Help 15 out of control

[Mumto3boys040816]

Hello I hope someone out there could give us advice?

Our son is 15 and has just been expelled from his school for Burglary & Theft! His father and I are mortified but he generally has no remorse. His argument is "but I was just there the other 2 did it all".. And that's true cctv confirms it.

However he is now being sent to a school for children who have been expelled, and is totally excited about it as his best mate is also going there......

The report from his old school came through yesterday saying he does have learning difficulties.. (so if they new that.. in his whole time there... why haven't they put in help for him when asked by us??)

My child has changed and no amount of discipline works anymore!
He's 6ft2, Dob of a 15 Yr old, but learning age of a 11yr old.
He's rude, aggressive, he likes to look like a thug! He smokes, drinks, Stay's out all night, he takes and doesn't give back!! He threatens his younger brother! Scares our toddler... Shouts, screams, calls us such vile names!!
And I'm now at the point where I love him but I hate him...
It's like walking on egg shells around him, and at any moment one of us will get hurt by him.

I know that this is all down to the parents but I just need help on how to turn him around... I'm genuinely scared that I've lost him and if its too late already...

Thank you for reading. Xx

Young people like your son have mixed with the wrong people and ended up on the wrong side of the fence. You will need to discipline him immediately to prevent these habits from lasting a lifetime. Friend of mines DS had v similar behaviour! Was threatening family and smoking/drinking and even coming home with drugs because she left him be! She then decided to prevent him from going out w "friends" (a majority of which were just using him for gang activity!!) And got councling for him. He is now much more stable. Act before it is too late and he gets in to god knows what!

We are constantly grounding him, removing the wifi, refusing to give money and buying him stuff {To be fair if we had the money I wouldn't give it to him, Thank god our mortgage is so high!}

If he has learning difficulties that haven't been supported then it sounds like school will have been very tough for him. Hopefully in a new setting with better support he'll do better so check that this is the sort of school he's being sent to.

Out of school does he have an positive interests/hobbies/sports that you can support and encourage. Anything to get him away from his bad news mates and habits? If not, get him some, or find something, anything, he could do w his dad or another positive male role model.

This is a point in his life where he needs a lot of reining in and a lot of your (and his dads) time. Not just to discipline him (although that's important) but to listen, talk and support him.

HTH

Please don't go in with an authoritarian zero tolerance approach.

Your best bet is building a relationship with him and having unconditional positive regard. Meet his basic needs of belonging, food, sleep and shelter and try to find the positive in him. Take him out to laze quest, paint balling or meals out once a month.

He's 15, so what if he's tall and comes across a bit mean, he's still a child. If you go in all zero tolerance he will turn angrier and more resentful. He won't want to behave as he won't give a shit.

I work as a youth worker but there are many approaches you could take. Sit down with the family and find the best way forward for you.
With the learning difficulties when you initially went to the school where you referred to CHAMS? If not get a referral as they can help with getting hopefully 121 sessions with a counsellor or youth worker which may help with the learning and getting to the route of the behaviour.
You said you have a high mortgage? It sounds like he gets a lot of time left to his own devices (not blaming in any way here so please don't take it as that) but might explain the behaviour. Also sounds like you dont have the best relationship with him. Take some time where it's just you and him to do something weekly/fortnightly to bond. I know a lot of people say once they are teenagers they don't need as much input but from experience i find its when they need a lot of input. They also crave 121 attention.
If you have any youth groups in your area you can reach out to them. As well as normal weekly youth group meetings ours for example (south Hampshire based) run health and well-being sessions, 121 sessions to help young people. Plus if you approach the workers and explain your situation they can run activities/sessions to target more
I hope some of this may help. It's an impossible situation and there is no right answer you have to do what you feel is best for your family.