Over anxious 13 year old DS, do we push or leave him be?

[Monr0e]

I have posted about DS before and received helpful advice. He is 13 and has always been a bit of a worrier. As he is getting older this is becoming more obvious particularly in relation to social situations and stepping outside his comfort zone.

He is in year 9 now. After a couple of rocky first 2 years at secondary he is starting to appear more settled and has a friendship group within school and is doing really well. However he flat out refuses to socialise or meet with anyone outside of school. Any invites are turned down. This time though it is one of his closest friends birthdays he has been invited to. He has arranged a sleepover at his home, there will be 6 boys altogether, all of whom DS knows well and gets on with. Initially he seemed excited about it but last night he started talking about how he didn't want to go, he hated sleepovers (true) he didn't trust a couple of the boys but wouldn't elaborate on this.

The problem is the birthday boy is probably one of his closest friends at school. He lives round the corner and we know his parents. He would probably be offended if DS said he just didn't want to go. And I don't want to make up some imaginary illness especially as he will be at school with the boys all day. So what do we do? Push him to go? Reassure him, which we do all the time. Or let him turn down the invitation which he has already accepted?

Also any tips for going forward? It makes me worry for him seeing him constantly turn down invitations to sit in his room on his own knowing his friends are all out together enjoying themselves when I feel it is his anxiety and worry about what might happen that is holding him back. Thank you for any advice.

Hi tell him to go for a little while to hang out, that he doesn't need to stay overnight, re assure him he can come home when ever he wants to send you a thumb down on his phone if he needs you to come over for him.

Could you have something planned as a family for early the next day so he can reply that he would love to come for the evening but can't stay over due to another commitment. Obviously actually plan something and not just lie.
That way he can see the birthday boy but leave without having to explain that he doesn't feel ready to sleep over.
My ds has crippling anxiety and he would hate to tell his friends that was why he couldn't manage something but would be happy to tell them he had a family commitment that meant he could only stay a while.

I sympathise, I’ve got an anxious 13 year old boy too, and situations like this really bring it home, when all the other boys are so excited and he’s dreading it.

We didn’t make ds go to any sleepovers when invited, would be his choice; we would just say sleepovers aren’t his thing, but do you want to do x? Our treat. So that it was clear that ds valued the friendship.

Explain that not going might seem like he doesn;t care about his friend, and it might affect the friendship. That sometimes we do things that aren't easy for us because we care abotu other people. Suggest he goes and stays as long as he can but if he needs to leave, just to text you the letter X and you phone up with an excuse and come to collect him, so he doesn't lose face or have to make excuses. (You ocule maybe let the mother know in advance so she doesn't try to make extar efforts to keep him there.) And tell him the magic words: I know you;re anxious but I'm sure you can handle it.

Thank you so much everyone. It's good to hear he is not alone. When I see and hear about his friends being out and about all the time it does make me worry how much he is missing out.

It's a good idea for him to go for the evening but not stay if that is something he is willing to do, just need to come with a reasonable excuse for picking him up. Unfortunately we know the family well and would not include the parents in any plan, they are very much short on empathy and I know from experience they would offer him no support whatsoever if he was feeling worried or anxious. One of the reasons I am also worrying about how best to handle this.

I think that is a very good point about how his friend will feel if he turns him down. Although they are chalk and cheese (friend is very popular and would go to the opening of an envelope) they have been friends since nursery and I agree he would be hurt if DS doesn't go.

If he has said he doesn't trust a couple of the boys then you have to support his decision. Do not ask him to deny his instinct. I think the go (as accepted) but leave say 10.30pm as got an early morning commitment next day is a good plan. It's common for sports training / matches but equally applicable to a family commitment.

DS is fairly confident yr10 but regularly says no to parties. Just not his thing yet or maybe never. At this age it's a bit of a relief as the stories of drink & drugs start.

My ds is very similar. He doesn't enjoy sleepovers either. Maybe, as a group they act as a 'pack' and possibly pick on your ds? This can be normal teasing/messing about but an overly sensitive child doesn't enjoy it. We usually tell a little white lie about an early start to visit a relative and pick up by 8pm. That way, they've had a birthday tea and some fun and he's joined in.

Sometimes ds is enjoying himself and sends a text with a pick up time on that's a bit later.
It's hard as they find it hard to verbalise why they don't enjoy these occasions when it seems like everyone else does. My ds is an only and doesn't seem to like 'rough and tumble' (he freezes) or lots of noise. We'd live it if he was a bit more sociable as we're gregarious but we've accepted he is who he is and will hopefully find his own way with some gentle support and suggestions.

Op maybe it's a way for him to learn about coping mechanisms that will help him in future. He can take into consideration a few factors - his fear + the fact that it might not be as bad as he thinks + learning that if we always give in to anxiety it begins to have a bigger hold on us..(I suffer from anxiety so I know sometimes it's good to push myself ) + his friends feelings also matter..

Talk to him about how in life to maintain friendships we balance our own desires with what makes our friends happy.

A balance would be going but feeling confident of having a way to leave. That's a useful lesson in a lot of situations like this.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I left it for a day then spoke to him last night and asked if he still didn't want to go. He told me he has decided he is going to go and stay.

He actually spoke to his friend and said he was thinking of not staying. His friend knows him well although DS always explains his lack of going to things as being unsociable rather than to do with his anxiety. His friend reassured him he really wanted him there. He also said he would "keep the goons in check" This was when DS explained he was worried they would prat about and keep him awake all night. (This is what he meant when he said he didn't trust a couple of them)

DS would still rather be at home but has come to the decision himself. He knows it is important to his friend that he goes and he also knows it is only one night. We have spoken about going in with the idea that he probably won't get much sleep and any he does get is a bonus! We have also reassured him we have nothing arranged for the weekend so we are happy for him to come home and just spend the weekend resting and playing on his xbox.

DS does not do spontaneous. He likes to know exactly what is happening and if he has a busy week, he likes to plan his downtime as well so he knows he always has time to recharge.

So as it stands he is going however if he changes his mind before then or wishes to come home on the night then we will happily go and get him. Thanks again

Your DS sounds lovely and very sensible. Perhaps think of a treat for him the morning after the sleepover, so he has something to look forward to?

Thank you Vik1ng, we agree although we may be a bit biased

That's a lovely idea. We were chatting in general (DH and I) and we have certainly noticed that he has matured a great deal these last few months and is also coping well with his anxiety - providing he has plenty of warning and time to come around to ideas. So yes, a treat is definitely something he deserves at the moment.

Little update

The sleepover was last night. DS went, it all went well and he had a good time. Thank you everyone for taking the time to post

That's lovely. So next time, he might feel more confident about giving social things a go.

Late to the party - but I’m glad he stayed and glad it went well. His friend sounds great tbh - understands. Anxiety is an absolute bugger.

So pleased it went well

I love this happy ending 😄
My dd invited 4 friends for het birthday sleepover (year 9). 2 stayed, 2 went home at 10.30 (anxiety, early start the next day). All were fine with the arrangements
I'm so glad you gave your lad the time and space to make his own decision, and supported him. Who knows what he'll decide next time - but he'll know his mum will understand his decision.
Bravo!