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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Preparing for the teenage years

14 replies

Flippetydip · 11/09/2019 12:04

Any advice? DS is nearly 11 and going to secondary next year and I just wondered whether or any of you already in the midst of it have any advice to prepare myself for the onslaught!

For info DS doesn't have a phone yet and isn't into gaming, plays hockey and loves drama, reads prolifically and we are quite involved in church but he is a pretty anxious child (although seems to have a good core group of friends) and the change to secondary, coupled with rampant hormones is not something I am relishing.

OP posts:
MarySibleysFamiliar · 11/09/2019 12:45

Mine is in second year of high school and has had an iPhone for years now. They all did at her age. It's a great way to keep in touch with her friends. It was just my old 5s and as long as she looked after it I'd let her have my old iPhones when I upgraded (giving her a very decent phone even if not the latest)

She has a lot of freedom and although I could send her to bed etc she has great self control and goes off before I need to say. She also gets herself up and ready for school independently. We have very strict set rules in my house and she knows she has to abide by them, and doing so gets her a lot more freedoms. I'm very straight with her about why we have the rules. She has chores to do because she appreciates that I can't and shouldn't have to do it all myself. We communicate really well and so far it seems to be working. Whilst we are happy to have a good chat, she knows I'm her parent first and her friend, second.

You're a little luckier you won't have PMs to contend with. Recently mine came home and was raging at her dad (very very unusual behaviour from her which actually made DH laugh) and looking at the calendar I realised what it was. DH got a chocolate bar out and I threw it at the raging DD and ran away. That cheered her up and the chocolate bar to the forehead broke her mood. 😂

Original poster
Flippetydip · 11/09/2019 14:33

Thanks for the reply. I'm still dithering over phones. DS not desperate for one and wants a "flip up" and not a Smart phone so that's win for me, but I would like him to be able to have WhatsApp for friends. Anyhoo, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

DD only 8 so I'm hoping we have a bit of time before that drama commences!

OP posts:
Gazelda · 11/09/2019 14:52

Did got a phone the term before she started secondary school. Like pp, it was an old iPhone of mine.
She got used to the 'grown up-ness' of having it before she was let loose with it at school.
She isn't allowed social media, including WhatsApp
We've done tiny, baby steps at independence. 2 mins home alone. Run an errand to a neighbour in the next street etc.
She's got more chores at each birthday/start of new school year. Nothing arduous.
She now gets pocket money and we expect her to save some. She can spend the rest on whatever tat she fancies.
I got her some dropped tops/bra tops to wear under her school shirt.
School should tell you when they're going to do the puberty and sex talks. We chatted about these topics at home and read a book together about friendships and puberty.
We just 'winged' the rest. Time will tell if we got it right ...

cdtaylornats · 11/09/2019 18:26

Buy a cat

"Dogs prepare you for children, cats prepare you for teenagers"

user1461609321 · 11/09/2019 18:48

Following

Original poster
Flippetydip · 12/09/2019 10:40

buy a cat Grin

We have a greyhound - it's not a good mix. But I take your point - shit everywhere (judging by our garden) and completely unbiddable. Thanks for those reassuring words!

OP posts:
ChickenyChick · 16/09/2019 20:01

Greyhounds are very grounding Grin

We have a greyhound/deerhound cross and sge has been a beacon of stability and affection fir the DC in the teen years (plus they walk her at weekends)

My boys are 14 and 17 and yes we’ve had boundary pushing behaviour and arguments about what they are allowed but we also often have a laugh over dinner, play boardgames (more arguing Grin) and watch silly moves (Naked Gun,The Hangover, Deadpool 2)

Don’t believe all the negative press about teen boys. They are just young humans after all.

Advice: buy lots and lots of food, don’t sweat the small stuff, pull them up on selfish behaviour, and hug them at least once a day

lljkk · 16/09/2019 21:05

Just ... listen. Even if they are babbling about something weird & deathly dull, be the person who listens. Then they know they can always go talk to you.

Try to tell them the truth; if you can't, just say you can't. Be the reliable source of information.

Don't engage if they're being provocative. Remind them that you always treat them with respect.

Try to give them autonomy & respect their decisions. If they want to do something you don't like, tell them the principles of how you think that decision should be made. See if you can get them to agree to same or similar principles, and then if they can explain how the decision fits with good principles.

You've got to teach them that you expect them to think for themselves and to make good decisions. You want to encourage them to rise to responsibility. They will make mistakes; usually that's annoying but you can teach them how to make amends, too.

There's even better advice about making sure they have aspirations & good self esteem. Kids with lots of great plans and who think they deserve a good life, do a lot less stupid stuff; stupid actions would make it hard to achieve their dreams that they fully deserve.

Original poster
Flippetydip · 17/09/2019 09:19

Thank you so much - wonderful advice. I will try and stick to it!

OP posts:
Trewser · 17/09/2019 09:22

Advice: buy lots and lots of food, don’t sweat the small stuff, pull them up on selfish behaviour, and hug them at least once a day

Brilliant advice which applies to dds also!

I'd get him a phone tbh.

reluctantbrit · 17/09/2019 15:43

Re the phone - it really depends on the crowd he is friends with.

DD got DH's old phone end of Y6 but she was the last one and it caused issues as she was talked about. The boys in her class were less worried, it may be more a girl issue here. But it may change very fast at secondary.

I am all for giving them a phone as they will be more independent, going back and forth on their own. We started leaving DD alone at home in Y6 for a couple of hours (building up to it obviously) as from Y7 onwards she would be alone when I work and DH is away on business.

Let him have a bit of independent like walking to/from school or clubs. We also let DD go to shops alone and also was responsible for packing bags, gathering school and club stuff instead of always reminding her.

You may also think about pocket money if you haven't done already.

Catapillarsruletheworld · 18/09/2019 17:37

For boys the change to secondary and rampant hormones don’t really come together like they do for girls. It’s seems to hit the boys in y8 or 9 when they suddenly develop stubble and deep voices! So don’t worry about that too much.

Dd2 has just gone up to secondary and has taken it in her stride, both my dds have really, despite dd1 being more of a worrier.

They both had phone in around y5, but had better ones with contracts ready for starting secondary.

Dd2 is very independent for an 11 year old. She’s been going to town with friends for over a year now. She goes out and about to the cinema, shops and just to hang out. Today she wakes the 2 miles back from school alone as her sister is on a trip.

By 11 they are for the most part quite capable little people. Just ensure you give them the tools to make sensible choices and they will be just fine.

ShirleyB50 · 18/09/2019 17:43

Buy wine - a lot of wine

Lonecatwithkitten · 18/09/2019 18:08

The vast majority of teens crave attention, but only really know how to get it by acting up. Start praising for the small stuff thereby giving attention and preventing the need to behave badly to get attention - aka the cat tossing the stuff off the beside table at 4.30am.

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