Can you recommend any books on how to survive the teenage years?

[ChangingStates]

Dd is a fabulous, witty, warm and loving soul- but she's just hit 13, can be very stubborn, and there is some major boundary pushing happening- majority to do with screens / phone and restrictions on access. There have been a couple of times now where she's point blank refused requests and I am worried I am not equipped with the tools I need to get us through the next few years. Fairly recent divorce & living circumstances changing so she's got a lot going on on top of hormones etc.

Would love to read anything that may help me talk, listen, make agreements & set boundaries successfully so we can get through the teenage years with as few scars as possible!

Shamelessly following as I am looking for this type of book!

Surviving Your Child's Adolescence by Carl Pickhardt. I read loads of books (including the often recommended but IMO overly permissive "Get out of My life but First Drive me and [name] into Town").

Carl Pickhardt's book was the very best of the bunch. It balances child and parent needs as well, which very few American books do as they are so child-centred. He writes good stuff on the net too, so you can take a peek first.

I would also find this sort of book very useful

But most of all I would say - trust your own values and judgement - and try and talk to someone trusted friend or family who can help you if necessary.

Jilly Cooper books - pure escapism from being a parent of Teenagers!

More seriously,

The Five Love languages of teenagers - Gary Chapman

This was given to me when my dcs became teenagers, although I’ve never actually read it! However, according to the cover, 250000 of this book has been sold.

@Loveislandaddict escapism with Jilly Cooper 

@Plavola thank you! Will take a look at the website and I agree- having a clear set of values and reasoning is important too

@Loveislandaddict was meant to have a laughing emoji there too- not sure what happened!

These are my recommendations. I’ve read quite a few parenting books to try and better understand what the hell happened to my sweet little girl when she became a teenager 😬 Good luck, @ChangingStates

Oh, and one for the bin is When Kids Call the Shots by Sean Grover - unless you fancy a major guilt trip and would like to feel worse about yourself for months after reading it!

Can’t find it just now, but the Get Out Of My Life..... one also has a lot of good stuff in it 😊

www.amazon.co.uk/Untangled-Guiding-Teenage-Transitions-Adulthood/dp/1782395563/ref=asc_df_1782395563/?hvlocphy=9045864&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310856639426&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos=1o1&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-299830530893&hvrand=3992209033158662409

This book is brilliant for parents of teen girls

Thanks all, I like the look of the untangled one as it's specific to girls.

@Staywithmemyblood did reading them all actually help? A part of me wonders if I want to read them just to feel like I'm doing something!

Has anyone tried how to talk so your teen will listen and listen so your teen will talk? It's got good reviews.

changing, I am reading ‘how to talk to teens can listen’ at the moment.
I read ‘get out of my life’, it was good, but not exceptional, but you wouldn’t waste your time if you read it, so go for it.
I’m quite clinical in my approach because I had an abusive childhood, so most of my parenting comes from books. But what helped me the most was understanding what goes on in their brains.
I can recommend ‘The Teenage Brain’ (written by a neurologist).

The blame my brain is a good book and it's written in a way that a teen can read it too.

Otherwise some good steps to follow are:

Chose your battles wisely

Ask yourself why you have the rules you have. Can they be changed to suit you both better.

Mutual respect is important

Be playful and keep things light hearted where possible

Love and compassion goes further than rules and regulations.

Ask your daughter what she thinks about the rules and what she would do to make them more manageable.

The BBC documentary "Wait until your teacher gets home" is worth watching. It's available on YouTube in bits - here's a link to the first bit:

What I found fascinating is that nothing really seemed to work until they asked the girl to write a list of rules that she felt she would keep to. The adults seemed surprised, and it was a last resort for them, but in a way it's obvious, surely?
And this ties in with what WWIOOIWW said.

Not a book but I find a lot of information here helpful
www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/early-teen

I feel your pain Op! Have been through the teen years twice. Neither times were particularly pleasant, and mostly ended up with me feeling like the worst parent in the world.
We set clear rules with our DDs, e.g. Device times, bed times, jobs round the home etc. Pocket money had to be earned. One thing we let go was the state of their bedrooms. If they wanted to live in a shit tip, so be it. 🤣

I did find out recently, at my youngest DDs wedding, that she was always out drinking with her friends from about 14, they'd tell their parents they were staying at one particular girls house, and we didn't realise that this girl's parent let them run riot! Sadly, I also found out that she had been bullied by one particular girl in school for a couple of years and hadn't told me at all. Her reason? She thought I'd only make it worse, and she was perfectly capable of ignoring her.
Both my DDs are very happy, successful adults who frequently tell me how much they love me and that I was a 'cool' mum 🤷🏼‍♀️

Interestingly, Carl Pickhardt doesn't go along with the general consensus let them live in a vile mess if they want to (we're not talking about a bit of untidyness here). He has written about it on the internet. I myself did expect some basic order and cleanliness and it (sort of) worked. However, he is (just) 17 now and his behaviour has got worse so I have backed off on that one.

I think its also important to remember that if you come on MN looking for advice on Teens (or anything for that matter) you will get alot of replies, often opposing opinions! Some people are very very liberal or permissive, others the extreme opposite! So, I really think you have to think of what your values are and what you hope to help your children along with - independence or responsibility for example. It doesn't mean you don't question some of your own ways, e.g. if you have a tendency to be controlling for example. But it doesn't mean either you have to go along with "received" opinion about "how to deal with a teen".

BTW, you are lucky in a way OP, 13 is still quite young. I would (and this is my opinion obviously) really get those smart phone controls and wifi controls in place now and keep them going as long as you see fit. E.g. 2 hours an evening, or phones handed over an hour or two before bedtime, 8 p.m, 9 p.m. whatever it is you see as reasonable. It is much harder to go back and create limitations when they are older and / or are used to complete freedom to do what they want! Speaking from my experience. These days its a little easier technically - but still a headache - to get controls on phones and wifi controls like Disney Circle than it was when my son was 13. I still don't think the internet service providers do enough on this - though of course its not in their interest financially for their customers to use less wifi me, cynical?

@ChangingStates - I've read so many different parenting books as, like @SeaSidePebbles, I can't really use my parents as role models, so I didn't always trust my instincts or would had no clue how to handle a situation. I also agree that the insights into how the teenage brain works have been the most helpful. DH tends towards a far more authoritarian approach to parenting than me (I'm very easy going, but struggle to maintain boundaries), so the books have helped us reach a compromise, and to involve DD in agreeing family rules and boundaries. DD is naturally very oppositional, so it's all fun and games in our house! 😬

The how to talk books are excellent, I read when my DD was younger and it massively changed my parenting. DD is 16 now and we have a great relationship. It also changed how I related to other people too.

Thanks for the additional advice & recommendations. Lots of good ones for me to choose from.

I do have (mostly) clear boundaries and also try to listen and be reasonable with requests. I make sure whatever disagreement we have she knows I love her and think she's brilliant and never end the day without cuddles and kisses even if we are at odds!
However recently the pushing from her has become more hardcore! Her relationship with her younger sister is also going downhill as she is often making mean and belittling comments (annoying, brat, don't do this or that etc etc) which is at odds with her usual warm empathetic self.
Because of recent divorce and 50:50 parenting I hate it if the time we do have is in argument so am maybe sometimes being more permissive than I want to.

So really am looking to add some tools to my kit to help me communicate with her in ways that reduce the confrontational aspects and help me to understand where she is coming from.

Have also seen a couple of books for teens on understanding their parents so may get her one of those too!

Chose your battles wisely

Ask yourself why you have the rules you have. Can they be changed to suit you both better.

Mutual respect is important
Love the approach @WWlOOlWW has taken.
Be playful and keep things light hearted where possible

Love and compassion goes further than rules and regulations.

Ask your daughter what she thinks about the rules and what she would do to make them more manageable.

I read loads of books (most of the books mentioned) when dd turned 13, she went from lovely and affection to cold and argumentative overnight. It was clear that my style of parenting need to adapt to suit a teenager and as I changed my attitude, my lovely dd came back to me.
I check my rules and my approach frequently as she moves towards adulthood, I try to take a step back and allow her to become an adult, I try to be wise counsel now she is in year 12, she trusts me, she tells me stuff, we're in a good place.