Oh God save my sanity

[Mairyhinge]

My 17 year old son is driving me to the brink.
He quit college earlier this year, ummed and ahhed a bit & finally decided he'd like to join the RAF. Fab. Really supportive of his choice and he's been enthusiastic about it UNTIL the medical.
His father and paternal grandfather have a heart condition that hasn't proved to be congenital, my son has had all the tests they can do and he's fine BUT the consultant wants him on 3 yearly checks.
So we've been waiting over 2 months for our gp to send the info requested by capita ( they do the medical ), waiting, waiting, find out last week capita still haven't revived the info despite the gp sending it 30th September.
Anyway the crux is ds is very down, unmotivated, and lazy.
Does FUCK ALL. Goes to the gym if I push the issue. Dh has said he needs to find a job now as things aren't happening and could take months IF he gets the go ahead.
Ds refuses to look at jobs, ask about jobs, go for a job. Gets up at dinner time. It's like a dark black cloud lives in the house.
Oh and he has mild PDA, which has reared its head massively with all this.
I can't talk to him, he WONT talk to me. I have no one who can talk with him ( dh and he clash).
I've said end of November I'm stopping paying for his phone if he doesn't sort something but it's like he doesn't care. He earns £20 every Friday from a tiny job and that sees him cos he doesn't go anywhere!
I have to go out to gets way from him.
What can I do? How can I make him see he needs to do something?
If we ask for jobs round the house done he doesn't bother and it results in an almighty row.
I'm done.
Help

Kick him out!

Seriously. I moved out voluntarily at 17. I moved into a hostel and had to pull my weight massively. I didn't act like this at all and was in college when I moved. I finished college whilst in the hostel and went on to finding a job and my own flat. It forces anyone to grow the hell ip and it sounds Luke your son will continue to use you and be like this unless you seriously put your foot down. I was taught to have respect for my mum and dad, and that I had to always be doing something with my life. He needs to learn the same, and he won't whilst he gets to behave like this.

I know it's easier said than done, but he will not change unless you make it serious.

Up and like

Urgh! I can't type.

Maybe he is worried about the possibility of a heart condition? If he's discovered that his RAF career depends on a clear scan, he may suddenly have realised that potentially having a heart condition (since he is on three-yearly checks, it appears it can't be ruled out completely) is going to have implications for various areas of his life (jobs, perhaps sports etc) and he has not yet come to terms with it.

Hi thanks for the replies. I've seriously considered chucking him out.
And yes he's very worried about his raf career I get that, and I've told him we support him wholeheartedly BUT not when he's leeching off us and giving nothing back.
He doesn't have a heart condition now and is not necessarily going to develop one either. His medical notes all say this.
I just need him to DO SOMETHING.
I do appreciate the suggestion of kicking him out, believe me, I'm not going to find reasons not to, other than I'm not QUITE there yet.

I would wonder if he’s depressed. I appreciate that he won’t speak to you and it’s very frustrating , but you say that you support him wholeheartedly but then describe him as leeching off you which seems a bit contradictory. You say that YOU need him to do something . That is about your principles , not his . The motivation needs to come from him if what he does is going to be successful.
At 17 I think I would give him a bit more time to sort out what he wants from life . He may be struggling to know what to do after finding that further education is not for him and now his hopes of an RAF career are on hold.
I know that some people believe that the shock of throwing someone out forces them to grow up and find their feet . That may well be true for some people , but it does risk the person feeling rejected, and i5 having a poor impact on their mental health .

God, teenagers are such a minefield as they vary so much!

Is your DH his father? Why exactly do they clash?

FWIW I think he is 17, he has applied for a a good career and now has to wait - this wait is through no fault of his own and is fairly worrying as it has big ramifications. He has, admittedly a small, job which would pay for his social life but he doesn't go out anywhere as is he is down and unmotivated.

Yes he should be doing his share in the house and being civil, but I think I would be on the side of cutting him some slack under the circumstances rather than throwing him out! (Which would be ridiculous in the current climate and for the reasons above, he could literally be on the streets).

I don't have much truck with the well they aren't grown up and their brains aren't mature until they're 25 and I think everyone living in the house should contribute to chores etc, but he is still 17 and waiting to start his career, I think I would be a bit more sympathetic..

If he does get into the career he wants it could be the making of him as he will grow up, and if he doesn't he will need some support.

I told my dd she needed to apply for jobs or benefits (age 18 after a levels) the thought of an interview at the job centre was enough to apply online for a job at McDonald's which she got. Even if he's accepted it can be many months before his start date, my DD's friend waited from July to November

Little off topic but have you chased to see if the GPS advice is still outstanding or has it been received. There’s no reason why it should take that long.
If you really wanted to expedite the situation could you pay for a private GP to essentially write the same report then at least you know it will be done?

Thank you all. I do appreciate your comments. I think during bad days I consider him leeching off us but he's still a child. And no I won't throw him out!
My dh is his father and they just clash a lot. My dh has a high work moral ( as does our dd 23), but ds seems to not be interested.
Anyway we got a copy of the dr report today that they have received and it doesn't mention any issues with his heart other than the vague connection that they've proven doesn't exist ( if you get my drift) boy next door is more likely to have a heart problem than ds because ds has a regular check every 3 years.
They've asked for a bit more info but I'm really hoping he'll get going soon. He started the process in July/ August so in the grand scheme of things it's not too bad.
I just wish I could talk to him. That's the problem mainly, finding a way to talk without him having a strop.

I think the "leeching" comment is a bit unreasonable to be honest.

God knows my DC aren't saints and I'm extremely short tempered, in fact there has already been a bloody huge row in our house today about cleaning but your DS is 17, and waiting for a job confirmation which is out of his hands. He is earning enough to meet his discretionary spending needs - and you yourself says he is "very down".

How is he leeching? My take (and I know this varies between families but the government insist on education or training until 18 now anyway) is that under 18 as long as they are in FTE, or making the effort to get apprenticeships/training etc, or waiting for jobs to be confirmed (DBS checks etc) and they are living at home they get their needs met (and some of their wants if they have a good attitude!) They usually have part time jobs to pay for their wants anyway.

Your DS is under 18 and waiting for a job and isn't (from your OP) expecting you to give him any money over bed and board? He is lazy and sulky and that needs to change but I don't think throwing him out will help with that at all and is a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

Where will he go if you kick him out and how will your relationship be then?

Cross posted with you, sorry.

I sympathise with the nightmare of talking to them! Do you drive? If so I found conversations in the car were the easiest, it seemed more low key and no awkward eye contact made it more relaxed.

Or (and this shows how very very far I am from being a wonderful parent ) sometimes we have conversations like this via text message or bloody snapchat. I don't always leave the house to do this but you may want to text him under the pretext of getting something when you're at the shop etc and open a dialogue. He may open up a bit more like that

Hi thanks for the comments. We communicate mostly by text! He has the entire downstairs level of the house, bedroom and small bathroom. He has x box, internet, big tv, iPhone, freedom, friends round to sleep.
I appreciate the leeching comment was bad, thing is I want to give him everything. But can't afford to.
I'd be happy if he'd just be civil to us, get up before dinner time and help round the house a bit.

Rather than insist he ‘goes out and get a job’, which is quite hard and daunting in his sitch, I’d insist he goes back to a college/school and do an apprenticeship or finish a post-GCSE qual.
Sitting at home and feeling like a massive failure is a horrible situation to be in. He needs you to be a bit firm but towards expectations he can manage. Going back to college (which he can drop as soon as the RAF becomes viable) is fine, expecting him to ‘get off his arse and get a job’ is obviously a bit too much for him at this point.

You can't "insist he goes back to a college/school" @sleightofmind! It's mid-November - nobody would take him onto a course now, when it's very likely he'll be going into the forces any time.

DH has hypertrophic cardiomyopathy and DH1(18) has the gene (no symptoms as yet but yearly MRI’s etc) so I understand you not wanting to be too hard on a child whose life may become limited.

Be extremely firm about him getting out of the house and picking up the reins of his life though.

Hollow
I do the press and marketing for our local college.
There’s a huge drop out rate in the first term and courses like ‘Preparation for Public Services’ are happy to take on students who are under 18 and waiting to join the forces/emergency services (clue’s in the name).
Do have a look at your local colleges OP. Your situation is far from unique and teenagers sitting around at home, annoying everyone whilst feeling useless is a destructive situation for you all.

Oh thanks alright I'll look at that!
I just want him happy.

You can claim child benefit if your child is under 18 and waiting to join the military, don't know if an extra few pounds will reduce the strain a wee bit.
I've been in your situation, except DS1 dropped out after finishing basic training, don't have any real advice apart from don't give up and keep trying, also don't make home too comfy, boring food and no heating on during the day, no laundry service or new clothes.

Wiggly what's happening now then if they dropped out? Thanks for the supportive comment. I am still getting child benefit for him which pays for his driving lessons at the mo.
It's given me lots of food for thought seeking advice. Thanks

I'm not sure if our tale will encourage you much as he's now 21 and still not settled into a permanent job ( although he did have a job for 10 months). He's lived off saved wages and he was placed in a championship computer game competition and won a few thousand so hasn't signed on and pays a small amount of keep. He has struggled with his mental health but recently he has been diagnosed with ADHD and started medication, this has had a positive effect and he is making tentative plans for his future (and has started being tidier and more organised and more communicative). Good luck to your son, I hope he enjoys it, my son never had a passion for the armed forces, joining was a solution to a problem and he enjoyed passing the tests after not doing well at school but the reality of the lifestyle was not for him.

Maryhinge, you said:- I'd be happy if he'd just be civil to us, get up before dinner time and help round the house a bit.
.......
You've hit the nail on the head there. Say that to your son in a gentle manner and he might take it on board. Not every day (teenagers need a lot of sleep, mine used to sleep for England and I was the same), but significantly more than now.

He's only seventeen and from what you say, he is going through the process of joining the air force so that will hopefully happen before too long. If he likes it and settles down you no longer have a problem.