Just started caring for teenage boy - advice needed

[LKAB]

My 16 year old half brother is now living with me thanks to some messed up family circumstances. He's a decent kid but has issues with depression and anger management. So far things are going okay but I'd like some advice on how to get him to do chores, tidy his room and general teen management! Feels like I've been thrown in at the deep end and all I keep hearing in my head is the same lame phrases my parents used on me when I was young. "if you see something needs doing, just do it. Don't wait to be asked" that kind of thing. I don't want to turn into a nagging parent type but some idea of how to help him grow towards being a responsible adult would be good.

You'll have to treat him a lot more like an adult & a sibling than as your ward. Negotiation.

What chores do you need him to do?

Can you make a list of things that affect YOU, so then explain why they need doing in a certain way to not be a problem to you. Like not leaving dishes out (yucky clutter), or dishes in his room (attract pests) or having a stinky room. Perhaps you work full time and he could do things to help with the cooking or the cleaning. Get him to agree that you should not be his skivvy. Then ask him how he would like to go about making sure these things aren't problems. What plan can he come up with that he will stick with to be a nice housemate.

You can have a chat about how you can't make him study but you would appreciate it if he can try at school so that you don't feel guilty that you didn't somehow make him achieve his best.

Most kids rise to low-risk responsibility. Try to angle that in.

From my experience with teenage boys (and I note that not all are the same) mine would seriously flounder if I told him to 'see what needs doing and do it'', my daughter could do that no problem, but my teenage boy doesn't necessarily 'see' it in the first place. I find that if I leave him lists, or explain explicitly what needs to be done by when, that works much better. Even more so with some sort of incentive!
If he has anger management issues, then it's vital that you talk to him only when he is calm, and in a relatable way. More of an honest chat and a how can we approach this together to solve a problem kind of a way, as opposed to a parent/child/paternalistic kind of a way. If you see things escalating and he's struggling, then wait to have that chat when he's calmer, but don't ignore it altogether.

I would make a list and schedule, I would also have times each week where you do a low key activity and chat can occur - it could be a tv programme you both like, you could play cards, perhaps sit over a meal a bit longer but opportunities to allow him to express his worries and concerns without any confrontation

You'll need to be specific with him not vague.
Start small.
No food in your room
Stack the dishwasher as you go(or wash up)

Don't nag, state your expectations.
Talk to him about what he thinks is fair, what is he happy to do?

What are you happy to help him with?

Good luck.

See if you can find him an explorer scout group to join

I have 2 teen boys

Being very specific is best:
“Can you unpack dishwasher right now?”
“ can you walk the dog before supper?”
“If you tidy up your room now, I’ll bring you the hoover up”
“ dinner is in 10 mins, can you and your brother wash up tonight?”

The room tidy and hoovering is every sunday afternoon, so they anticipate it now, same with dishwasher and other chores.

I guess I do nag/remind a fair bit, but lots of things are habit now.

I find taking a friendly, adult approach is more productive than an authoritarian attitude.

But everyone has to find their own style

Thank you, these are great ideas. I've already discussed some things - the idea we came up with was that if one of us cooks the other does the washing up. However he keeps saying he's got a headache and needs to lie down so I've ended up doing the washing up but I'm not sure if I'm doing the wrong thing by giving him lee-way like this? Especially as he seems to be gaming online rather than having a lie down 😅. I'm thinking of getting a board to write down meal ideas, where we're both going to be for the week and any chores. The set time at the weekend for cleaning sounds like a really good idea too.

Just the 2 of you?

Yes, keep it small and basic to start with. Shower daily, hoover room weekly, no food in bedroom and strip bed fortnightly.

Let him have input into meals you can cook together. Pick things that don't use 1,000 pots and pans. For now I'd wash the dishes. Just until he settles in but explain that's only temporary.

Teen boys are lovely. Well done you
Decide at this stage what your absolute minimum is from him and which battles you will pick or wont. Spell out very clearly (both for him and yourself) what these are and be pleasantly surprised if you get more than this but frankly don't expect him to assume he should start helping with housework unless you make it clear. Teens can be remarkably self centred and oblivious to moral obligation if it involves doing something boring.
Think about:
Is his bedroom his own space that you never enter or do you expect him to keep it clean and tidy for public inspection? (My minimum with my teens was no food in their rooms and they changed their own bed linen but I never went in or complained about the absolute mess if they kept the door shut).
Do you expect him to wash his own clothes and do his own ironing? (Hint: if you do this for him once he may develop an learned incapacity and expect it from you forevermore) . If you decide you want him to do his own, teach him how a few times and then leave him to it. If he cant be bothered then you have to stand back and watch him go out crumpled.
Decide what shared household tasks there will be. Do you want him to take turns cooking? Emptying dishwasher? Hoovering? Taking out the bins? Cutting the grass? Walking the dog? If you don't tell him and show him it wont happen. If you do tell him it might but wont every time you want it to.

What are your rules about internet? Phones at night? Friends over? Doing nothing except gaming? Girlfriend/ boyfriends staying? Time he has to be in? Letting you know if he's going to be late? Swearing? Smoking? Drinking? Drugs? ALL of these will happen. Best that he knows now what your red lines are.

Good luck

The rules part is one of my biggest worries. At the moment I've started small with asking him to let me know if he's meeting friends, tell me where he's going and to be home by ten at the latest. I've agreed to extend it to eleven on Friday/Saturday night. He was in boarding school until he finished his GCSEs so he's led a fairly sheltered life. Think that finding friends with similar interests and being able to go into Manchester easily is a big shiny new thing for him at the moment so I'm trying not to restrict him too much. I don't really know what boundaries I should put in place or how to enforce them since I don't really have any authority. I do try and treat him like an adult and we discuss things rather than me dictating but I'm conscious that routine and discipline might be good for him too.

If he's been at boarding school he's used to a very structured and controlled environment. Treating him as an adult could be difficult for him to adjust to and I wouldn't really expect him to be able to behave with adult self discipline immediately.

Is he going to college?

Yep, he's doing psychology, maths and economics A levels at a college just round the corner from our flat.
I know it's a really big change for him and for me too - he's never really had a place to call home and I want to make sure he gets it now. He's fairly independent but you're right that he's used to a structured environment. Trying to work out how to balance giving him structure and boundaries without taking away from his freedom. Part of the difficulty is that with our family situation neither of us has a frame of reference for what proper parenting should look like outside of television and movies.

Well, you are very kind to be this caring adult for him so that is a good start for both of you.

There is no rule book, i only discovered my parenting style by doing it.

Your home times sound reasonable, my 17 yr old is back by 10, 11 at weekends. He grumbles but I say I worry when he is not back, not because I don’t trust him, but because other people can be drunk/pick a fight/gang up etc.

He has a girlfriend (first) and I wonder if I need to have another sex talk I don’t know! Us parents don’t have all the answers either. If you start from a place of goodwill, you can work things out together imo

Good luck. He’s lucky to have you

If he "has a headache and needs to lie down" then that means an early night and no gaming. And he needs to do the washing up before he eats again. Negotiations only work if one party isn't taking the piss.

I think negotiations are the key.
Show him all the jobs that need to be doing and ask him what jobs he could take on and then discuss the times to do this.

With screen time, ask him what he thinks is a reasonable amount of time for screens a day and see what he comes up.

Explorer scouts is a good idea as is any other extra curricular. Get him to do something sporty if you can.

Negotiations and structure. Once the agreement is made you don't get to renegotiate every little detail when you're tired/ lazy/ grumpy

If you can find a car journey to go on I find it a good time to discuss things with DSS (16) - it takes the pressure off both of you to not be sat concentrating on each other whilst you chat things through.

Also, there's a few tv shows that we watch together some evenings when DH is away and DS (6) is in bed - they're mainly not the sort of thing I'd choose to watch by myself (apart from GBBO which I appreciate might not be every teenage boys cup of tea!), but it's nice to have something to do together.

If he's been in boarding school I'm going to guess he had to do quite a bit of sport? Has he joined a team near you or at college? I think it would help with making local friends and add some structure to weekends.

Make sure he knows if there is a limit on your internet or you may run up extra costs!