16 year old out of control- desperate

[Pebstk]

Hi I am looking for some advice about my son. He is 16 -17 soon. For the past three years we have been through a living hell with him. It started at 13 getting involved with a wide variety of drugs. He eventually got expelled from school. His actions included regular school refusal, going missing overnight, constant stream of drugs and trying to deal them, stealing from us and shops, significant violence to both his father and I ( we have also both lost our temper with him in face of his behaviour and struck him - he is bigger than both of us and we have never hurt him - he has left us both badly bruised), smoking dope in our house, destroying things. We have frequently had to call the police because of his sustained violence and for example not letting us out of house. He has then attacked police. We have tried tough love leaving him in the children’s secure unit for a week on two occasions to dry out and reflect. No impact just hates us for locking him up. He thinks nothing of calling of us vile names. If he doesn’t get his way he basically doesn’t give up - he is unfortunately now bigger and stronger than his dad. We have given him chance after chance and brought him back each time but my mental health is really suffering and I genuinely don’t no how to go on. My mum had had him in the past but now refused to. It has all caused a chasm in our relationship as she is very judgemental. My heart is broken. We were a nice middle class family and I have a good job. We have other younger children and they are fine in the main - usual teenage: child stuff but they have endured so much. I am so ashamed and despairing . I hate people knowing what we are. I have made so many mistakes - I have a bad temper and shout too much and so does my husband and I feel so bad for contacting the police but we were on the hole ok parents to our son before this - holidays, parties, treats, lots of Xmas and birthday presents etc. My son detests us both now. Social services have been involved through us contacting them. But he has refused any engagement - won’t get out of bed to even speak to them. If we say we cannot have him here anymore - they say they will present him as homeless and he will be put in a supervised hostel as he isn’t suitable for foster care- they will also get a care order. I feel so desperately ashamed that I would put my son in that situation. We have no family to lean on and I am too embarrassed to tell friends the extent. I have no idea where to turn.

I wish I had some wise advice, but can only offer sympathy - and hope that a comment bumps the thread so someone more helpful sees if.

I rarely leave messages but you sound so desperate and sad in your post that I wanted to at least offer my sympathy, even though I too don't have any advice except perhaps to try to be kind to yourself whenever you can, and not to blame yourself for your son's behaviour, though I know that is very hard to do.

It sounds terrible for you. Is there any idea why he is so disturbed/difficult?

If sounds horrendous but if you have younger children you need to protect them from this. Your son has made some very bad choices and should now experience consequences. If it means a hostel so be it...as long as he knows he can come back if he stops taking drugs and goes back to school..

Is he still school refusing?
If not, what is his behaviour like in school?
If so, what are school doing to re engage him?

I'm so sorry for you. In your shoes I would give him a stark choice between engage with social services and attempt a fresh start at home or go in a hostel. You have other children and your own sanity to consider. He doesn't get to be aggressively violent and have no consequences.I would not remain in an abusive relationship with anyone...not even my own child. And I would hold my head up to everyone else and say "we love him and did everything we could.Sadly his choices mean we've had to think what is best for the whole family - not just the one determined to sabotage all attempt to help him."

There has to be consequences of his actions. What reason does he have to change OP? Does his vile behaviour mean you give him to him?

Time to say 'no more', you have younger children to protect. Tell CSC he cannot stay, they will do and say everything they can to get you to keep him at home but it's way past that.

He will be accommodated under Section 20 and be a Child in Need. Do this soon, he's 16, the order he gets the more difficult it is to get services involved.

It's not easy but continuing to try and reason with him is not working. He needs to see you are serious in protecting your children and yourselves and will no longer tolerate this behaviour.

I’d let him go to the hostel. He’ll be an adult in just over a year.

He s clearly very troubled so having him live elsewhere is your on ly option. Get him somewhere now some therapeutic intervention. Once he turns 18 it will be adult services and even more difficult
Have you had family therapists working with you?

Honestly, let him go to the hostel. It is what is best fir you all. Including him. I've no person experience, but I've seen people who we knew we'll go through similar in the past. Roll forward a few years & every one of those kids is now an adult & doing well in life & have great relationships with their families. Sometimes things have to collapse completely, before you can put them back together & fix it. Protect your younger family & self. He needs this as much as you do, & will be fine in the end

You poor thing, here’s a hand hold I’m a firm believer that anyone can change and I am sure your son is no exception. He needs a major intervention, but something done with love and not something that will make him feel like an outcast. Have you all tried family therapy?

I honestly can’t say I’ve been in your shoes but the idea of sending my son to a hostel just doesn’t sit right. I haven’t lived your life though. But I really don’t think you should give up just yet - mainly because who knows what his life will become if he leaves.

If he won’t get out of bed for SS, then he will probably be unwilling to meet a therapist. Have one come to the house if you can. Wait until he’s up and about anyway. And try really hard not to give up until he’s ready to talk and work on things. I really really do feel for all of you x

Hello,
This is really saddest thing I read today. I can only offer my sympathy and hope that time offers a solution. Have you observed company he is keeping and may be try to bring him into a more sober circle of friends.?
Anything he says in anger which tells you ways to build bridges?
Try to strike a conversation when things are not tense. Record him when he is at bhis worst to show him later. I dont know .. but this definitely has to change for your wellbeing and others in home.

Thank you so much for all your kind words. Education is the one positive overall - after my son got chucked out of expensive school 2 years ago - I got him into a really good secondary and despite really poor70 per cent attendance and a constant battle to get him there, and no work- he got nine good GCSEs in August - all nearly As and Bs (still use grades not numbers in NI). He is back doing A Levels - attendance is poor still and school making threats about putting him out if doesn’t improve ( statutory school leaving age is 16 in NI so they are under no obligation to keep him) but I think if he we can keep him in education it is the key to change. He struggled massively with behaviour at post primary resulting in us having to take him away due to alcohol and drugs etc . Don’t know why our son is so unhappy - relatively normal if definitely not perfect childhood- no major traumas - parents who argued a bit much but not too extreme and bit bad tempered etc as younger children to deal with but again nothing really extreme just family - looking back seems idyllic compared to last three years. His dad is older and definitely a bit distant and traditional not mates type or right on if you know what I mean and he is definitely embarrassed his dad is older. He struggles with empathy, consequences and emotions in normal way so I have long suspected maybe some sort of ASD but total lack of engagement with therapists etc. My mum has offered to pay for private treatment on numerous occasions but he just refuses. But having said all that he was a generally fine wee boy and a lot of these issues started with drugs. We also reacted very badly to drug use going off the Deep end and caused a huge rift. We were so worried he would kill himself and it was so shocking to my husband and I. We are going to give it one last go and have the conversation with him re no more abuse. Other positive is not been violent to my husband or I for a while and seems to have turned corner on that. Post who said he has gotten what he wants from acting out is probably right- we have tried so hard to be firm and impose boundaries but he is bigger and stronger and simply breaks every boundary we set - school, drugs, time keeping etc - we have literally dragged him from bed for school to no avail, reported him missing to police etc - so it is very difficult - as I said he doesn’t seem to get normal rules and consequences. I am feeling a bit stronger today and think we can go on a bit- i really appreciate the advice and kindness.

Does your son still want to live in the family home? What are his plans for college or work? A move to semi independent accommodation may be a good move it social care are offering it.

I didn't need to read any further than the top 8 lines or so before I was thinking Aspergers/ASD. He sounds to be really struggling, getting really overwhelmed & going into meltdown at home, which all comes across as bad behaviour. He's self medicating with drugs too. I'd suggest speaking to the Autistic Society & post in the SN board here on how to get him assessed & hopefully some tips on how to deal with it better, it sounds so unhealthy for you all

my daughter was like this at that age

all i can say is there were definitely no aspergers/adhd etc but she did eventually grow out of this

police and youth offending team were excellent and now looking back, we do laugh at it all

Just an idea, something I've seen when a biker friend with autism befriended a lad that sounds similar to your own & I know from my Dad was happening with our local youth club too.

Maybe think of adults you might know with ASD, look around the arty, alternative & science types, if you don't actually know who if anyone you know is diagnosed. Find someone your DS would see as cool, who can related to what he's coping with & let them lead him into seeking a diagnosis & understanding how accepting help & learning coping techniques can make his life a lot easier

You have my every sympathy.
Counselling won't help him. He has to want it. Like offering an alcoholic help.

I have every sympathy. No one understands what having a difficult child is like, how it breaks you, unless you yourself are someone who has had a difficult child.

I knew a teenaged girl similar to your son.
She regularly hit her mother.
She finally called the police. Her daughter went absolutely mad when they arrived and smashed furniture so they handcuffed her.
The parents were devastated at having called the police but it showed their daughter that her behaviour was unacceptable.
She is having online tuition now and attending a Family centre to have one to one cookery lessons.
The centre is church run.