Daughter hates me now dads back in her life

[LucyDev18]

I have a 19 yo dd who i had when i was very young, her dad left us when she was 3, he never bothered with her until this yr, he would only look to see her if i looked for money off him, then he would come see her once and not bother after that again. For a long time she didn't see him or his family, 4 yrs ago i left a very bad relationship and i was talking with her grandparents after it, i started to talk more with them, and she did too, but wven when she was in their house and he came in he would ignore her, her aunty has fallen out with the whole family for trying to defend DD and get her dad to talk to her. Any way in the past few months since him and his wife had their 4th baby (first girl) he suddenly started talking with her again
Recently she has been going to visit him a lot and the past 2 weeks she has stayed every night in her nannies and visited him everyday, and since then she has stopped talking to me, i went to their house today to try talk with her, she tols me how bad i was and how everything i ever did was wrong, i know i haven't always been the best mum but i always did what i thought was best for her. I really don't know what to do know. She is suddenly bringing up things from the past that i thought we had talked about and delat with to the best of our abilities, i know that there were bad times but why is she only bringing this up now since she is seeing him again, i would do anything for her and now she wants nothing to do with me, if she comes in the house she just grabs what she wants and leaves again doesnt say hello or goodbye or anything. She tild me today i dont spend time with her, just us, but i cant as she is never here and if she is the boyfriend is with her. If i ask her to go any where she says no. She told my dh ages ago that i was too much and she wanted me to back off and stop babying her that she was grown up so I did know shes saying i dont care and i dont spend time with her, i just can't seem to win.

What are the things that she is bringing up that you thought you had already dealt with in the past?

@ tacolover she keeps telling me about what happened and how its all my fault but if i didn't know as he was doing this while i was in work or away when he decided she wasnt behaving the way he thought she should. If she had told me i could have done something. She also blames me and my ex for her dad not visiting her but he stopped bothering with her a few weeks after we spilt and didnt bother since unless it was to try annoy me if i asked for money then he wouldnt stick to it, the last time he took me to court to see her the judge knew the past said as it had been over 3 years since he saw her, he could see her for 2 hrs every sunday for 6 weeks and see how it went, he arrived for her once and then no more, the jusge brought it back after 6 weeks i turned up he didnt the judge stuck it out and said he wasbt getting anymore chances that was 2010 and he hasnt even said hello to her since even standing next to her in her grandads kitchen. I know pain and upsry cant be dealt with and got rid or it needs to be worked out in her own way over time, i just think its odd how all this time on out of the bilue she goes to her nannies to originally stay for 3 nights and now doesnt want anything to do with me, i thought she would talk with me if she was upset she has done til now since i left him. I just dont understand wht this suddenly ans why she is throwing this at me after all this time when nothing has happened we didnt have a foght or disagreement last time she was here i had collected her from college she came in started making food was talking and laughing with me and dh and everything was good few days later, im the worst ever.

No of course Im not not blaming the child but the child needs to learn parents arnt psychic if you dont speak up how is anyone supposed to know and she is old enough to know this

That’s still blaming a vulnerable child for not being assertive and speaking out. Does your daughter never blame you for events in her childhood? Never told you it was your job to keep her safe?
OP’s daughter isn’t at that stage yet.

She blames her mom for not knowing something she didnt tell her about my 19 year old kept a bigger secret and didnt blame me she told the school in the end and told them it never happened around me and I didnt know she knows it's not my fault I blame myself for not knowing but people can be tricky and sometimes you just dont notice