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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My dd who is 15 has no friends.... This is abit long

31 replies

biglips · 25/10/2019 09:44

She got one close friend and the group that my dd is normally in, are being off with her. She and her close friend doesn't know why, but that plays her emotions on alot of things.. Like bottle things up, tired, etc. I've tried to get her to join a club to do a hobby but she won't do it as not interested.

Atm she just joined the DoE, she is volunteering once a week in the cinema and will be doing other things along with the DoE. She said it's OK.

I find everytime we have an argument for the past 3 yrs, its the same argument... It's problems with lack of friends (she used to have plenty of friends before she started the high school but she brushed every one of them off! She said she didn't like them), me not paying attention to her (I've got two younger kids to look after as well so I don't treat her any different than them). We do have a girly time cinema, Costa, etc. This time she is doing her gcses, she is in the top set of everything. (maybe she is struggling with too much homework, I've told her to talk to her teacher and we will go from there, but I know she won't cos she doesnt like letting herself down).

She been self harming for 2 yrs now, on and off, waiting for Cahms to get back in touch (she already being for the introduction back in July).

My dd is very bright and very clever but when she hold everything in... She explode and then tries to put the blame on me. I said I'm not there to know what's happening with your friends.... But she knows she can join a club to make new friends but she not interested. I can't win!!!

Please say I'm not the only one who is going through this???????

OP posts:
TrickOrTreaty · 25/10/2019 09:57

OP, I'm so sorry about your dd, poor girl.

But she knows she can join a club to make new friends but she not interested. I can't win!!!

You do make your pst sound a lot about you. Try empathising and connecting with her in a way that works for her. Don't keep suggesting she joins clubs if she feels she will run into similar friendship problems there. She sounds busy as it is and with GCSEs looming, no wonder she feels stressed and down.

It's no good treating her like your other, younger kids. She needs to be treated in a way that is tailored to HER, not in comparison to your younger dc, who may be going through less difficult phases at the moment.

What's the age difference between your dc?

Alicia9999 · 25/10/2019 10:02

She sounds similar to me at that age! Sounds like she needs home to be a safe haven, away from people at school (who clearly get on her nerves), away from the stress of school work.

It sounds like school wise she is doing great, and she is doing volunteering/DofE, so what more does she need to do? Sounds like she is doing great despite MH issues and friendship problems. Stop nagging her, and just let her relax and enjoy being at home. Give her special attention and treat her like the 'almost' adult that she is.

Alicia9999 · 25/10/2019 10:04

BTW - I decided my friendship group at school was actually full of nasty people about aged 16 and just muddled along with acquaintances until I left at 18. Did me no harm, now I can 'choose' my friends I'm surrounded by wonderful people!
Is it really an issue to not have friends at school?

Original poster
biglips · 25/10/2019 20:03

I'm not nagging her at all as she burst out crying last night after she screamed at me and lashed out at the living room door all because earlier my dd came home from school, my mum asked her to tidy her room (cos she get pocket money off her) when I was in the kitchen cooking. I didn't know my mum was talking to my dd. A few hours later, she wouldn't bring her phone down at her bedtime so I took it off her and she lashed out and bashing the living room door. 10 mins later, she came down and she was sobbing saying her group of friends ain't talking to her, and she doesn't know why. I've tried to tell her to ask her best mate but her best friend said to her it's fine, stop worrying. Which causing my dd to start overthinking of why her friends ain't talking to her. Last year (she got no hobbies) we went through of maybe join a club (I mentioned that 7-8 months ago about the clubs) as then she was having a meltdown saying she was bored and not going out. Also I suggested to do photography at home to be at home, or come to the gym with me....... She not interested. I said maybe they've got their own problems to deal with, etc. I don't know!... For my dd, it's a big thing for her group of friends to stay friends. I don't know what's going on with her friends and herself at school. She said she tried to talk to them but they just sort of ignore her.

She is doing fantastic at school which I'm proud of her and is a good girl at home but she bottle things up and explode.

My other dc are age 7 & 11. They've got their own social lives and I always ask if she want to join us ie swimming, but also we do our own thing too, once a month, plus she goes out with her best mate too, who lives 15 mins drive away.

The talk we have always comes back to her friends.

OP posts:
Mrscaindingle · 25/10/2019 20:17

I think you need to try and take a back seat and let her get on with things whilst being there for support. Someone once said to me that parenting teenagers means being present and available but at a distance which is very hard to achieve.

It sounds as though you have preconceived ideas about how she should be and maybe you to let that go a bit

sandwiches77 · 25/10/2019 20:20

Feel your pain OP, my DD is, 17 and has no friends. She has however recently been diagnosed with autism. But she gets very low and really upset. I feel so helpless and breaks my heart seeing her go through it.

SellingHouse · 25/10/2019 20:22

This was me at her age. Although I was bullied too (is she?). I was just so sad and lonely so I would release that the only way I was able to which was anger. Try not to be too hard on her. At that age friends are so important and it can feel like the end of the world to not have any or to have fallen out with people and be alone at school - it’s every teens worst nightmare. My mum tried to get me to join clubs etc but by that age everyone has kind of found their thing and their people so just joining a club in the same school in my opinion back then wouldn’t really have helped.

I moved school in the end.

Original poster
biglips · 25/10/2019 20:23

I have taken the back seat since the last meltdown. And I not mentioned the clubs since but she is sobbing of why her friends aren't talking to her and she is so bored and I'm just trying to help her. So she doesn't want to do anything. What can i do!? I can be there for her and support her same as my dh.

OP posts:
BeaCalm · 25/10/2019 20:23

OP - hobbies and sports don't necessarily lead to friends. My DD (15) doesn't have real friends either at school or her sports club. She doesn't care anymore - she works hard at school, trains and competes with her team and watches Netflix and YouTube in her spare time. She reckons she'll find her tribe either at 6th form college or uni.

I can imagine it's difficult for you as your DD is struggling but you seem to be doing your best. There are apparently some charities that offer free counselling for teens - I know from MN that camhs can has a long waiting list.

I would ask your mum not to tell your DD to tidy her room. Pocket money from grandparents should be an indulgence- not dependent on chores being done IMHO.

SellingHouse · 25/10/2019 20:25

Aww my heart hurts for her Sad

Haworthia · 25/10/2019 20:28

I think there might be something else going on.

Firstly, she’s desperately miserable and sounds depressed.

Secondly, these “meltdowns” as you describe them, plus social problems and lack of friends, suggests she could be autistic. Is that a possibility, do you think?

Original poster
biglips · 25/10/2019 20:29

Im sorry that you were bullied.

I did ask if she was being bullied, she said no. She used to have hobbies that she wanted to do but it drifted off in the end before she started high school. Since she started year 9 she in year 10 now, I stopped asking her to come to the gym with me cos she looked bored doing it so she stopped.

I have said to dh, if you have problems with your circle of friends in your school years. That can cause alot of problems with other things.

OP posts:
Original poster
biglips · 25/10/2019 20:30

None of her friends wanted to join the gym

OP posts:
DariaMorgendorffer · 25/10/2019 20:33

Sounds like she desperately needs extra help and support. Can you find her a therapist to talk to?

SellingHouse · 25/10/2019 20:37

I honestly think as a parent there was nothing to you can in this situation other than be there for her and try and keep as calm as possible when she’s taking things out on you - which she will continue to do.

I can’t think of anything as a teen that my parents could have done to fix it for me but they could have made it easier on me.

ChicCauldron · 25/10/2019 20:41

Did anything happen 2 years ago in her life before the self-harming started, OP?

Original poster
biglips · 25/10/2019 20:43

I've told my mum before to stop the pocket money but she haven't.

Don't know if she would be autistic? She used to be really outgoing till she was 6 and then she slowly started to be shy and starting to overthink of what other people may think of her, being paranoid... Etc.
Don't know wheres that come from?

OP posts:
imip · 25/10/2019 20:49

I have two autistic daughters, and I wouldn’t rule out ASD. Lots of the time, it really only becomes more obvious when they are teenagers. I have one dd who self-harms a lot.

It might be useful to raise this query to CAHMS. Obviously I cannot diagnose, but please google autism and girls and see if anything rings a bell.

Original poster
biglips · 25/10/2019 20:56

She was having counselling (private which she didn't feel any benefit from it) and the school counsellor which she was OK, for when she was in year 9. There's nothing in place atm but I will talk to them after the half term.

5 years ago, her oldest sister, my stepdaughter, my dhs dd, went off rails cos she was running away from home cos her mum was really nasty to her and my stepdaughter stopped coming to ours for the next 3 yrs, (in the meanwhile, she then moved out of her mums to her nans) . She said it was me as well!....We still don't know why she stopped talking to us. She wanted to forget about it. She got me a gorgeous Xmas card and pressie last Xmas. She wrote that I was the best step mum. That made my Xmas but I was confused!!!.

OP posts:
sandwiches77 · 25/10/2019 20:57

My DD has dropped out of mainstream 6th form as struggling with the social side. She is continuing her A levels online at home. Time will tell whether that works out for her. She doesnt have any friends, but she does go to Scouts, which is a small group with other Autisic teens and she seems happy to go.

Original poster
biglips · 25/10/2019 20:58

When stepdaughter started to come round more often, dd wasn't happy about it asking why is she here!? Why did she go away?? I said you're better asking her than me as I dont know

OP posts:
Original poster
biglips · 25/10/2019 20:59

She is OK with it now.. I think as not mentioned it for a while

OP posts:
Original poster
biglips · 25/10/2019 21:01

I did mention explorers but she said no 7mths ago but now her choice she joined the Duke of Edinburgh through school a month ago which I was surprised she decided to do it. She in 4 weeks in and seems to like it

OP posts:
Original poster
biglips · 25/10/2019 21:07

About cahms.... Can I just ring up and talk about dd? As I've never been down this route before with cahms. They have suggested a play therapy counselling with her.

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 26/10/2019 10:44

About cahms.... Can I just ring up and talk about dd?

It varies a bit from area to area, but if you just want to talk on the phone, describe the issue and get some advice, then they probably will have a duty worker. Where I am they do a rota and there will be a couple of hours each day when the duty worker calls back everyone who has rung in for advice.

If they don't, then they should be able to tell you where you can get advice.

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