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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Older man upset my daughter after leering at her

50 replies

LMmum · 11/10/2019 10:44

Hi all,
I know its going to happen and its inevitable but i was with my 14 year old daughter in a coffee shop and waiting for our coffees when this middle aged man comes in places his order then decides to openly leer at my daughter. He would have only been a metre away. I know its human nature to look even though it made my skin crawl. It was the look on my daughters face though when he finally stopped staring she went from feeling and looking confident to red faced verging on tears, head hanging down and slumped shoulders. I stepped in front of his view so he couldnt look any longer. I didnt say anything to her about it. I dont know if i should. She is a level headed, intelligent girl. I dont know how to help her in this situation any ideas?

OP posts:

ohtheholidays · 11/10/2019 15:42

It started happening to me when I was 11 and sadly it still happens to me now I'm 44 and I bloody hate it,it makes my skin crawl.

My Mum was pretty useless at speaking up for me and I can still remember as a vunerable child how that felt so I always stick up for my DD's,my older DD tells them herself now as well which I'm really proud of her for.

Both of my DDS have been getting the same since they were around 11,they're now 16 and 12 and I pull up any sleeze I see doing this to my DD's,I've had to do it a couple of times with a couple of my DS's when women that were old enough to be they're Mothers were leering over them,behaving ridiculously and trying to chat them up so though it's rarer thank God women sometimes do the leering too.

Greenglassteacup · 11/10/2019 15:44

I would have asked what he was staring at, the disgusting fucker

Kanga83 · 11/10/2019 15:44

@Hoppinggreen that's actually a very good point and not one I had actually considered in my original comment.

cometothinkofit · 11/10/2019 15:46

Either "Can I help you?" or "Excuse me... why are you looking at my child?" will do in this situation.

Or of course, "Take your eyes off my daughter, you pervert".

Velveteenfruitbowl · 11/10/2019 15:46

Teach her to glare back. I had this (a lot, way way way too much) as a young teen. The first few times I was embarrassed. Then I got annoyed once and gave the creep my most dead faced ‘I may murder you but you wouldn’t know it because I’m a psycho’ glare and haven’t allowed it to happen unpunished every since.

It’s short of an open confrontation (and much easier for that reason) and it’s also quite empowering to be able to defend yourself by simply looking threatening.

littlepaddypaws · 11/10/2019 15:48

he probably wouldn't care if she was 10 or 20, it's still pervy.

rededucator · 11/10/2019 15:48

When saying her age definitely use the word 'child' "She's a 14 year old CHILD." This automatically makes people think 'pedo'.

MeetLoaf · 11/10/2019 15:50

I don't get on particularly well with my mom but throughout my teens when men leered at me she would stand cross-armed, legs shoulder width apart and loudly ask men "What are you looking at?"

I'm thankful to her for that. She showed me that my body wasn't/isn't public property, that it's okay to call out men's disgusting behaviour, and that she had my back.

Step up for your daughter.

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 11/10/2019 15:53

I was out shopping with my Mum the other week and she muttered 'dirty old man, staring at my daughter like that...'

I'm 43

for your DD OP.

Cocolapew · 11/10/2019 15:55

Call them out, every time. I've had to do it for my DD2 since she was 11. She's 18 now and has started to get the confidence to do it herself.

Cocolapew · 11/10/2019 15:57

Haha that will be me ItsJustTheOneSwan

MonChatEstMagnifique · 11/10/2019 16:06

I was out shopping with my Mum the other week and she muttered 'dirty old man, staring at my daughter like that...'

I'm 43

You're mum sounds great.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 11/10/2019 16:06

Your not you're

dottiedodah · 11/10/2019 16:07

This happened to my Mum many years ago when out with my Nan ,Mum was well endowed and was unfortunate enough to have dirty old men leering at her .While out at the cinema a man kept touching her leg ,she told my Nan who stood up in the crowded Cinema and shrieked " Get off her you filthy swine"! Lights came up and he scuttled off full speed .Sadly still little no respect for women /girls!

LightandShadows · 11/10/2019 16:09

Shes 12 you pervert said very loudly tends to work

user1480880826 · 11/10/2019 16:10

It is not just human nature. Don’t make excuses for it. You have to call it out or it will never get better. If you do it it might save the next young girl from having to put up with it. Don’t let your daughter see you just accepting it.

Djimino · 11/10/2019 16:12

I’d have said something. I think it can be more effective to approach the pervy twats with faux concern rather than aggression. If you go straight for giving them a mouthful then it can make the situation too nasty too quickly. Id ask them politely to be careful not to stare at young women as it can make them feel creeped out and unsafe. I’d also add that it’s also possible that other people will notice them staring and think they are being pervy.
I think it is natural to check out other other people but only a pervy idiot would check out a school child.

My gilds used to get comments and wolf whistles when they were younger teens and while they were wearing school uniform. It’s absolutely revolting.

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 11/10/2019 16:38

MonChat she's fab

cometothinkofit · 11/10/2019 17:05

Id ask them politely
I bloody wouldn't - I'd tell them in no uncertain terms.

user1498572889 · 11/10/2019 17:09

I often used to have to shout at men when my daughters were young. Used to make me furious.

mbosnz · 11/10/2019 18:24

I'm buggered if I'm going to be polite when they're being so revoltingly rude. Stuff them.

Djimino · 12/10/2019 01:16

I'd generally be 'polite' if it were in a cafe or somewhere similar because being too confrontational can be more trouble than it's worth. Chances are the leery perv will just deny they were doing anything. Calmly pointing out that they were staring and that makes them look like a pervy creep is easier. It very much depends on the situation though. I'm more than happy to be as confrontational as anyone in some situations.

managedmis · 12/10/2019 01:20

'Yes???'

Usually works

If they persist and you don't mind swearing in front of your kids 'what in actual fuck are you looking at??' would work also.

OkPedro · 12/10/2019 01:22

My daughter is 10, walking home from school a man about 70 walked passed us but made a point of turning around stopping and staring at her bum. I let out such a roar he nearly jumped out of his skin. I didn’t say a word but he fuckn knew i had clocked him. If dd had been out of sight I would have given him such a kick in the cock
Saying nothing isn’t an option
😡😡😡

Designerenvy · 13/10/2019 16:28

That's awful OP. I really don't know how I would have reacted. I'm not a confrontational person either.
I have a 12 year old DD, and after reading these comments, I feel I may be better able to deal with a situation like this , should it ever arise .
Thanks for asking the asking the question .
I think you should now have an open chat with your Dd and tell her that what that man did was unacceptable and that it will , most probably happen again.....but that she had nothing to feel ashamed of.
Teach her that this is not normal human nature, its degrading and unacceptable.
It's such a shame that women / young girls are treated this way.

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