Am I being unreasonable?

[FunkyMum79]

Hi my first post here so please be nice 😀

My 19 year old daughter and I are at logaheads and we need help because I am really scared of losing her.
She has been with her partner for five years and I have allowed him to stay here occasionally over the last two.
A few weeks ago my daughter told me he was having problems at him and asked if he could stay.
I agreed but laid down just a couple of rules eg. Clearing up after themselves and not parking in neighbours spaces.
He has continually flouted these rules and treats the place like a doss house. He thinks nothing of shouting at my daughter and calling her a bitch when he knows I’m only in the next room.
He continually parks in the neighbour’s space to the point I have received a letter from my landlord, stating his reg and threatening eviction If it continues as I am allowing a breach of the tenancy to occur.
I explained this to my daughter and her boyfriend and the seriousness of the issue to no avail. I was working throughout the night and this morning I returned and lo and behold he was parked there again.
I came in and asked why they had no respect for the fact we could lose our home over this and I am the bad one! My daughter completely exploded, calling me a bad mother, lazy, psycho, hated by everyone and punched my door. I have never seen her so angry, all because I had the nerve to ask her boyfriend why he couldn’t abide by the house rules. (The parking isn’t the only issue, they both show such little respect for me)
My daughter works but I help her with driving lessons, pay for her phone and even give her money occasionally for a night out if I know she is stressed.
She has upset me so muxh today that I have said her boyfriend is no longer welcome to stay here and if she is not happy, maybe they could find somewhere of their own.
I am now devastated, she said the most hurtful things and to make matters worse, they go on holiday tomorrow so I won’t see her for a week.
I really do apologise for the long story but I really need someone’s advice how to mend this.
I love my daughter so much and she has been my rock over recent years and the thought of our relationship breaking down is killing me.
Thanks to anyone in advance for replying

Oh dear take a deep breath!!!
Your daughter and her bf are walking all over you and taking complete advantage of you.And the thought of anyone screaming at my daughter and calling her a b#*$h makes me sick.Idk how you didn't throw him out the moment you heard that happen.
They are in a VERY toxic relationship and it won't last.I strongly recommend you don't let them live with you or you pay for anything,that's enabling their toxic relationship.If she wants to live like an adult,she needs to act like an adult.

It may take a bit and some tears,but she will come back to you.❤

Thanks you so much for putting things into perspective for me xx

Kick them both out. Boyfriend should be totally banned from the house and dd should only return after an apology and a discussion about treating you and your home with respect. And stop the handouts.
It’s easier said than done, I know. I have a just turned 18-year-old who left home at 16 and has boomeranged back and forth a few times. She was thrown out last week after threatening to punch me but was back a few days later as she was broke and had nowhere to go.

Thank you guys, not feeling like a totally useless mum anymore

You don't have much choice: the boyfriend has to leave. You said yes under conditions which he hasn't met, so it's no.

It's possible that your daughter will flounce out with him (depending on whether he just goes home or manages to find somewhere else). I strongly recommend that you make a point of making it clear that she will be welcome to come back at any time. This has all the hallmarks of - no, scratch that, this is an abusive relationship, and she's eventually going to need somewhere to go.

I would say your daughter is acting out because of the way she is being treated by her boyfriend. If he is happy to do that in front of you he is probably doing more in secret.

The first step is of course to tell the boyfriend he is no longer allowed in the house as he did not abide by the rules.

The second step is to try and have a discussion with your daughter. Remind her she is loved by you. That her boyfriend is not treating her how someone who loves her would treat her. Let her know it is her choice what she does but you cannot support their relationship. Let her know you will always be there for her. You could even suggest doing something together that your daughter enjoys. Maybe the two of you could go on holiday together.

I would even ring up a helpline for domestic abuse and ask for their advice on the situation.

Good luck. You are not a terrible mum. She is very lucky to have you.

My daughter certainly is not vile! She is obviously having problems and I cane here looking for helpful advice, not insults!

@FunkyMum79, you are doing the right thing of course he can’t stay. She is being unreasonable; maybe he is the reason why, like the PP said, see if you can have a quiet word and say that she is always welcome. But that you don’t think it’s unreasonable to be treated with respect in your own home .

Thank you

I agree with what CarolineKate said.

You really don't have any choice. Her boyfriend cannot stay there. I hope she comes to her senses soon.

Breaking rules like that suggest the boyfriend has some real problems.