21 year old son... why so horrible?

[Despair123]

My 21 year old son still gives off the "I hate you" vibe, which was semi-ok when he was 14-19 but really, still at 21???? Why am I still the dog he can kick..just because he can? I feel so crap and unloved everytime I visit him. I just want him to chat to me and be pleased to see me but he never is...... but yet he behaves totally different when his Dad comes... Will he ever 'come back to me' as they say?

He gets away with it because he thinks he can.
Your first mistake was thinking his behaviour was ‘semi-ok’. What kind of message does that send? Should’ve been nipped in the bed when it started.

Nipped in the bud, rather

My son is 19 and like this to me. I also find it incredibly upsetting. In my case he believed I treated him unfairly by trying to remove his gaming which got out of hand when he was younger.

I’m not saying you’ve done anything wrong, but perhaps he perceives you have. You need to ask him what the problem he has with you is. Just listen.. and be very careful how you answer. I’m not excusing his behaviour; just saying he may see things differently.

Can you speak to his father ?

I think they ‘kick’ the parent who calls out the bad behaviour. It’s not you, it’s what you represent - or represented when he was younger - and now you are the natural bogeyman for what is going awry elsewhere. It is v sad. I am going through similar with dd who is exceptionally rude. Can you keep your distance until he has matured a bit more and recognises your value/love, and can see the unnecessary hurt he’s causing?