Self harm, drinking, suicidal at 14

[GoingGrey76]

Hi, hoping to get some advice. I've dipped in and out of here over the years but never felt this helpless. In tears even as I start to type this.
My only DD is 14.5y and in 3rd year at high school.

She suddenly started being ignored by her best friend of 2 years last may (unless they were alone) and after a couple of months she moved into a different friend group (boys and girls) and has seemed happy enough with them.

She often stays at a friends house at the weekend, or has someone to stay at ours, and we FaceTime when she gets there to make sure she's ok. She tells us most kids in her year drink but she's always been against it. We've always said we know it will happen soon but as long as she tells us we can make sure she's safe. We also have a tracker on her phone so she knows we know where she is if we ever need to check.
She's been 'paired up' with one of the boys in the group for about a month, and though not officially her bf, they FaceTime most nights for an hour or two if they're not out as a group.

On holiday a few weeks ago I saw cut marks on her inner arms, and asked her if she was ok, what she needed, she can talk to me or her dad at any time. She didn't want to talk about it but I made it clear she wasn't in trouble, I was just worried.

On Friday night, we got a call to pick her up at 9.45pm as she was drunk and being sick at her friends house. She's also lost her phone.
She was hysterical by the time DH brought her home, and told me she's so unhappy, she can only speak to the boy friend and feels so alone, and she just wants to go to sleep and never wake up again. I slept in beside her that night to make sure she wasn’t sick again.
I spoke to her in the morning and asked her why she was so sad, if she wanted to talk to a counsellor (she didn't) and reminded her she wasn't in trouble and we love her, but she wasn't opening up. She said that was the 2nd time she's tried alcohol, 1st time was in the summer. I'm not sure she even remembers what she said.

I don't know what to do.

From my limited expectations it sounds like you’re doing everything right ... showing her she’s loved unconditionally, allowing her to tell you stuff about boys and drink etc without hitting the roof etc
She is going to be feeling sad and it is going to pass, only experience will show her that. Try and pick her up when she’s down and don’t lose the ability you have to communicate with her. If you have that then you can meet most challenges.
Watching your kids and teens suffer is THE HARDEST PART of parenting Imo and I suspect it doesn’t get easier.

I’ve got no helpful experience but I just wanted to say too that you sound like you’re doing a great job. She can talk to you (even though she may choose not to), you know who her friends are and what’s going on in her life and you’re not judging her. Be encouraged even if things seem so hard at the moment.

I tell my daughter (15) that she will feel sad at times (sometimes every day) and that’s normal - especially for teens. You obviously don’t want to minimise it but you need to help her have some perspective.

Thank you both. It's just so hard watching her go through this.

I wish my mum had reacted this way when I was struggling with my mental health in my teens. You sound like you are doing an amazing job.

I suggest if possible nicely making her to go to a counsellor and then she can open up about the issues she's going through- but doesn't want to worry you about

You're doing everything right OP.
When I was a teenager and drank I also got very emotional and low I can't drink alcohol as an adult and had been diagnosed with a mood disorder when I was 19.
You sound like an amazing mother I haven't any advice just keep that closeness and communication you have and I hope things get better x

Saturate her with love.

Adolescence is such a funny phase for teenagers, emotions everywhere and trying to fit into social circles.

You are all too kind, Im just trying to be there for her. Only hope she will open up and speak to someone who can help. I'll try again to suggest a counsellor and see what she thinks.

I'd also say you're doing everything right.

I was similar at 14 - probably worse. I was drinking at school, I was self-harming to the point I'd end up in hospital, I wouldn't let anyone help me.

I only came fully out of the self-destructive phase when I got pregnant a couple of years later.

My mums the most loving and supportive person and did everything right but unfortunately (and I don't blame her), she handled that whole situation wrong.
She reacted out of anger, she was hysterical, she tried taking my freedom, she cornered me and accused me of attention-seeking on multiple occasions. I was really uncomfortable.

I get that she was stressed and how scary it must be happening to your child but the memory of someone being like that with you doesn't go unfortunately and even though we're ridiculously close, I still don't feel comfortable talking to her about mental health etc now.

I'm not saying I'd have been different or any less troubled then either but I know it would've been a lot better not having to deal with her anger too.

So keep doing what you're doing. I can imagine how hard it is to stay calm.
I know in my area there's groups where parents dealing with teenagers with similar problems can connect and talk confidentially. Maybe that'd be a good option to feel like you aren't alone dealing with an awful situation.

Best of luck.

Thanks for sharing your experience, I really appreciate it and hope you're doing ok.

You're doing what you can lovely, keep a close eye, give her some autonomy when you talk about it with her ie instead of "I think you should see a doctor" go with "do you think seeing a doctor could help they can talk to you about support and someone neutral to talk to?".

She needs to feel in control even if to an extent it's an illusion. Teens are very quick to rebel against the feeling of being told.

Also certain groups of females are more at risk of self harm, particularly feMales with ASD, those with body dysmorphia and poor self esteem.

It sounds like the alcohol combined with general teenage raging emotions have not helped. Maybe chat with her about the effect alcohol has on mental health - it's a depressant, anxiety hangover etc