how to deal with teens experimenting with drugs?

[username198372]

Please help, desperate and worried mum here. For the past few months me and DH are battling with DS's (15) new "hobby" - getting stoned..smoking weed and skunk! He thinks he is so cool, and most of his friends too! It drives me completely mad and makes me monstrous angry.

I have zero tolerance to drugs, never tried them, don't like them and had a bad case in my family so I have seen very closely how ones life are being destroyed. Seeing DS coming home stoned its hard enough, but when he brings the stuff home I completely lose it. He is pretty stupid to think he can get away with it, or hide it, you can smell the shit from miles away!

We talked to him about the whole thing endlessly, the risks.. in particular because he is also ADHD and takes medication to balance brain activity We get angry..he gets occasionally grounded if we is caught.. phone taken away.. no more pocket money..shredded his bank card and even exposed him and some of his friends by talking to their parents openly and honestly about what the kids are doing which was much appreciated.

I know I sound completely hysterical but I really don't have the patience for this behaviour, we are both hard working professionals with busy lives, we do a lot for and with our kids so no space in my head and soul for letting DS burn his school years on being stoned. We pay a lot of money for his education, which we don't really have, but due to SEN we just had too.

NOTHING works and what is really upsetting is how bold he is in smoking in the house sometimes when he knows perfectly well he will get caught! We even wonder if this is now border addiction but how do we know for sure? It is certainly not a daily thing, I'll say once every two weeks, and mainly on weekends as we really insist on him coming home straight from school. He suppose to be doing his homework but zero motivation.

The thought of him possibly rubbing shoulders with dealers on the street, it is just too much for me with all the knife crime and stories about synthetic drugs mixed with weed which linked to psychotics.
Worse of all, god knows where the money comes from?? We did catch him stealing money from the house in the past although that seems to have stopped, as not found new evidence..so what is going on??

DH is slightly more understanding as he grow up in London and was smoking himself at a similar age, but obviously worried and frustrated too. We also have a younger DC and the last thing I need is them becoming part of this stress.

I suspect one of his friends as being the source (or at least one of them) and so I decided to speak to his mum but she came across as a bit weak and in complete denial.

I am really concerned DS may be under pressure, he would not say a word of where he gets it from!!

Did anyone have a similar experience, going through it or can offer good advice? How do we know he is safe? How do we watch for signs of addiction? What can I do to really scare him?

sorry, it is so late and I am tired and realised my story is jumping all over the place but thank you for reading and leaving a comment.

Anybody??

Oh gosh I feel for you. No magic advice I'm afraid but I hear this all around me as a parent and teacher of teens. The ADHD makes it very tricky because ADHD kids and risky behaviour just are like moths and flames, aren't they? Have you talked to the school? Hopefully your DS and friends are not daft enough to be bringing anything onto school premises but it's worth letting them know your concerns so they can monitor, especially if you suspect one of his friends as being the source. They can maybe ramp up the targeted PSHE a bit. I think if it were my DS I would also be grounding but I realise you can't do that indefinitely if you want to have any sort of relationship and openness. I'd be tempted to engineer a reasonably long car journey that you and your DS have to do, as it's easier to talk when trapped in a car without distractions and not having the intensity of facing each other. Tell him you're not angry, but you are worried and this is because of how much you love him and how his ADHD makes him vulnerable. Tell him about young men who do so much weed they end up with severe mental health issues - schizophrenia etc - it is documented. If the school is big enough maybe they can keep your DS and this 'friend' apart to an extent? Finally, is there something DS loves to do that you could help him do more of? Mine has a hobby that takes up a lot of his free time. I know many of his friends and peers are doing weed at weekends and even in the week but so far (I think) mine has avoided it by just being too busy with his hobby and also he gets his buzz from doing that. I hope I don't sound smug - I mean to be the opposite - there but for fortune. Your DS isn't a bad boy, but maybe needs a bit more help to find his way.

I don’t have an enormous amount of advice either; but just to let you know you’re not alone. My DS is 15,he also has ADHD has smoked weed a lot, I absolutely hate it. His father was alcoholic (although now sober), it absolutely triggers me to see my DS being out of it. I think it’s very common for adhd boys to go for weed, it calms them. My DS has stopped taking his medication so is quite on edge. I can’t really ground him or forbid him so I just try and ensure he is educated enough to make the right decisions. I did contact Frank; they haven’t been a lot of help to be honest- he is evidently not as bad as some. He does no work at school and is very disengaged- quite a challenge! But I know that when I forbid things he just goes behind my back so am trying to keep the lines of communication open. It is improving our relationship but the weed smoking continues .

Sorry to hear this OP. My sister also had ADHD and smoked weed. Unfortunately it was the start of a slippery slope, and had she seen where she would end up she never would have touched it. I'm not saying this will happen of course, but I understand why you are worried. It's really hard as there's not much you can do in the way of physically stopping him, perhaps phoning Frank for advice as a PP has mentioned might be of some support.

Many thanks everyone! Never heard of Frank..will check.
Biscuit, how do you think best to speak to school without exposing my son specifically? seems impossible. I can't risk him being kicked out of school and they will do that if they knew, I think. I can maybe say I know some kids are smoking but it's pretty obvious, no?
We talk a lot, we mention the risks, especially to him, we talked about how it cause dipression, schizophrenia, other episodes.. my husband even drove him to a mental hospital near by one evening in a moment of frustration! Not that you can see in or anyone so not sure it had a lot of impact, but DS was quite shocked that he did!
I agree you can't lock him, isolated him etc. I hope with a lot of talking will get some breakthrough. He is an intelligent child.
Hobby is a fantastic idea! He does play football twice a week and very musical. He sit for hours producing music. But not professionaly (yet! though what he does sounds bloody good..)
I will look around if there are any other things he can do, problem with ADHD kids they find it hard sometime to commit and be consistent.. I'll pray for the best.
..more advice welcome. Thanks again.

OP - Good luck with it! Do call Frank if you can - from personal experience when I was at wit's end they gave me very solid advice, and really the only one that worked. The one thing I would really underscore - make sure you and DH are always on the same page when it comes to disciplining or talking about it with DS. Schools have different policies - I've heard kids getting kicked out for weed, I've heard of others being given a chance to get "clean" and then be monitored through drug testing. Also note, this can be a slippery slope to other worse things. It's scary how quickly it can all escalate and how readily available some really dangerous stuff is for cheaper than chips. Literally. Also remind your DH that he may have grown up in London, but he's not a kid in 2019 where social media means the drugs are in your face and available 24/7 should you want to score some! My youngest in Y8 told me a girl has just been expelled for getting caught snorting coke in the back of the classroom. Another girl got caught with X. My older dd told me that a girl passed out drunk in the lunchroom and no teacher noticed. This is not a sinkhole school either, just London I'm told.

Hi OP i think trying to be more relaxed about it could help and also trying to understand what he enjoys about weed in case there's stuff you can help with. Most teenagers where we live get into weed at a time so to me the interesting question was not 'how can i prevent it?' but 'how can i make it more likely my dd will be one of those who come through it completely fine?' And this happy ending really is the reality for the huge majority - even when it comes to scarier, class A drugs. There are loads of factors that contribute to people staying on the safe side of the line with drugs and a huge one is having a lovely supportive family. Parents being scared out of their wits snd coming out with dire scenarios of doom probably feels like the opposite of supportive,. Your ds will be smoking for a whole bunch of reasons which you can hopefully find out about - many of these msy be will things that pass - like being 15! One thing that does occur to me is does he smoke on days when he's taken adhd medicatIon ? My dd was doing this and also drinking wine because the adhd medicatIon created horrendous physical anxiety symptoms...weed and booze obviously eased these. She recently decided not to take her medication any more and says that weed bores her stupid now. Alcohol on the other hand seems to boost her concentration so this is the one we now have to watch unfortunately

Hope this helps OP, both mine were much druggier than your ds and seem fine now.

Thanks Lauren, it helps to read your perspective. Probably right about relaxing a bit, and probably right also about things are more likely to turn out ok. Ds says the weed relaxes him. I can totally see this for the ADHD mind which is constantly racing. I can appriciate it's a relief, but at the same time worry about the other mental health risks. He does take his meds almost daily, and yes, smoke on top. He does'nt mind taking it too much but just a bit forgetful obviously.. I actually think he needs a higher dose now as seem not to work in the pm, and lots of homework to get on with (his on the lowest dose).

I got in touch with FRANK as other suggested. It was good to talk to them. Bottom line we need to keep talking to him and keep chipping at it. They also recommend to keep with the consequences, but be consistent, as it cause the inconvenience which might make smoking more trouble than it's worth, so may help stopping.

Still finds it hard overall as its so far away of anything I ever imagined I'll have to deal with, and taking much mental space.

Sounds like good advice from FRANK. I wouldn't agree with relaxing about it ever. Taking drugs should never be condoned or enabled.

There was a parent on here a few weeks back whose ds had been permanently excluded from school in their gcse year, and was struggling to find another that would accept him, after he was caught in possession of a small but of weed in school.

Brokewing, pls can you share a link to the thread or the title so I can look for it? Was that a similar case?
Thanks