Hi, I really need some practical advice on how to move forward with what is happening with my son.
Sorry - it is quite a long story.
Ds has always been loving, eager to please and hard-working. We have always had a fantastic relationship until now.
He goes to a very rough single sex school where there are a lot of drugs and violence - there is nowhere else available, and even at the better schools, there is still a massive drug problem.
About a year ago, ds got a new bike and really got into the 'wheelie' culture - this worried me because a lot of the kids who do this locally are involved in anti social behaviour and drugs. However, he was out with friends of his that I know and I am also in contact with their parents, so I let him out, but with some reservations. In the summer holidays he would often be out all day with his friends - with a curfew of 6. I now realise letting him out for hours and hours was a big mistake.
In the spring I found out he had bought some cigarettes from a local kid. He was mortified and apologised. He was grounded etc and then we moved on.
In the summer, on the first day of our holiday, he came to me, in tears and admitted that he had bought a spliff from one of the kids he knew at school. He said he hadn't smoked it and seemed genuinely guilt-ridden. We had a very difficult week or two where he apologised constantly and tried to make amends. We moved on again and he seemed to be staying away from trouble.
Last week, I checked his phone and found searches on 'how to sober up quickly from weed'. I asked him what was going on and he admitted to picking up an old spliff butt in the park and trying to smoke it. He swore blind he hadn't done anything else.
I looked at his phone in more depth and found an amazon app with searches for weed related kit such as weed grinders (I'd never heard of these). I couldn't log in and when I asked him he swore he didn't have an account and was 'just looking'.
He then admitted to having bought a spliff - arranged through Snapchat in September. He swore
blind he hadn't smoked it.
The next day, when he had gone to school I searched his room and found receipts for Amazon gift cards. I put his email address into the amazon app and managed to retrieve his password. He had ordered a weed grinder, a pipe and vaping kit. It had been delivered to his friend's houses. Some of them had been returned because they had to be signed for by an adult. He had also set up Amazon lockers at two different locations locally.
When I confronted him again, he got really, really angry and shouted and threatened to leave the house. He wasn't apologetic this time.
We are now at a stage where he goes from being really apologetic to being angry and defensive. He has been grounded for two weeks and had his phone taken off him. He has accused me of overreacting and 'not letting it go'.
My problem now is how to trust him again. How do we move forward and give him any freedom when he has lied and lied to us? I am aware that if we restrict him too much, it will make him rebel further.
Specifically, what freedoms should he have now? How much phone/social media access? Going out on his bike etc? Pocket money? I feel like we need some clear boundaries now.
Has anyone had similar experiences? I would be so grateful for some advice.