Is it normal for teens to check out of family life?

[HelloYouTwo]

DS1 is just 15 and other than eating dinner with us and bringing down his washing, we hardly see or hear from him. He spends all evening in his room. He does his homework and plays on PS4 or chats to friends. He literally doesn’t leave his room not even to say goodnight or get a snack. We don’t live near school so he doesn’t go out much other than the odd meet up in town or party. He’s doing well at school and has friends.

He chats a bit if he’s in the mood at mealtimes but is often quite silent. He ignores his younger brother (12).

Is this normal? It’s not difficult living with him like I know it is for some parents of teens but it does feel a bit like having a lodger in the house. He is not interested in discussing this or anything else!

Sounds on the extreme end of normal. Can you speak to him about your expectations and see if you can compromise?

I've had three teenage boys. They can be difficult but your son's behaviour does sound extreme. Mine had their moments but all three of them were part of our family and did interact with his brothers and us. I would try and encourage him away from so much time isolated with technology. Do you go out as a family?

I agree with the others. I've had three teenage boys & yours sounds at the extreme end of normal in terms of family sociability. As long as he continues to do well at school & has friends, and is emerging to have dinner with you I wouldn't worry too much.

It does sound a bit extreme. Mine (also 15) spends quite a bit of time in his room but does come out at regular intervals and engage with us, chatting, watching a bit of TV, cooking, eating, he also does a lot of sport some of which we have to drive him to so lots of chat in the car. We still go out as a family or him with one of us at weekends.

Thanks for your views. He does chat a bit in the car and will probably join us on 1 in 3 family outings, but he isn’t interested in what we are doing unless it is based around sports. He’ll occasionally go and chuck a ball around with his dad or come on a hike but the weather’s been against us on that recently. Conversation is rarely deeper than chat about homework or things he’s seen on YouTube or general plans.

My boy was like this at 15. It got to crisis point before we all acknowledged he was struggling badly with his mental health and finding his place in the world.

My advice is to keep talking to him.

DS1 is quite like this. He does leave his room for a snack, a bath, to sort out his stuff occasionally. But we have very little interaction with him and he is out a lot with friends or buried deep in homework or online in his room. His brother is much cosier and interacts with us.

I find I have to meet DS1 on his own terms. He loves quizzes so I can drag him out of his pit to watch University Challenge with us and we do quizzes together at meal times (bit sad bit better than silence ) I make a weekend walk a non-negotiable event. We go for a short hike or a wander around a local attraction or walk through the woods to a nice cafe on the far side and have breakfast there. Even then, chat is often a monosyllabic struggle. We sometimes go to theatre or to a gig together and can chat abotu that but day to day stuff, as you say, he seems to have tuned out from the family a fair bit.

I had exactly the same with my DS at the same age. He was basically a hermit for a couple of years, apart from pursuing his sport and going to school. To my dismay, he even stopped his sport just before GCSEs.
I worried about him all the time, went into school to discuss, researched depression in teens. When I tried to talk to him about it he just told me not to worry, he was ok.
I did manage to coax him into D of E Bronze and Silver and he has recently completed his Gold expedition abroad. Keeping him going with all of that was a massive struggle. I'm so glad I did, it's been helpful I think.
He's almost 18 now and is slowly coming back to us. He goes out with friends occasionally and has taken up a new sport which is a very sociable activity.
I'm enjoying discovering a brand new adult. He is a very interesting person these days, quite chatty and he knows so much stuff!
(I still miss my little boy though...)

Mmmmm sounds usual but could be improved as it could lead to him feeling isolated and depressed. Do you organise any family days out ? or just 1to1 days with him ? maybe he needs some attention on him.

My four are all like this. There wasn't/isn't anything wrong with them. Three are now adults and did ok to brilliantly at school. The one who only did ok is now working in a good job, the middle two are at excellent unis. My youngest is still a teen, hopefully he will be ok like his siblings.

When all 4 are home, you would hardly know it as they stick to their rooms except for meals. I don't like it one bit, and I always try to get a chat going at dinner time or visit their rooms occasionally to chat one to one. I am so envious of families who still go out together, or even just sit and watch tv together as I dont ever have that. But in terms of mental health and academic achievement, I can reassure you that that seems to be fine.

Thank you all for the reassurance. He does get one to one time and he does come out with us probably once at the weekends but maybe just for a walk rather than an activity as it’s hard to interest him in things, even stuff we know he likes. I get that he’s probably rather be with friends than dull parents though!

He plays lots of sport which he loves. It’s just when he’s home he’s in his room unless it’s for food, bathroom or basic chores. Very occasionally he will watch tv with us - his dad works away a lot and I know he craves time with him. He’s not very bothered about spending time with me. I give him lifts and feed him basically...

Yep my two are like this - they will talk at the dinner table but generally they work in their rooms and the watch netflix or something similar. We can coax them out to attend events but normal everyday life is pretty much as you describe.

They tend to spend weekday evenings in their rooms as have homework, their phones etc. We do all eat together though and chat then.