how to get 16yo son to open up about feelings

[RosamundButterfly]

Ds16 doesn't talk about feelings. Ever. Just clams up. Everything is "fine" at best or a grunt (or silence) at worst. Very reserved, introverted but has always had friends although doesn't talk about feelings with them, just sport and stuff, as far as I can tell.

I have reason to suspect he might be troubled, possibly anxious or even depressed (won't tell full story as would be outing)

How can I get him to open up?

Private counselling?

GP?

I have tried and tried but he just rolls his eyes and says "everything's fine Mum" - he just doesn't want to open up to me. Makes me sad as I want to be there for him

Can you try to indicate what has made you think he's not ok by changing some details? That's what most people do on here when they're afraid their situation is too specific. Without more information, it's hard to advise as for all we know you're being anxious about nothing.

I found my children opened up to me when we were driving. Can you take him on a long drive somewhere?

I think it’s wrong to make people talk about their feelings if they do n’t want to. If he’s doing ok at school and playing sport he’s unlikely to be anxious or depressed

I remember being that sort of teenager, and if I suspected my parents were trying to get something out of me, I’d clam up all the more. Also if I had a project or idea of my own in mind, I’d say nothing until it was well underway, in case my loving parents tried to talk me out of it.

I agree about driving and walking, as there’s less eye contact. Is he close to other family members, such as aunts or uncles, or grandparents? Encouraging him to spend time with them might help.

Thanks, some good ideas. Appreciate all the replies.

Another parent contacted me - seems ds has been sending some nihilistic and possibly depressed sounding messages to her kid late into the night and she was concerned.

I have been letting him stay up late in summer hols. Post GCSEs and all.

TBH I think it sounds relatively normal for a 16yo myself... but didn't want to dismiss her concerns... it's made me realise I have no idea what's going on in his head. He doesn't have to tell me everything it's just that at the moment I don't think he'd tell me even if he was feeling really sad or upset or something

Unfortunately no close trusted family members nearby.

where are all the fun but sensitive and trustworthy local uncles when you need them!!

Let him say as little or as much in his own time as he wants.

Listen when he's wiling to talk about anything. Even if it's who won a wrestling match or some obscure game tactic.... or it's 11:59pm. As much as possible: Listen. Don't advise & try to keep questions to a minimum.

Ask him for help or advice about something safeish in your life. Listen when he responds. Make it clear you value his opinion.

Give him safe choices about things that affect him. "I'm about to go shopping. I cant decide between burgers or chicken tonight, what do you reckon?... Really, you don't care? Oh dear. I can't figure it out either! Ok. Text me if you decide in next 20 minutes." Again: mostly just listen & value his opinion & keep nudging his attention towards communication options.

Is there anything he can help you with... like moving furniture or getting stuff off a high shelf.

'Outing '🙄🙄

@lljkk thank you - that is all great advice. I do listen whenever he talks which means I know loads about the sports he's into! I will try some of the other tactics too. Thank you

@littlemeitslyn sorry if I used a bad phrase. Didn't mean to

“If he’s doing ok at school and playing sport he’s unlikely to be anxious or depressed” Really?

“I found my children opened up to me when we were driving. Can you take him on a long drive somewhere?” Yes absolutely @Winterlife - best way of having a conversation with a teen or child!

@RosamundButterfly is his dad on the scene?

Good advice from @lljkk.

Jointhemicrodots sorry yes his dad very much on the scene but same story - ds won't open up to either of us. Has always been closer to me, we have stuff in common. We do talk just not about feelings & emotions.

And sorry of course I didn't mean that doing ok at school means you're not depressed - sorry. I suppose I just meant that I hadn't seen any visible signs or hints that he might be struggling so I hadn't worried. I'm sorry if that sounds stupid, I'm wording this all very badly

Would he reply if you message him? Just be honest and say you’re a bit concerned about him and you want to know how he is feeling- but you agree you won’t talk to him about it if he can maybe message you instead? Just a thought as the friend said he was messaging stuff so maybe that’s his choice of communication?

I think @lljkk's advice is good and wish i was that reserved but I'm not. I always let DS know if I can tell there's something wrong. He may be saying 'it's fine' because he doesn;t want to worry you but you are already worried.

I think I;d be straightforward about it and say, 'You keep saying 'it's fine' but I can tell it's not. You are withdrawn and your body language and tone of voice are telling me things are far from fine. Then X's mum rang because she's worried about you too. I'm not being nosey but you deserve some help and support if you need some and in my opinion as your mum, I think you need some right now.'

Speak in a very gentle quiet voice and don't make too much eye contact. If you ask him a question, stay patient but make it clear you need an answer. Whatever he answers, say 'thank you for telling me' without judgement.

Both my two have been in pickles before and this tactic got them to explain what was upsetting them.

Meant to say, they were very relieved once they had spoken about it.

I have resorted to "You WOULD tell me and ask for help if anything major bad was going on, right?" Gives them choice... and responsibility.

Taking them on an errand & offering to buy them food as sweetener, eg "Can we go to town to get you new school shoes & I'll buy us ice creams" can create opportunities for them to find something to say. Park far from the shop so the walking is longer :).

I have resorted to "You WOULD tell me and ask for help if anything major bad was going on, right?"
I think this works if you have close relationship. But my mum used to say that and I'd always say yes but never dream of telling her anything. She was always too clearly stressed by adult life to handle my woes as well. I interpreted that 'You would tell me if...' line as meaning, 'I don't need to spend time and effort coaxing anything out of you do I, because my heart's not in it.' Also I was a very clammed up child and I know my DC are too, so that line (which I used to try and use in the past, had proved unreliable. DS2 has said all is well and it's transpired all was far from well, he just didn't want to face up to it or thought he'd get into trouble.

So much depends on the personality of the child and the relationship you have with them.

Thanks all, I have tried some of the tactics above.

"You WOULD tell me... wouldn't you?" He says yes- but I doubt that's true.

I've messaged him, and when he eventually replies (after being asked to) its something like, "i'm fine".

I try milliefiori tactic practically daily - gentle but firm, but he just gets angry or irritated or shuts down and just will not talk to me. At all. About anything. No matter how much I explain why I'm asking and why I'm concerned.

I do feel at my wits' end and have a GP appointment booked for him because things are not right and I need some help.

Thank you to all who took the time to reply.