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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

teen phone usage and friendships

4 replies

citcatgirl45 · 30/09/2019 15:16

My 13 yr old DD has been having a few friendship issues lately. The arguments and disagreements are usually over stupid little things and normally occur on group chats or group facetime. Most of the fall outs were happening about 930 at night just before she goes to bed, so last week we limited her phone use and from 830 it would be taken away I made it quite clear I wasn't confiscating it for bad behaviour it was being taken away to protect her from the fall outs - fast forward a week and everything is now 20 times worse now as because she didn't have her phone she has been left out and now this friendship circle have now completely ousted her because if she doesn't want to talk to them on the phone then she isn't a true friend. Apparently it is all my fault and she is so unhappy far more unhappier when she was allowed the phone and they were having fall outs. The fall outs usually occur when one of the girls there are between 4 and 6 of them in the group shows off about an achievement, event, new clothing, i phone etc and likes to make all the others jealous. She went off to school so upset today as she has no friends and I am now the big evil mother who has made the problem 1000 times worse. If I had kept out of it and not interfered she says she would have sorted it out, but when they are all screaming abuse at each other at 930 at night and then my DD is so upset and angry till 1130 at night surely I have to intervene. I really think now maybe I did do the wrong thing as taking her phone does seem to have escalated the problem. There is always a lot of posts regarding phone usage on this board so just wanted on whether people think I made the right decision and where do we go from here???

OP posts:
mcmen05 · 30/09/2019 15:42

@citcatgirl45 you made a right choice as in there should be a cut off time. but maybe not so early.
Your dd made it your business when she came to you about been upset about what the girl in group was saying so you didn't interfere.
Girls fall in and out all the time.

Summersunshine2 · 30/09/2019 15:45

I do t think you did the wrong thing - we are all learning as we go!
Come to a compromise together about the way forward.

JustDanceAddict · 30/09/2019 15:48

Group chats are a minefield!
Surely these girls can’t be best friends if they’re saying your DD can’t be in their group if she wasn’t online for a couple of nights, that’s ridiculous. For all they know her phone could’ve broken or anything!!
Maybe taking phone away at 8.30 was a bit too soon, but I can see you were trying to protect your DD from the fallouts (which are prob happening because they’re tired and grumpy at that time of might).
with both my DCs 13/14 was a really grim age for friendships, hopefully things will settle and you can come to an agreement as when the phone should be handed in.

Mary8076 · 03/10/2019 14:14

IMO you made the best thing for her. All the problems happened and started on the socials so obviously cutting them off cut these stupid problems too. That is even not the only reason you made the best choice because experts say to block children's phones at night and one hour before bedtime just to avoid over excitement and consequent bad sleeping. We use the parental control to do that, even with my 16yo DD.
It's recommended a maximum screen time of 1 or 2 hours a day (TV, pc, any screen included, to avoid bad posture, poor eyesight, inadequate sleep, abnormal brain growth, anti-social behavior, lack of physical activity, peers pressure, ...not only for kids but for older teens too) so I strongly suggest you to install the parental control (if you haven't already made it) and set both the maximum and night screen time restrictions, it will not only push her to have much more real and good friendships but will let you to check her online activities and block all this bad stuff that makes teens think the only most important thing in their life is to be famous on internet. Block these anti-social "social" apps, the issue about teenagers and friends is actually about real friends, not about the virtual ones!

In short you already experienced the bad effects of social apps and unlimited internet use, in the future it will only get worse if you don't take action now. That is the reason because restricted screen time, blocked apps, checks with the parental control app is the best choice you could have done for her.

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