Broken and sad....how can I be more resilient?

[Fudgecakes]

My 14 yo dd proper hates me . In her opinion I'm annoying, boring, not fun, horrible...anything negative...that's me! After yet another character assassination of me yesterday which left me in tears, I need to get a grip and grow a backbone to get me through this as I know it could last a while. Can anyone recommend some coping strategies?

Trouble is, I'm a very sensitive soul. I was badly bullied as a child and to be experiencing the same feelings of rejection from my own dd is killing me. I also feel a failure as I keep thinking back to how excited I was when pregnant and would never dream that 14 yrs on I'm in this situation . I also torture myself by looking at pics of us all when she was little.

I just want to run away as I'm finding it really hard. It's so reminiscent of how I felt as a child...I'm so, so broken that she hates me so much. It feels so much deeper than normal teenage rejection 😪

I find it hard to talk to her....I cant find any common ground and I'm clamming up.

The best way I've found is to ask questions and take an interest in whatever she's into at the moment. Sometimes they don't want to talk, but I always ask DD what's going on at school, what's happening with her friends, etc. and show that I'm on her side.

I also offer to do things with her - take her around the shops every few months, get her nails done occasionally, have her friends over or drive them somewhere they want to go. I'm not especially interested in these activities, but she tells me a lot on those outings!

You have the right not to be spoken to like that by anyone, let alone in your own home by your DD.
While recognising that this sort of behaviour can be a very normal phase, please do not feel that this means you have no choice but to tolerate it all. Please have a think about what your personal red lines are and choose a strong, appropriate consequence for your DD if she persists in crossing the red lines. Warn her (during a calm period) that in future you won't tolerate X and if she does X then she will get one warning before you do Y (switch off the wi-fi, dock her allowance, whatever works for you).
Then, next time she kicks off, remind her what you said, give her a warning and then if she carries on implement the consequence immediately (and without further discussion).
Do this every single time.

At the same time, try and find some moments you can share together, a trip to the cinema, a shared love if Bake Off, a thank you if she surprises you by being thoughtful.

You will both survive this, and she does still love and need you.

My mom used to say I love you but right now I don't like you very much. Its not acceptable to speak like that so you can go to your room and come back when you can civil. N repeat n repeat n repeat.
My mom's my hero and I was an arse as a teenager

OP please don't take the advice of RachelLover60
My mother (mental health issues, hospitalisation and an Eating Disorder) told me when I was twelve that no only did she not love me, she didn't even like me. I have never recovered and have had years of therapy and have serious lack of self esteem.
Please, fight the hate with love. Every time she says she hates you say things like that is such a pity, because I love you. Her hormones are raging, she is trying to become her own person. She is like a bit lost at the moment.
If you can be anything be kind. But also, go to some parenting classes. They really helped me.

Thank you again for all your replies and insightful advice. I'm going to re read the thread, absorb and formulate a plan which will involve taking back control by boundary setting, consequences of over stepping boundaries all while desperately trying to believe she doesn't mean it and deep down the love is there somewhere. I need to be less emotional and upset and respect myself a little more. I need to also distract myself with other interests and show a life outside of being mum the punchbag. I also need to work on communication...some great advice re that, thankyou. Phew...I'd better crack on then!!
Thanks again all....while I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy....I'm glad I'm not alone x

I find my kids have always told me more if I don’t ask questions.

I think being on your own with Dd there is a blurred line of friend and parent because it’s the two of you. I have this as DH works away for long extended periods and I can see the difference when he’s home. It’s hard but you do need to establish boundaries and let her know when she’s crossed it. You really aren’t alone in this situation so don’t feel you are failing, none of us are experts and sometimes being a parent is a thankless job.

Be careful not to fall into the trap of "its normal". Therefore it goes unchecked.

It's something many teens can go through. But there is also a very large majority who don't. Not to the extremes you've mentioned.

A friends dd went through this. She stopped consequences as apparently it made it worse. Well not having boundaries then made it even worse.

It's ok to empathise and understand she's hormonal etc. It's ok to empathise and understand the rouge if the behaviour.

It is NOT OK for her to bully or verbally or physically abuse you.

There isn't a court in the land who would allow someone off abuse because "well your honour I was hormonal" or "well your honour my mum wouldn't let me have my phone in my room".

I've always told my ds my love is unconditional. But my respect and willingness to do stuff for him comes with a condition that it's a 2 way street.

Doesn't mean he doesn't test that! (He's still a 15 yo boy). But he also knows the wi fi router absolutely can come for a trip to the supermarket with me (apparently I wouldn't dare ) and that absolutely it's possible for dinners only to be purchased and not have snacks around to fill him up after cooking a meal.

Be empathetic but don't condone.

@Shockers

Everyone's different, but I ask very general questions like, "So how was today?" Anything happening at school?" Usually she replies "Not much" and then a few minutes later tells me something!

The teenage years can be confusing times, as hormones come into play and make you feel ways you've never felt before. When I was a teenager, everything my family did irritated me. My mum, dad and brother couldn't do anything right, so I took to staying in my room to avoid hurting them, or saying things I might have regretted. If it's any consolation, they get through it, and more often than not you'll be closer than ever.

Yes they can be little buggers towards you at that age but you don't have to tolerate rudeness. Unfortunately the sitting in silence you do, they come back later on to offer a more adult mother daughter relationship but need to detach a bit at this stage. This is the time they seperate from their mothers to learn how to become adults.

However the character assassination and more alarmingly the punching that another poster said.... Wtf man no way id be putting up with that shit! What kind of adult do you want them to turn into?

A reminder of sanctions, a reminder that you will not be her punching bag no matter how irritates she feels and actual sanctions that you go through with.

It's a shit time but you need to toughen up for it. See it as the pupa stage. They come back eventually.

I feel your pain! Im a single mum of 2 DDs, they're 14 & 10. I can't remember the last conversation I had with my 14 year old. She just shouts all the time, argues against whatever I say, answers back continually, no hugs or kisses, won't even watch TV with me, her beautiful manners have disappeared. The 10 year old has copied this behaviour and is now just as bad. They're very close and they gang up (sounds silly when I write it!). I'm exhausted, I cry most days, I miss them and the relationship we had, I feel like my family has disintegrated and I'm struggling a lot. I don't have the answer but you're not on your own.

to you just juggling....that sounds hard. To have it x 2 sounds stressful. Hope you and all the others who have posted that are struggling can glean some useful advice from this thread as I have to you all. Who'd have thought parenthood could be so depressing

It might be considered normal behaviour, but it's a bugger to live through. They do come out the other side... eventually. You don't have to tolerate rudeness though. Remember to keep your tin hat handy💐

Honestly, I know people think teens go through this phase, but they don't have to. It's your job to show her she's bullying you and to put a stop to it. Catch her this weekend. Make a cup of tea or whatever she drinks and tell her you have something very very serious to discuss. Make her look you in the eye. Then say, : I want you to listen to this darling and tell me how it makes you feel. Keep eye contact and say: You are stupid, You are ugly. You are useless. You are thick.' Say them with venom, as if you truly mean them. Keep eye contact. She should be shocked enough to stay put. Say all of the things she has said to you. Don't miss any out. Make her answer the question: how does it feel to have her mum say those things? It's not a rhetorical question. She must answer it.

Ask how she thinks it feels to be on the receiving end of that from someone who should love you, who you have always loved and supported. Again, insist on an answer. Tell her it is horrific bullying and you don' t expect to ever hear it from her again. You love and respect her and in return, she should value your love and respect. Ask why she thinks it's OK to speak to you like that. Again. the key thing is to insist on an answer. She must address her own behaviour and recognise it. Ask for a full, genuine apology. Tell her you will never, ever be bullied again. Not by anyone, and certainly not by your own teenage daughter. Ask her how she would want to be treated if she cooked and cleaned for someone else, and was always there if they were upset and took them places and planned treats and surprises from them. Would she expect that person to recognise her effort and her loving support? What could someone do that would make her feel good and what could they do to make her feel bad? Get an answer. Then say: Great, you can tell the difference. Leave it there. She knows you know.

You don't need to threaten consequences, or punishment or anything that she can strop about. Just insist on her fully owning up to what she is doing to another person and how it makes them feel. And insist on an apology.

I promise you unless there is something seriously wrong this will have a dramatic effect on her.

I should add when I have done that sort of thing with DS I have always made it very clear as soon as I've mirrored their vitriol back at them that I didn't enjoy saying any of those things and I didn't mean them, but they needed to know what they sounded and looked like and how it felt to have them said.

I think I've had to do that twice with DS1 and once with DS2 and there has never been any escalation. The minute they are rude I mirror it.

I've just had an outburst from DD (14) saying that I never let her do anything, that I'm nasty and ruining her social life because I wouldn't let her go to a "R" rated film with her friend this afternoon.

Of course, she's completely forgotten that DH and I did all the organising/driving on Friday night so she and her friends could go to a football game followed by a party.

'Cos we're so nasty and enjoy ruining her social life.

I like millefiori's idea - make the teen feel accountable. The problem is I can't get mine to take his headphones out/ put his phone down and listen to me for even a minute. There's literally no time where we just hang out and if I ask when we can talk he will say never. Don't ask me how it got to this point! Mealtimes are usually spent in sulking about having to leave the screen, or complaining about the food.

All teenagers at some point will think their parents are being harsh, unfair, annoying or embarrassing. What the OP describes sounds way beyond normal to me.

Do you get upset when she does it OP? Does she feel she has power over you? I’d just stop reacting. If she starts a simple ‘alright love that’s enough’ and walk off and do your own thing. Just ignore her. If she follows tell her you don’t want to speak to her until she can be pleasant. If you cry, she’s won. I hope things improve for you soon.

Mealtimes are usually spent in sulking about having to leave the screen, or complaining about the food. I just don't understand this. The first time either of mine tried this sort of behaviour, they got pulled up so sharply they didn't try it again. And I am known to be the softest mum of all. I just can;t stand cruek behaviour so if they treat me or DH rudely or inconsiderately I breathe fire at them, and in return I never treat them rudely or inconsiderately (or if I do, by mistake, I grovel.)
Do people put up with this just because they are teens, so they assume it's 'normal'? It doesn't have to be.

How? I pulled mine up sharply too. The next time he was worse. Neither consequences not remonstrations have any long term effect.

She doesnt really think those things about you. It's about her. 14 year olds are very self centred. Their emotions are the centre of the universe to them. If shes having a bad day and you are near her she will try and take it out on you by saying you are making her angry/sad/bored or whatever emotion she is feeling. She wont be like this forever. Try and detach from it. Always point out to her calmly that that's hurtful and not the way you should speak to other people, but avoid acting like you have been hurt by it personally or making an emotional big deal out of it as that will just exacerbate the matter. Teens who are feeling a big surge of emotion dont react well to guilt at that time either... you need to remain calm point out that they are behaving badly and then disengage with them by leaving the room or changing the subject... hopefully when they've calmed down you can talk to them more about how they shoultnt talk to people like that. If you respond emotionally whilst they are still emotional it may be you just end up in a screaming match. 14 year olds dont have a total grip on thier emotions yet it's hard for them to calm down.

Just a comment about people on this thread talking about BPD. I worked in mental health before I had my son and my husband is still working as a psychologist... a person under 18 will rarely be diagnosed with a personality disorder unless their behaviour is really extreme... for the simple fact that their personalities are still forming and these kind of mood swings and difficulties controlling emotions really can be part of completely normal development. Many young people who struggle with emotional regulation during their teens do not end up having that problem into adulthood. Different people react to hormonal changes and growing up differently. We do not all develop at the same pace... some teens struggle more than others it does NOT always mean they have some kind of mental illness or personality disorder. Especially if there are no other signs of that. Sometimes it's just a normal part of learning to regulate emotions and respond properly. Please dont try and immediately pathologise kids because they havent learnt to respond as an adult would yet.

And it's not always about boundaries and consequences because not all kids are doing it on purpose to be naughty... they are genuinely feeling intense surges of negative emotion and they do not know how to cope with it. No amount of punishment is going to make them stop doing it because they do not know how to stop doing it. It can very much be a developmental thing with some kids. They just get very very angry.
I'm not saying have no boundaries or consequences for bad behaviour by any means.... I'm just saying that sometimes it really will not work because the child is not in control of their behaviour enough. So telling other parents they just need to implement more boundaries and punishments and then it would be totally fine, is not very helpful.

This is as everyone says a normal teenage thing. The trouble is she knows how this affects you so she knows which button to press to get a reaction.
The only way it's likely to stop is if you show indifference and show that it doesn't affect you at all - indeed it's actually fairly amusing. So you are going to have to act your socks off.

"Great, if you think I'm xxxx that means I'm doing my job. All kids hate their parents at this age, I must be doing something right" All said in a light hearted way - even if it's killing you inside. Make a joke of it. She'll strop off that she's not getting the reaction she wants but keep up that air of indifference. If you don't react then there is no point in her continuing along that line.

As they say - This too, shall pass. They become human again at some point.

And the only response to "I hate you" is "that's a shame because I love you loads"