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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I want to help

16 replies

Harriet3451 · 12/09/2019 23:04

Someone in my family is having a hard time with their child. Lots of really bad behaviour, issues with school, violence, language. Theres been some issues at home but I dont know the full story however believe it's mostly contributed to this teen lashing out.

I dont live in the same area and when I've moved house I'm considering offering to have the teen for a few weeks or so. Money wont be an issue and maybe get a tutor in or something.

I'd of course ask the mum first and want to offer her some respite from the teen and hopefully find a way to interject even if it's a little holiday just to give them both a break.

For mums or dads who have had troubled teens or have the experience do you have any tips or tricks for me to help the teen get back on their feet and maybe work through some of their troubles?

OP posts:

azaleanth90 · 13/09/2019 18:17

I would think even a weekend or an evening supervision would offer valuable respite. And maybe giving the teen a chance to start afresh with you - one way to do that is to give them a task to do and lots of praise. Or maybe if that's too intense, taking them go karting or theme park or whatever they like?

writersbeenblocked · 13/09/2019 18:24

No advice but just want to say what a lovely person you are OP

Original poster

Harriet3451 · 15/09/2019 09:48

@azaleanth90 I was thinking maybe a bit longer. The poor teen is being constantly suspended from school and has run away from home recently and was missing for a number of hours this week

I just have a feeling, mum may not be happy or agree but if she does, that the teen and mum need at least a week maybe longer. I'd hope I would be able to take teen back home in a better frame of mind by removing teen from the troubles. No parents, no friends, no school, no bullying etc just somewhere to get some peace and perspective on things. I dont know how but I'd certainly like to try.

Do you think a task like build or create something of their own/ get particular scores with tutoring/ achieve a level with a hobby? That sort of thing?

@writersbeenblocked thankyou :)

OP posts:

Toomuch999 · 15/09/2019 10:21

Really generous and invaluable offer, could be immeasurably helpful in getting a new perspective as you say, and for all of the family not just the teen.

Age is important, how close to GCSEs are they? If y7/8/9 I wouldn’t worry about a tutor personally, would be looking at walking, talking, having lunch and some good times, inspirational YouTube videos etc about what life can offer. If a project or activity naturally emerges from this, great, if not I wouldn’t add the pressure.

Older teens may need to do some work but tbh I think the space to think, regroup and build self esteem is more important.

BrokenWing · 15/09/2019 10:41

So your idea is to take them out of school for a week for a holiday, when they've just returned after 6-7 weeks off, activity instead. I don't see how longterm, or even short term that will help, surely when they return home and to school nothing will have changed other than they will have missed and be behind at school even more?

Your heart is in the right place but I think the idea is flawed, someone needs to work with the teen and the school to get to the cause of the behaviour and work out coping mechanisms for the day to day. Taking them away is avoiding the issue again rather than dealing with it.

Original poster

Harriet3451 · 15/09/2019 10:53

@brokenwing it's not immediate, but yes that was my thought. Whether during school time as the teen is suspended constantly anyway and I doubt they will be doing work at home or during the holidays. I was thinking perhaps a tutor to help the teen catch up or have 1 to 1 school support.
The teen is at gcse level next year and I fear that with all this going on that their going to end up failing and struggling with a job, end up with a child and life spiralling downhill.

I thought time away might help them relax, give mum respite, get some sleep and focus on themselves. The teen is angry theres been violence running away etc. I dont live in the same city so not sure if I could help with support at home.

@Toomuch999 I see what you're saying yes. If they end up staying longer then I was wondering of a way to help them work towards something apply themselves distract perhaps. Though quality time is very important. The goal would be to get them back home a calmer person who is kinder to their mum and more dedicated to school

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2019 10:56

Do you have your own children?

Branleuse · 15/09/2019 10:59

What if the teen was shitty to you. Would you be ok with it. How well do u know the kid, and do you have much experience?

YeOldeTrout · 15/09/2019 11:25

My parents took some of my unruly teen cousins for a summer. So didn't disrupt schooling. It worked well. I'm still close with my cousins even though they are older than me. They came back to live with us as adults, too (paying rent and all).

Mother of my niece wanted me to take out of control niece one summer. I just didn't have the resources. Niece is now approaching 30yo & still has severe mental health problems. Not just wild.

Original poster

Harriet3451 · 15/09/2019 12:15

@Aquamarine1029 no I don't. I'm not too sure if I'd do it with my own children due to disruption.

@Branleuse that's certainly a strong possibility. My partner and I would discuss and deal with. My sister is close to them, me less so, and she lives near me. I would hope a change of environment and us two/three would make a change for the teen.

@YeOldeTrout that's amazing of your mum. Sounds like she made a huge difference to them.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2019 12:36

I think what you are wanting to do is very kind, but this child isn't just moody. They have very serious behavioural problems that need the help of professionals. I would rethink your idea and see if there might be other ways to help.

BrokenWing · 15/09/2019 14:10

If only teens were that easy OP. My niece had a very difficult time from around 14 - 19. Perfectly well behaved when with me but a nightmare for her mum.

It is likely during their "holiday" with you they will behave as you won't be making them go to school/do homework/keep their own room tidy/have to deal with school complaints and the realities of life/their future and all the other parental shite. You aren't the parent they feel safe with that they can act up around. You are the random relative that they aren't close to who they will be on best behaviour for a week or so. They may even talk to you. But that is not really going to help them as there are no quick fixes, you are not there day to day to see this thing through for the months and years to a conclusion. It is possible you may make things worse at home (dn regularly threw back in her mums face she wished she stayed with her ddad or me instead as we )

It is really kind you want to help, but realistically you are not in a position or have the experience to do so. I would support her mum and encourage her to approach anyone she can for help, if you are willing to pay for a tutor would you be willing to pay for private counselling or family counselling to help them as a family?

mogloveseggs · 15/09/2019 14:17

The teen may well feel that her mum has sent her away which would just make the issue worse.
There is a difference between a teen wanting to go and live with their dad say, and mum packing them off to a random relative.
You could do more harm than good in the long run.

Fleetheart · 15/09/2019 15:58

Personally I have a very troublesome teen and I would be very grateful for this respite. I think that mine would benefit from some time out of the pressure cooker, and I would too. It won’t solve everything but it will give the teen a different perspective. It might help the mum a lot as these kind of problems are very hard on our sanity. A break is really as good as a rest.

Original poster

Harriet3451 · 15/09/2019 22:59

@Aquamarine1029 of course, I recognise that. Its come from parents separating and bullying from what I understand.

@BrokenWing I recognise that as well. I would hope to influence or give respite. Fixing the problem wouldn't be realistic. I would certainly expect the teen to take part in house hold chores and attend tutor lessons. It would be a productive holiday to challenge the teen and perhaps help them be more responsible. Ideas only. But yes paying for counselling could be an option.

@mogloveseggs it would be a question for mum and then a question for the teen to ask if they'd want to come stay. If they said no then itd be no.

@Fleetheart my thoughts. If you had someone to take your teen for a few weeks or so, what would you hope they'd do or teach them?

OP posts:

Fleetheart · 16/09/2019 06:23

@Harriet3451, well I wouldn’t expect miracles; I would just hope that maybe a few conversations could be had which might allow teen to open up a bit, explain what is on their mind. In my own DS’s case I would hope that a different routine, different expectations would cause a change of thinking. I wouldn’t expect any thing to be taught as such but would expect and hope that they might learn soon that there is a wider world. So it would depend on the person they stayed with - or if they had a big garden then maybe learning garden maintenance. Stuff like that. But all teens are different so it depends ...

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