Dd 15 has first boyfriend and doesn’t seem happy

[EmilyJo]

My dd is 15 and was asked out at the beginning of last week by a boy in her year at school. She has known him for four months and started going around with him as part of a small mixed group of boys and girls over the summer holidays. He said he had feelings for her from four weeks into their friendship, but she wanted to wait until she was sure she felt the same way before agreeing to become his gf. They have had such a close friendship and he seems a nice boy, but he has a personality that I can only describe as ‘very up and down’. He can be very upbeat, happy and funny, but also get extremely moody and very withdrawn. He is also quite attention seeking, often posting about his moods on his private stories on social media and saying he’s not going to reply to people because of how he’s feeling.

Since agreeing to go out with him, they have seen each other a few times at my house and have gone out as a mixed group. They have had their first kiss, but my dd is not wanting to rush things and neither is he. However, since they became bf and gf he has stopped face timing her and messaging her as much and says he is ‘dealing with things’ at the minute. It is not clear whether these are normal teenage issues or more serious mental health problems. My dd is his first girlfriend, but he has lots of friends who are girls and I think he quite likes the attention of them fussing around him. I just worry that it’s too much for my dd in her last year at secondary school with mock exams looming. He told her to ‘leave it’ when she asked him what was wrong last night and then did not message her for the rest of the night. My dd did try and speak to him about his behaviour towards her on Monday night and he proceeded to ignore her in school all day on Tuesday. She was crying this morning before she went to school, which is not like her. I feel like she doesn’t need this type of relationship and want to suggest she cools things off, but don’t know how to handle things. We are very close and I’m lucky that she can talk to me about her problems. I know she cares very much for this boy and worry that she will blame me if I interfere too much. Any advice would be appreciated.

My advice would be to tell her to go out with her friends let him do the chasing. Pretend she doesn't notice he in a bad mood or ignoring her he probably doing it for attention. I have been in same situation with my dd and the boy came crawling back after couple of days telling her he missed her. But I told her not to go back to him after the second time.
They are finished now and she in a happier relationship.

I don't like the sound of him op. He could genuinely have issues, or could just be manipulative. Either scenario is too much for a 15yo to have to deal with.

What's she getting out of this relationship?
Nothing. It's making her miserable.
He sounds attention seeking and very manipulative as pp stated.
I'd advise her to be friends but not be in a close relationship with this lad.

He sounds like a self centred arse, I would tell her she deserves to be treated better and to take up his comment to 'leave it' and go out with her friends.

What a wee shame. Her 1st boyfriend and he's an arse. It's great that she can talk it all through with you. But the attention seeking behaviour he's displaying rings alarm bells. Perhaps if he's got so much going on, you might suggest she just goes back to being friends.

She's crying over his treatment of her in the first ten days? Pep talk about self-esteem & not being used as someone else's emotional punch bag. She can always support as just a friend.

Wow. This was my relationship when I was 15.

Whether he's just a dick or genuinely depressed (as I was at 15, as was my boyfriend - a terrible combination), he's only going to make your DD feel like shit. She should leave him.

Be warned that she might not go willingly though. I didn't. Took me over a year to leave him.

Thank you for all very much for your responses so far. It is reassuring that people are in agreement that this boy potentially has issues and it’s not just me being an over protective mum. She’s come home tonight from school and has been sobbing. He’s sent her snapchats this evening saying he’s got problems, but doesn’t want to tell her what they are. I’ve advised her to ignore him, but I’m not sure she will. She’s sat now on her phone waiting for him to message her, despite me saying she should log out of social media for the night. When he’s in a good mood, he makes her laugh until she cries and I’ve seen him looking so adoringly at her. She’s never had a best friend and although she is part of a group of 5/6 girl friends, she doesn’t really have a close girlfriend in whom she can confide. He has said that she is his best friend and he loves her. I fear that she will stick with him even though it is clearly not going to be a healthy relationship. Luckily it’s half term next week and she can have a break from seeing him at school, but I just hope she can get down to some revision.

My dd is out with her bf tonight he wants to go to a party shes dressed in leggings and hoodie do obviously doesn't want to go o like that he better not go without her cause he said he would go home too.

He may have separate issues but also he doesn’t sound mature enough yet to know how to behave with a gf. My DD had a similar experience. Her bf of nearly a year started given her the silent treatment. She became very withdrawn. In the end we had a long talk about why someone might do that. She sent messages saying she wanted to help if there was something wrong/talk if he wanted to end it etc... After a couple of days and no response she sent one final message saying she was there if he needed to speak, then she left it. She left him alone and got on with her life. They did stay together in the end and she became somehow stronger after that experience. Relationships are intense and often brief at this age but they should still be fun and based on friendship, respect and caring. If this bf is making your DD upset so much then she should end it. Perhaps they should not be bf and gf but stay friends, it sounds like they genuinely enjoy each other’s company. As for any other issues he may have, these friendship groups can be hugely supportive if someone is struggling and as a best friend she can look out for him as a mate.

Thanks spacehopperchopper for your reply. It sounds as if you were able to guide your DD in the right direction. Were things ok with your daughter’s relationship ok before the bf gave her the silent treatment? I agree that relationships can be brief and intense.

I think what has upset my dd the most is that he actively pursued her when they were friends and made it clear he wanted her as his gf. My dd had expressed concern about losing his friendship if they became bf and gf and only agreed to move things on after a lot of thought. She always managed his moods when they were friends, but can’t understand why he is now being silent and off with her as her bf after promising how happy he would make her. Things came to a bit of a head at midnight last night when he asked to see her tomorrow, but then wouldn’t discuss when or where. She’s told me if he doesn’t sort himself out this weekend then she will finish things on Monday. She’s going out with her girlfriends to a party tonight (where there will be other boys) and he’s not invited. I hope he doesn’t try and talk her out of going.

I honestly don’t think they really know what they are meant to do when they go from being friends to being bf and gf. My DD and bf were good friends anyway before and not much changed afterwards apart from the odd cinema trip together, holding hands etc.. They still hung out with the same friendship group and did their own separate activities out of school. It sounds like you are really there for your DD and helping her make sense of her feelings now. If the relationship doesn’t continue but they can still be friends that’s a massive bonus and a good life lesson don’t you think? If he does have some other troubles going on and is finding it hard to express his feelings then I’m not sure what more your DD can do apart from being a good friend if he does want to talk. In the meantime she certainly shouldn’t feel that it is because of anything she has done or hasn’t done, nip that in the bud before she goes into the adult world!

Things came to a bit of a head at midnight last night when he asked to see her tomorrow, but then wouldn’t discuss when or where

I don't think a 15 year old should have her phone on at midnight. Take it off her and let her enjoy being a child a bit longer rather than dealing with a manipulative boyfriend.

Thanks Beacalm. She doesn’t normally have her phone on at that time and not during the week. My older daughter is home from uni this weekend and we were all up late having a family chat and listening to music. I told her to turn off her social media last night for most of the evening and she checked it before she went to bed and was replying to a message he’d sent earlier. I agree she needs to enjoy being a child and not be in a relationship that’s making her unhappy. He’s apologised for his behaviour today, but I can tell she’s really having second thoughts. If she wants to continue on and give him another chance, then I won’t be happy, but we have had a good chat today and I don’t think she will give him a second chance.

Sorry @EmilyJo I came across as snippy. I've got a 15 year old DD who frequently has her phone in her room over night and was just feeling riled at the thought of young lads playing mind games with teenaged girls.

Don’t worry @BeaCalm. I knew what you meant and didn’t interpret your comments as snippy. I do worry about the impact of social media on my daughter and how this impacts on all her relationships. I’ve taken the phone off my dd before only to find out that she had downloaded the apps onto her iPad and was using this instead. I’m a bit wiser now!!

I’ve had a chat with her this morning about her bfs behaviour again. She enjoyed herself without him at the party last night with her friends. She is going out with him in a mixed group today, but this was initiated by another friend in the group and not her bf. He always used to message her before they went out and often FaceTime her ahead of their meetings, but did not bother today. I would say that he is just not into her anymore, but he put a soppy post on his social media with them together yesterday, so she’s getting really mixed signals. I’ve said if he ignores her when they are out, she is to come home. I got a text from her before they all caught the bus to say that I had put her in a bad mood because of what I’d advised and now she was being quiet and off with him! They’re both too young to be in a relationship and I hope I can convince her sooner rather than later that being friends would be better. Thanks everyone for your advice.

Hope it goes well for her. I get them text from my dd1 saying I put her in a bad mood. But it's just because I don't want her hanging by the river with groups where they are all drinking and smoking and God knows what else. She was out at weekend and didn't go down there and I didn't need to give out.

Thanks @mcmen05 it’s nice to know other mother’s also get those sorts of texts sometimes. She’s not normally like this though and I worry that this boy is starting to have too much influence on her moods. We have a very good relationship, but she’s starting to push me away as she doesn’t seem to want to hear the advice I’m giving her at the minute. My older dd says I should just tell her to end the relationship now and she will tell her even if I won’t!

How did your dd get on with bf yesterday
My dd was at work and went to a show rehearsal after.
I went to a concert with dd2 and when I came home dd1 came out of her bedroom said good night I haven't time to talk to you I'm on facetime to bf shows who she loves more.

Thanks for asking @mcmen05 It sounds as if you’ve got a nice relationship with your daughters. My dd has called things off with her bf thank goodness. She messaged me to say that she was coming home early from town yesterday as he was basically ignoring her. He was messaging other girls on Snapchat and said in an aggressive tone, ‘what’s wrong?’ when she wasn’t speaking to him. She told him on Snapchat when she got home that she’d had enough and she was sick of being ignored and dealing with his moods. He apologised for his behaviour, but said that he couldn’t cope with a relationship at the minute, so he sort of finished it really. She’s said that she’ll miss his friendship, but not the relationship.

It’s the first day of half term and she can see on Snapchat stories that he’s been out in a mixed group with some other girls today. One particular girl (who is part of my dds wider friendship group) has been hanging around him at school, so we shall see whether his behaviour might be linked to this new girl in some way 😕 Girls can be so horrible, she showed no interest in my dds boyfriend until my dd started going around with him. My dd is so sad that she won’t be part of this mixed group now and this split will definitely curtail her social life. She says she’s not upset, but angry. Thankfully she doesn’t seem to blame me in anyway for encouraging her to call things off. She sent me a lovely picture of an advert where the dd is saying to her mum that ‘you’re my strength’. She hasn’t messaged him today and I’m hoping that she won’t try and rekindle things as boredom sets in during the holiday.

I just get my dd 1 to block any ass hole boys.
Girls can be right bitches this time last year my dd1 had her first bf from Oct to Jan
They did too much together and activities out off school which they done together he would flirt with other girls letting them sit on his knee hug and kiss on cheek in front off my dd. The final blow was when he changed his social media photos to picture of him and other girl and lied and said it was hacked. He then said he wasn't taken them down as he didn't want to hurt their feelings but it was ok to hurt and embarrass my dd.
She text him and said I've had enough of this and finished with him
She thinks he is a proper dick head now and has a lovely new bf.