Guilt about historical abuse by a family member

[Lucysmum15]

A year ago, my 20 year old son confided in my and his dad (my ex-husband) that he had been abused sexually by his paternal grandfather. The abuse had gone on over a period of years between the ages of approximately 10 and 12 and involved skin to skin contact. As soon as we knew, we broke all contact with the gparents involved. My ex-husband challenged his father about the allegations, by phone (they are not local to us) and he hung up. His wife then range back and said 'what has he done?' and my ex-husband told her. She then hung up. We understand from my ex-sister-in-law that the abuser has admitted his actions (not sure what extent has been admitted) and his wife has decided to stay with him (somewhat incredibly).

I have a daughter too. She is five years younger than her brother. At the time of her brother being brave enough to admit what had happened, I spoke with her and told her that something had happened between her grandfather and her brother. No specifics were mentioned but there was no doubt that it had been a bad thing, that her brother had been very brave and that we were going to have no more contact with the parties involved. I asked if anything had happened to her, anything that had made her uncomfortable, anything 'wrong' and she said that nothing had happened. I helped her block contact, and indeed no attempt at contact has been made from the adults involved.

My ex-sister-in-law has two boys. They are now 15 and 13. She knows what has happened to my son and has discussed with her boys and believes they were not abused in any way. She has chosen not to tell her husband (!) as she is scared that he will not be able to control his temper. I have no contact with her.

My daughter told me on Sunday evening that she had been abused by her paternal grandfather. She discussed specifics that were individual to her and not similar to her brother, but which also featured skin to skin contact. She was so sorry that she hadn't said anything before, and I reassured her that she was brave and I was proud of her. I spoke to my ex-husband and he and I went to the police on Monday morning and reported the abuse. Because my son was an adult at the time of his admission, he made the decision not to make a statement or to prosecute his family member as he did not want to bear the responsibility of the impact of that prosecution. As my daughter is a minor, I have made that decision for her and I am supported by my ex-husband, and my son has made the decision to make a statement. Both children will be doing video interviews with the police next weekend.

I feel very very guilty. I feel like I missed it. I missed it when my son was a boy, when my daughter was young, when my son told me last year, and I didn't see that my daughter had been affected too. I missed it. It always happened in our home. We invited these monsters in. I didn't know that bedtime storytime with their grandfather had become something to be feared, and we as parents promoted it. I didn't know that he was abusing them with his wife in the room when they went up to their gparents bedroom in the morning to play with toys while they as our guests had a coffee. My children and I now live somewhere else and my ex-husband still lives in the former marital home. The children do not enjoy staying there (not a surprise) and I am glad they have a new environment in which to feel safe.

I feel as if I've let them down and I don't know how I'm ever going to feel any different. Please take care of your children.

God I wish I'd had you as my mother.

When it was disclosed to my mother that her father had been sexually abusing me, there were 4 key points in her approach to this:

1. If only the town had had prostitutes this wouldn't have happened.
2. She'd been sexually abused too. It couldn't have been as bad as hers.
3. Did I have any idea how hard this was for her?
4. DON'T tell your father.
5. Tying in with number 4 was that I was still in daily contact with my grandfather, unsupervised, because of course - Dad was not to know!

OP, please don't beat yourself up. Of course you weren't on the lookout for your children's grandparents to sexually assault and abuse your children! You had no reason to believe they would.

You have believed and supported your children. You have given them the strength to report the abuse.

You have given your extended family the information they need to keep their children safe. If they do not use that information wisely - that is on them.

You have taken care of your children. Monsters don't always look like monsters, or have a label saying 'monster' to let us know they're not to be trusted. As parents we can't always stop bad things happening to our kids. When we can't, we can love them, support them, and get them the help and tools they need to heal and grow in strength and self belief.

Y

Thank you @mbosnz for being so kind. I just wish I had picked it up so so much earlier

I wish my mother had been like you too. Please don't destroy yourself with guilt which should not be yours. Your children know it wasn't your fault and will know how loved they are through your amazing support now. They're so lucky to have you.

Of course you wish you had picked it up earlier. Hell, you wish the sick bastard had never done it in the first place! (Scuse French). You have not in any way, shape or form, failed your children. The monster under the bed is virtually impossible to spot. And so much harder to protect our children from, than the monster lurking outside the front door.

Incidentally, kudos to your ex-husband as well. Not easy for him to have to face about his father, and his mother, and it sounds like he's been fully supportive and protective of the children as well.

Sorry, just to add to that.

I do not hold my mother at all, in any way, shape or form, responsible for my grandfather abusing her. She was not to know her father was an abuser. How could she be expected to stop what she would never have, in her worst nightmares, conceived of?

On the heels of that follows - you are not in any way, shape or form (or your husband) responsible for his father abusing your children. You were not to know he was an abuser. How could you be expected to stop what you would never, in your worst nightmares, have conceived of?

I hold Mum responsible for her piss-poor response when she found out. Somewhat tempered by the fact that she had a very traumatic childhood in many ways, which warped her notions of what constitutes adequate or good parenting as opposed to 'well you survived didn't you? It never did me any harm, you'll be fine'. . .

And that it was a very different time, with very different norms, and also very different knowledge about sexual abuse, let alone resources, awareness and understanding.

You should be very proud of how you have responded - you have been calm, supportive, loving, researching every avenue of support and help to enable healing as you all go forward.

You've also done everything you can to stop the cycle of abuse and to make it hard if not impossible to offend so easily in the future. The one time I really saw pain on Mum's face about this was when I told her I knew for a fact he'd gone on to abuse again.

I'll shut up and go away now.

All the best to you and your very smart, strong, brave, and much loved and supported children. With you in their corner, I'm sure they'll come out fine!

Thank you for your words and your honesty. Please don’t feel you have to shut up and go away!

I believed my children immediately and did what I could to protect them. Just feel now I could have done and seen more.

I appreciate you being kind about my response - trust me, I want to be violent and abusive and unpleasant!

You have your kids' back. They both felt able to tell you, and are cooperating with the steps you have taken. They clearly trust you enormously.

Of course you wish it hadn't happened. Of course you wish you'd seen something. But people who abuse are very clever at making everything seem normal. It isn't your fault.