My daughters friend wants to live with us

[GreenMum37]

Hi,
Looking for some advice, my daughters best friend turns 16 in Dec & wants to leave home & live with us. She is very unhappy at home with a mentally ill Mum & Dad who is just trying to keep it together. Social services where involved as where the school but the case has been closed. She is reluctant to make anymore noise about her situation (it’s not got any better) as she said her life at home was unbearable when they were being investigated & now just wants to leave home. I’ve done some searches on the rights of a 16yr old, looks like they can move out. I’m not sure what I’ll be facing when this happens, anyone got experience of this? We just want her to feel safe & be happy & are happy to support her anyway we can.

Hi. I have taken the n a relatives child in similar circumstances. We were asked to do so by Children’s Services. It is to the child’s advantage if she becomes a looked after child. She will have ongoing financial support up to the age of 25 if still in education. Also, the school will receive a pupil premium and you will also be able to get some money. More importantly for the child she will be able to refuse when, inevitably, the manipulation begins from her parents.
Other posters are absolutely right that your own children may feel put out or neglected, and the child will need her own room. Your family relationships will change, you can’t be so relaxed about bathrooms, nudity, sex, with another nonfamily member in the house. The responsibility is also more onerous around issues like staying out late, alcohol and drug use, relationships. It seems this child has been neglected for some time, and inevitably there will be issues, that may not yet be apparent. Our troubled teen was deeply detached and numb at first, remote and unresponsive, and just wanting to hide in their room, as they thawed, there were some very surprising triggers, the word “fit” for example throws up extreme reactions.
Most people would probably agree that the biggest difficulties are often in dealing with birth parents, we have had insults, threats, begging letters, suicide notes, and attempts, hospitalisation, harassment ,false allegations, and so has the child. We stopped Contact to protect our selves, but found a way for the child’s contact to continue until they told us they didn’t want it..
You may not want to involve the local authority, but I really think they should be told everything and you should insist on their help. You may well find that you need it.
On the plus side, 2 years in , our kid is doing really well, and we know we have made a difference.

Slightly different situation but we had one of my DSC come to live with us full time at a similar age due to not getting on with his mum. It worked out really well and he got his life back on track during the year. I became very fond of him and he also got on really well with my younger DD.

The one thing I'd say to avoid though is any type of 50-50 type timeshare. We did that the initially with my DSS (and his sister) and it didn't work well. It further weakened their relationship with their mum and neither she nor us was really on top of their lives. Lots of things got dropped. The following year DSS was with us full time and DSD went back to being with her mum in the week and both were much happier. Teens do need one person who knows what's going on in their lives.

These stories bring home to me how many lovely people there are in the world!

What makes me angry and quite frankly, puzzled, is why some (birth) parents think they can just let someone else take care of their child without contributing financially or making a significant effort to provide a stable home themselves e.g, they've got a "new" family and there's no place in it for their child. It boggles my mind.

That's sort of what's happened to my DD"s friend - her Dad has remarried and doesn't really want her around at all; Mum means well but can't acknowledge that some of the rows, etc. are caused by her own behaviour, which isn't always reasonable. Plus she clearly favours a younger sibling. It's such a mess.

Thank you for your candidness & advice. We have a spare room for her & my husband & I both work, so money isn’t a problem, we aren’t worried about that. It’s a big commitment & not something we are taking lightly. My husband & I are united on this, we just can't sit back & ignore this situation, we are seeing a distressed child & need to do something. The school were in contact with me today, looks like things have escalated & social services are getting back involved so I hope this is the start of some hope for this girl.

I'm posting on this thread again because we've had an unfortunate incident regarding the 15-year-old who wants to live with us and I don't know what to do.

So I agreed to have her stay for a few days as her Mum wanted to take her younger sibling away (their school was closed for two professional days). At first, her Dad at first agreed to have her and then suddenly refused. This is typical of him, he doesn't really want the poor girl around.

Anyway, she's staying and last night I smelt something as I went upstairs...she had brought a joint with her and was introducing DD(14) to weed. I rushed in and asked what they were up to - they denied it at first but DD then told me. She said they were both responsible as she'd agreed to try it.

We have a strict no drinking, smoking or drugs policy with our DC (until they're adults) and up to now, I've trusted them not to do any of this. I'm so disappointed in DD and upset that her friend brought drugs into our house.

I'm not sure what to do. Obviously she has to stay here until her Mum returns and I don't want to get her Dad involved as he tends to lose his temper and will make her life miserable.

I want to help this girl and protect my DD. 21 is the legal age for both drinking and smoking here and doing either underage is really frowned upon, it would have serious consequences.

What should I do going forward?

Hi. I think that this may be timely. I’m sure that you have made it plain to both children that this is very concerning. I think you need to be very clear that you can’t be any more than an occasional support to this girl. Sounds harsh, but that is quite young to be experimenting with weed.

@GreenMum37 how are things have you taken her in

Amicrazyorwhat2

House rules are house rules I'm afraid this would be a deal breaker for me

She’d be out I’m afraid crazy.
You need to protect your own kids before you help
Someone elses.

Personally I wouldn't .
Ss will be informed because it's a private foster arrangement where a non related minor is living with you.
Do you really want that hassle?

I wish I had done something like this.My son had a friend that we met at 12 . It was even then obvious that he was somewhat neglected.So had him stay over , stay for dinner etc.
He then get caught up in his family dysfunctional behaviour, drinking, drugs. And distanced himself from my son and us.

By the time he was 15 , he obviously had problems , expelled for drugs
Even ended up homeless and I met him outside a supermarket begging . He has shown up at my house periodically, been offered a meal, etc.

It is heartbreaking to think that perhaps I should have offered to take him in , as a vulnerable schoolboy , to help him. I will always wonder if early intervention would have made any difference to his life.

I know it may be hard , but if you can make your home am option for this girl , I absolutely would.

Does SS provide any support in these situations ? Not financial, but therapy, advice for you etc?

In my local area there has been a massive advertising push on reporting informal fostering arrangements to SS. I'm guessing for them to check it out or place the child with an official foster carer. Just prepare for that also but think you're a lovely, kind person.

Really I have nothing to add, because you've had such good advice. It's really heart warming to see this support, as a relatively new Mumsnet member. I think if either of my boys had a friend in the same situation, I'd want to be as kind as you.

My DS17 was telling me yesterday that a girl in his year has been thrown out by her parents who are very strict muslims and dont approve of her going out or having male friends. She has moved in with a boy she is friends with who is clearly a good guy (not her boyfriend). This now means he doesn't feel he can go to parties or get togethers that she's not invited to. Thats tough - more like a guest than part of the family. But then it is quite recent.

I think I would be very cautious and perhaps not agree to her actually moving in, but say she is welcome to stay over for say 2 nights during the week, and some weekends. Perhaps the bigger question is what your DD thinks, does she really want to spend 24/7 with her friend?