DD13 horrible with younger siblings

[Attheendofmytether12345]

I'm looking for some advice, as what I'm doing isn't working and we can't go on like this. I have 3 DDs, 13, 10 and 9. None of them get on well, especially DD1 and DD3.
Today DD1 came home and as soon as she came in, she started calling DD3 names and then kicked her in response to something tiny which she thought DD3 may have done (I think it was something like moved her chair too close to DD1). The kick wasn't hard, but DD1 was told to leave the table & take her dinner to the kitchen, where she then proceeded to start calling DD3 names again. I took her dinner away (it was her favourite meal) and sent her upstairs, where she has been since. She then started shouting that DD3 is the favourite and never gets in trouble etc. which is something which she has got into her head and trots out each time she is being punished.
She's only ever like this at home, school think she is an angel, and she's lovely to her friends etc. She's just horrid to her sisters, and her behaviour is getting worse when she's around them.
I'm not sure what else to do, as punishing DD1 doesn't seem to be working and I don't think her lashing out & calling names all the time to her sisters is normal.

This behaviour is completely unacceptable. Your eldest daughter is a bully. You need to lay down some very serious consequences and stick to them. Your poor 9 year old must be miserable.

It does seem like bullying behaviour, but DD3 actively seeks out DD1 and tried to annoy her and she definitely isn't miserable about it all - she tells us immediately and DD1 gets in trouble. DD3 also calls DD1 names and gets in trouble herself, but maybe she's just copying DD1.

Maybe she is envious of DD3 who isn't living with the stress and angst of teenage relationships and secondary school work.

You sound like you are now being defensive of DD1.

You say yourself that none of the girls get on. This isn’t normal. What’s driving this?

You say in your post DD1 came in - called the younger daughter named & kicked her.

This is bullying behaviour.

As above poster says - be clear on consequences for behaviour and stick to it.

Even though DD3 is misbehaving, you think that is DD1's fault?

When DD1 says DD3 gets away with it, seems she might be right.

I don't know what is driving none of them getting on. They are all strong characters, but they fly off the handle over next to nothing. There is some SEN as well, which makes some of their relationships with each other strained, but DD1 & DD3's relationship is much worse that it used to be - they used to play well together, with just the occasional falling out. Now DD1 seems to really dislike DD3 but I don't know why. After the first outburst of 'DD3 is the favourite' I tried to make sure that I was ultra fair in my dealings with them all. I think I do treat them equally, but more is expected of DD1 as she's older, so I suppose that could be seen as favouritism?
I think you're right and we could be more consistent about consequences each and every time there is any name calling etc.

Also, I think DD1 is envious of DD3, as DD3 is very popular, good at sport & very clever without putting in any effort. DD1 has a few good friends and is very kind to others outside the family, but has no confidence socially, isn't sporty, and has to really try hard academically. I'm not sure how to remedy this - we do try to build up her self-esteem.

I have no answers but I have a lot of sympathy for you. We also have three DDs ( and one DS) and since the eldest turned 11-12, they have gone through stage of ganging up with each other.
They were so sweet together when they were younger though.
DD1 is now 17 and she knows it all- apparently I'm a shit parent who doesn't discipline the younger kids well enough but it's basically that I've learnt over the years that it's easier not to get too cross when the kids are upset, and just try and separate them all until things calm down.
At the moment DD2(16) gets on with them all, DD1 and 3 hate each other and DD3(13) and DS (11) are on again/ off again. But there was a time where the other three all seemed to gang up on DD2 and leave her out. I'd be struggling to point the finger of blame at any of them, they can all be as bad as each other!
We have an added complication in that the three youngest are all autistic so a lot of their behaviour is driven by their neurodiversity, and there is no point in punishing them for some things.
It is hard with 3 or more as you are trying to manage the relationships between the kids as well as the kids themselves.
Some days I feel like I'm in one of those maths puzzles, trying to get a fox, a chicken and a sack of grain across a river safely!

Five - thanks for letting me know how things are with your children. I know exactly what you mean about the fox, chicken and grain!
I think we're going to speak to all the children and put some firm ground rules and consequences in place for name calling / hitting etc. tomorrow.

I wrote a long post to this but it has vanished when I had to put my phone down

Essentially I was DD3. My sister was relentless towards me, merciless, and yes, I did try and wind her up from time to time but it was to get back at her for how vile she was.

I was a bit younger than your DD3 and was basically used as an emotional punching bag /whipping boy whilst my sister was in puberty.

I only recently realised with quite a shock that for much of the worst of it, she was a fully grown adult doing this to a schoolgirl.

In retrospect my DMs way of handling it just deepened the divide as she would reward my sister with time without me, and, even now treads eggshells around her.

You need to work on their bond and then having positive experiences together or you'll end up like my DM with two adult daughters with no relationship who can't bear to be around each other.

I don't want my sister to have a bad life, but I'd rather never see her in mine as my own view of her is that she has zero redeemable qualities and I despise her.

This sort of total breakdown doesn't happen overnight, so you do have time to turn things around.

I think sometimes siblings just don't get on and they may well grow up and not have much of a relationship. But I would expect them to be civil to each other. DD1 may need time alone after school away from her sisters and if she can't be civil then she needs to go upstairs. But I would also send younger ones upstairs if they were winding her up too. I think it may just be the case of accepting that, for now at least, they don't like each other and it is a case of pushing the be civil or remove yourself from the situation angle rather than thinking they will play together etc. I know that when my mother tried to get me and my sibling to bond it was an absolute disaster, we didn't want to spend time together.

I will say though, I don't think her dinner should have been removed. I really disagree with tying food to either reward or punishment.

Is DD3 punished for winding her sister up?