how can I help build DS's confidence after this?

[milliefiori]

DS2 has ASD. He also has a couple of mild physical disabilities which add up to him being very short for his age. Not surprisingly, he has social anxiety. We'd been working on it over the summer, looking at ways to improve it and he'd been trying things out and reporting back that his social life was perking up. He was invited to a party miles away from us, in the middle of nowhere. He bought new clothes that he felt (and looked) really good in. Went to the party and had to stay the night as there was no way we could collect him.

Picked him up this morning and he told us early in the evening he'd gone to sit with a friend and two girls and one of the girls had said she wondered if there would be anyone who'd ever be interested in getting together with her. DS's friend said: well there's DS, here and the girl said, 'No I mean someone good looking.'

Obviously it's a thoughtless bitchy thing to say which an adult will shrug off. But he is so SO self conscious about his height, about his mild disability and he's constantly trying to mask his ASD too. I've said all the usual mum things - that it was bitchy and reflects more about her than him, that it was suspiciously too bitchy and sounds like she was quickly getting her rejection of him in before he had the chance to reject her, that not everyone fancies everyone etc. But I can see it has absolutely knocked him. He was feeling so good about his new look clothes, about his social life perking up and now he feels rubbish.

How can I help him?

I think you’ve done what you can. Drawing more attention to it will give it more importance than it needs. It was thoughtless and bitchy of her, she was probably drunk.

Maybe, but I know he'll brood on it. I don't want to keep drawing attention to it, but most of all I don't want it to knock his confidence long term. And I don't know how to stop it from doing that.

AS horid as it is this is teanage life isn't it. Kids can be mean just focus on the good things and his actual friends.

What a mean girl!
Poor DS. I'd say he's best off without the attention of such a shallow rude girl. I think the saying 'you have to meet a lot of frogs before you find a prince (or princess)' applies here!

I wouldn’t go too heavy on the bitchy element, the last thing you want is a young man who grows up to be bitter with women.

I think I would approach it more as learning robustness. Everyone needs to know that people fancy different people, Attractions can grow and wane, most people are drawn to fun and humour after the initial pretty faces dazzle them.

Teach him to laugh at himself and learn to shrug his shoulders, life doesn’t have to be too heavy.

I’m gutted on your DS’ behalf, some kids are so bitchy and do not care about the fallout of their actions, kids can be such nasty little fuckers, just keep building his confidence up, he sounds like a little sweetheart. Hugs to you both x

Very harsh of her could of worded it a bit better just said he wasn’t her type. Teenagers are arses sometimes saying things not realising how it would makes others feel. Just encourage him not to dwell on it.

Op, as shit as it is, this is typical teenage behavuour. It's not about some daft comment this girl made, it's about your sons resilience and ability to deal with life, which will become more important as he gets older, you won't be able to protect him forever.

I think you need to laugh it off. Teach him to laugh it off. If you see him brooding just tease him and explain it's a silly comment and doesn't mean anything, keep making it irrelevant.

@CalmFizz - totally agree with what you said about bitchiness and about taking this sort of thing lightly. Things is, as he has ASD, I need to teach him that. It won't be something he works out naturally. But that's definitely the right attitude.

Thank you all so much. I was really upset on his behalf, but of course, the best way is to not dwell on it and to show resilience about that sort of thing. If he mentions it again, that's what I'll do.

My DS joined a local young people’s drama group...he has met some really easy going teens, I think it just brings together lots of interesting people, who are less concerned with how they look and more into how to make each other laugh. You may have to shop around but drama is great on so many levels (this is improv at a small indie theatre, not one of the big manufactured ‘lets-do-a-musical’ groups)

@bionicnemonic - that sounds gorgeous. I did youth theatre too and agree. My teenage years were blissfully free of bitchiness and cliques. We all hung out together. Everyone was always included at all parties, and romances sprang up between all sorts of people because we really did focus on personality not looks. It was such a happy time. DS is very resistant to the idea though. Probably because I did it so that makes it uncool.

My DS and I have a little routine...when he doesn’t want to do something and I want him to just try it maybe for one term (he loves choir now...resisted it for ages!) I always start by saying ‘what would Nike say?’ And he finishes off ‘you miss 100% of the shots that you don’t take’ It doesn’t always work but it’s a bit more neutral than me nagging him directly! (Incidentally nike have some great quotes for perseverance)

That's helpful bionic. That sort of thing gets through to him.