’s going on, they just can’t seem to sort it. I was hoping we could get through GCSEs but I think we may need to move her.

She came home tonight and had a bit of a melt down, it was like she was manic and really scared me, at one point I thought I’d have to call the gp

What is evident is her self esteem is so low, everything about herself she hates and says how stupid she is, both academically and in her actions.

She calmed down and I laid on the bed with her until she fell asleep. I’ve told her she doesn’t ever have to go back into the school again, certainly not tomorrow and we’ll look for another. I had an appointment for Weds to see one anyway.

I’m not sure if she realises the implication of this, she’s been there since Yr2, so it’s a big part of her life, she loves the teachers, just not the girls, who I have to say seem particularly nasty and spiteful. She does lots of stuff outside school, with a real mix of kids, no problems with them either. I just think it’s the all girl school thing that if you don’t fit in you’re odd and she doesn’t care about fitting in, which doesn’t help her either.

I don’t think they can honestly sort this out, these two bullies have done too much damage. Ironically she left her alone today!

Her school leaderships team should be ashamed of themselves. I don’t think you’re wrong to take her out, it sounds like there’s nowhere to go for her and protecting what’s left of her self esteem and building her back up is your focus rightly. But my god that school should be aware that allowing 2 people to wreck someone’s self worth like this is beyond in acceptable and that they have failed.