So who is right, me or my mother?

[RedJoan]

Dd is 13.5.p, attends GS and is bright but lazy. Homework completed at the last possible moment with minimal effort generally but does OK, excels in some subjects despite the lack of effort.

Her room is a pigsty, clean clothes, dirty clothes, rubbish, tech, books, homework, anything and everything on the floor which can be a 12” high pile in places.

She is rude and has a constant attitude. Hard work.

After another pile of washed and ironed clothes ended up mashed into the mire I stopped doing her laundry. Taught her how to use the washing machine. This is too much like hard work for her. On Monday morning she appeared wearing a dirty skirt for school.

I just don’t understand her at all. I have a two hour screen time limit per day plus homework useage because she would basically spend six waking hours a day on her phone/iPad.

She does very little around the house. She will get drinks or cutlery out when we eat, reluctantly empty the dishwasher if absolutely required.

Today my mother said that she thinks that being made to do her own laundry (including bedding which she changes on a whim and then leaves in a corner of her room for a coupe of weeks) is too much to ask. “Oh, it is a lot Joan, really with school and everything”.

It’s just the two of us, I work 45-50 hours most weeks, some of it at home in the evenings so I am at home for her and am studying PT.

I thought my keep your room clean, do your laundry and focus on your schoolwork was ok, clearly my mother doesn’t.

I think it must be a teen thing, my DSS is the same. I have also stopped doing his washing because I would leave it on his bed for it to be put away, and he'd just fling it on the floor when he needed to get into bed. When I ask him if he has anything for the wash, he just picks everything up, INCLUDING the clean things he hasn't even worn yet.

I've got too much going on in my life to have to do double washing because he can't be arsed. These days, his bedroom door stays shut. The only thing he's been told is that he isn't getting his room decorated (which is badly needs, and he badly wants) until he can show he can take care of it - and there's absolutely no sign of that happening at this point.

My teen girl is the same. If I were you I would lander her uniform but not the other stuff. I don't launder my teen's stuff any more.

I can't advise on the lack of effort though. My teen is the same!

She sounds like me as a teen but I grew up eventually and have a brilliant relationship with my mum, I remember how much I put her through and respect her so much for what she put up with. Now I'm getting my karma as my teenager is the same but it won't last.

I think what you expect from her is entirely reasonable but tbh I would probably cave a bit and make sure she had clean school uniform as I would be embarrassed for my kids to go to school dirty.

Sounds like my DS (14). Utterly, utterly lazy. I have stopped doing his washing, because like you and SunshineAngel I work far too long hours to be 'double washing'. He goes through a ridiculous amount of bath towels - 3 per shower it appears. And can seriously have 20 odd towels lying on his bedroom floor by the weekend. He showers every morning, and occasionally in the evening too. I'm bloody sick of the amount of washing he makes, and the fact that apparently no one else in the house needs to use towels.

Room is a pigsty, despite being constantly told he's not allowed to take food/plates up there he is just ignoring it. The only thing that eventually stops him is going nuclear and removing XBox for days until it's cleared. And then it immediately starts again.

He does do his own washing - but leaves it til the last minute, so uniform is going on at 11.00pm on a Sunday night, despite repeatedly being reminded throughout the weekend.

That then means that he's putting wet stuff in the dryer at 7.30 on a Monday morning and frequently missing the bus/expecting one of us to drive him to school...

Sorry. You are right by the way! Your mother sounds like mine

Thanks for all your replies ..... fellow sufferers.

Snow I don’t have a problem with actually doing her laundry, what I have a problem with is finding it in the mess that is her floor (is v extreme) and washing clean clothes again because they are on her floor with everything else.

So I would be happy to do it if it was a) actually needed washing and b) in her laundry bag.

I just don’t understand her I guess, I was never like that and I really struggle with the general lack of respect and care.

My mum is , I worked six hours a week on Saturdays in the local supermarket for pocket money at 14.

OP, I’m with you on this

My teen is 14 in Nov, he does all his own washing, has done since he was 10 (also single parent and they're quite capable of pressing a few buttons). To be fair it only works if they care what they look like. DS does.

Personally I wouldn't cave. If she's happy to go to school grubby then I'd let her. I might point out to her that people may judge her for it and she may start to smell a bit but hey if that's ok with her instead of doing a 5 minute task then it's ok with you too.

I would also make clear that you're not buying her more clothes until she shows she can look after thrm

I think she sounds normal for a teen tbh. Not that that makes it any easier for you.

I have a toddler so talking only about my own experience growing up (I'm in my twenties so it wasn't super long ago!) and my DM did all our laundry as teens. It was our responsibility to bring it from our room and put it in the communal basket, so if it wasn't put in there it wasn't washed and that was tough. Also if we needed anything specific for a specific time would be our responsibility to either tell her or do that ourselves if necessary. Any hand wash or dry clean only items also our own responsibility to sort. When I hit 16 I had to do my own ironing except for school uniforms which she continued to do til I left school at 18. I think this was all fair enough and none of my friends did all their own laundry. I did the occasional loads if she was busy or away between the ages of like 16-18 so I knew how to do it and had no problems when I moved away at 18 for uni. BUT we were fairly affluent and DM only volunteered/worked a few hours a week and had 3 school age children. So I can see why it might not be feasible for single parents or parents who both work etc. It's all fine your mum saying that but if you don't have time etc then if she's not offering to do it for you she can be quiet !

100% with you OP. I have a 15yo exactly the same, laundry is the next step for me. Unfortunately her 10yo sister is headed the same way. I had a really bad day on Monday with the pair of them having trashed their rooms over the weekend which resulted in me cancelling a day out shopping as a result. I'm not spending a penny on either of their rooms or their clothes until it stops. It's been going on for years with the older one, we bought some stuff to decorate her room in the new year as an incentive, ie keep your room in a more hygienic state and we'll decorate it, which she desperately wants, look we already have the lovely cushions, throws etc. Ready to go. Down to you. But she still throws everything on the floor as soon as she's done with it, clean and dirty washing, cups, cutlery, stuff going mouldy. It's grim and it stinks as well. It's marginally better in that there is no longer so much crap under her bed that it's lifting off the floor but until it stops being a health hazard I'm not spending a penny either on the room or on new stuff for her to wear (fortunately she's stopped growing so that's easier than it would be otherwise!)

TLDR: YANBU, and you're not alone.

I wouldn't cave, OP.

If she wants to go to school in a dirty skirt, thats up to her. You've taught her how to use the washing machine, provided washing up powder, what else can you do?

Wouldn't buy her anymore "stuff" either as it sounds like (though obviously I don't know) she's got too much stuff she can't look after.

I don't know whats wrong with so many kids/teens today, I really don't. Is it that they are either incredibly entitled or else they have MH issues and can't cope. Obviously it depends on the teen in question. But I'm often aghast at some of the behaviours and attitudes I read about on here. I suppose there are some more reasonable teens out there whose parents don't need to post on MN!!!!!

p.s. my own DS teen is also unreasonable and untidy and difficult btw, so no speaking from a high horse; I think he has some slight (unnoticeable to the naked eye) autistic issues which cause some of the behaviour.

My parents were old school and in terms of chores, I recall vividly when I was 12 doing the cooking most evenings whilst they worked until early evening, putting washing on, doing ALL the ironing (including my dads handkerchiefs and my mums pants!), mowing the lawn each week and also dusting and vacuuming my bedroom every weekend without fail. It wasn't meant to be cruel - it was meant to signify that we were a family and all have to pull together. There wasn't an option called "no doing it". There are lots of things my parents did wrong but making me self-sufficient isn't one of them. I'm 55 now.

You are completely right OP !

I also work full time and have/had 3
They all ;
Did their own washing from Yr 7
Emptied dishwasher
Made pack lunches. (I bought the shopping to facilitate this)

Kept their rooms in a manner they wished. I just closed the door.
DS lives like a pig in his room for 2 years until he realised I wasn't going to do it.

No pack lunch ? Then went hungry. (Only happened three times)

No clean clothes to go out ? Better do some washing then. !

All but one now through University and guess what ? They all sailed through as competent adults. .. stick to your guns.

Dishwasher emptied,
House hoovered
Bathrooms tidied once a week on a rota with a cleaner doing a better job once a week for 2 hours.

Everyone free if chores for weekends .. including me and DH.

I know msmith. It wasn't meant to be curel - it was meant to signify that we were a family and all have to pull together. Insightful and astute comment. I think it also goes along with the loss of respect for authority generally (teachers, parents, police, adults in general). But I still find myself baffled at the general "attitude" I read about and sometimes experience myself. I suppose the most extreme cases there may be some underlying issues. But the extent to which its become increasingly common is worrying. I feel sorry for parents nowadays.

sounds great houseintheforest , sounds like a system that works well and keeps everyone happy in your home.

The problem is lots of parents do try and put in place something like that - but the opposition is so huge and unreasonable - they end up posting here .

If it were simply a question of commands and consequences it would be alot easier (though I do believe in both of those as well). Of course some parents are too liberal and do lack "backbone" (for want of a better word) until its too late, but sometimes its really not the parents!
I read the other day that a parent has to be the alpha in the pack! and that comment and remark stayed with me!

but still MsSmith's comment remains with me : "It wasn't meant to be cruel - it was meant to signify that we were a family and all have to pull together. There wasn't an option called "no doing it"." Its kind of haunting and hauntingly sad that we seem to have lost this understanding in extremis.

@hunterhal ... think what it will be like in another generation's time - who will be left to set good examples, to teach respect etc. I know there are plenty of decent people about now but the proportion of entitled disrespectful wannabes is at such a level that theirs is becoming the loudest voice. And sadly.. they do themselves a disservice.

Indeed, Msmith.

I went through this phase when I was 13/14, I vaguely remember feeling too exhausted to do anything. I constantly had greasy hair and rewore dirty clothes. I didn't care that my bed sheets and room were dirty. I was so tired!!! Then one day, I snapped out of it and drove my parents crazy with my need for a daily bath and clean clothes!!! Think I would continue to do my kids laundry and bedrooms because the phase won't last long!

You hear of teens like this but I am so very fortunate and grateful not to have yet met one. OP, I am with you on this too, what you request is not too much or difficult at all. This should be standard living practices and instilled in all children.

When we were younger our rooms were our responsibilities, but overall they were still a part of the house so a standard of cleanliness was expected. Myself and my siblings all ensured we did our best because we could see how hard our Mother really worked.

Giving responsibilities to teenagers early on is never a bad thing and should certainly be more common.

Step away, inform her of what you expect and introduce penalties for when she does not follow through.

If she does not wash her clothes, she wears what she has, she will eventually get fed up and take action. She takes the piss because she can and knows you will pick up the slack, change your approach.

Next time your mum says anything, just tell her you don't think your daughter having basic responsibilities is not going to harm her. No need to entertain it further, but you would appreciate if she did not go against you in front of the children as they can use this to their advantage.

Good luck OP!

Yes to all this, except dd doesn’t collect dirty stuff on her floor, because she puts everything in the wash after wearing it for 30 minutes. Sweatshirts, jeans every thing

I have got absolutely no intention of caving in despite my mother!!

We have got a beautiful home minus DD's room. She loves it and often comments on how lovely it is. By the end of Feb every room in the house will have been decorated/carpeted recently ... apart from hers.

I last sorted it out in June if my memory serves me right, she was delighted (and a bit humble tbh). Within a week it was back to its current state. When her friend visited last she didn't take her into her room.

I bought her new furniture last year, really nice quality white painted wood (of her choice), she has got four floor to ceiling built in wardrobes too. There is no excuse at all.

She has just put a load of whites in the washing machine but its just a drop in the ocean really.

I do know that some of my nieces/nephews were like this at certain times.

Reading with interest as I've just had a run in with my dd 13yo over the state of her room!

I've told her we won't be doing anything fun this half term until she has sorted it.

I do do her washing though and I put it away for her as I know it would just be in a heap on the floor otherwise. I personally wouldn't want to see her in dirty clothes, she struggles socially at school and a dirty uniform really wouldn't help.

She has to put the dishes away every day which she does begrudgingly and she does feed and walk the dog more than I do.

She sounds normal but at the PITA stage. She will grow up and get better, and you are right to stand firm - you aren't asking a lot. My DDs did all this stuff at that age and kept their rooms pretty decent (I got lucky, they're easy teens). You aren't unreasonable to ask this.

Weathering the teenage years is all about picking your battles though. She's clearly doing well academically, and at that age I had the same issues you do - lot of last minute homework, a bit slapdash but very good results. It came right in year 10 and they both got great GCSEs.

Good luck with it all, stay firm but fair. (am a single parent too)

YANBU.

I would further reduce screen time as a sanction for her room/not doing laundry.