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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

sleepovers

24 replies

billsnewhat · 29/08/2019 20:58

So now my DD is a 13 the afternoon playdates have been replaced by sleepovers. I am not a fan but I do them as this is the norm for 13 yr olds. My DH really does not like other children in his house and when kids were little the playdates could be done when he was at work but now when the sleepovers start at 4/5pm and last until 10am the next morning he has to tolerate other children in our house. I only ever have one at a time and have probably done 4 all holiday. Teenagers are loud it is mainly laughing and giggling sometimes early evening they run around a bit. My husband says they disrespect the house because they eat biscuits in my dd's room without asking and they just use the toilet without checking it is ok first. He hates the fact I am going against his wishes and allowing sleepovers when he doesn't!! Unfortunately 2-5pm playdates are now a thing of the past and I can't change that. I know he really struggles with other children in his house but as our DD is getting older it is very hard to never allow her friends here when he is home. I am standing up to him on this one but he says our teenager is ruling the roost and if dad says no it means no!! Is this fair??

OP posts:

Cyclemad222 · 29/08/2019 21:02

He's being an arse. You're on the start of teenage years in which you'll have more stressful things to deal with than biscuit crumbs.
If he thinks the 'man of the house' routine will have your daughter toeing the line, he's deluded.
He sounds very strict. What's wrong with visitors using the toilet?

Cyclemad222 · 29/08/2019 21:04

Also you call it 'his house' twice. There's your problem. It's home to all of you, he doesn't get to control it.

oliviaskies · 29/08/2019 21:26

Am I misunderstanding, or does he actually expect 13 year old visitors to go and find him, and ask him to go to the toilet? My DD would feel so uncomfortable with that, and I probably wouldn't allow her to go back if she told me that.

iklboo · 29/08/2019 21:28

They have to ask to use the toilet? He knows it's 2019, right?

Justkeeprollingalong · 29/08/2019 21:44

He wants overnight visitors (of any age) to ask to use the toilet? Ridiculous.

Oly4 · 29/08/2019 21:48

He is being extremely unreasonable!! Preventing sleepovers will make your daughter miserable.. what is wrong with him?
Asking to use the toilet is also ridiculous. Also, why is it “his house”.
I find it strange that a parent never wants other children in the house - very odd.
If he stops his daughter having friends over, it will alienate her from you

Lara53 · 29/08/2019 21:50

Your DH is being ridiculous. I understand not wanting lots of kids in your house all the time - believe me as a teacher I get it. I limit sleepovers to one friend at a time/ school holidays unless it’s a birthday and they can have 3/4 friends. I also find it unbelievable that he expects them to ask permission to go to the toilet - assuming your house is not a prison???

Set a few ground rules - no food upstairs perhaps. Quiet activities only after x o’clock. Girls are far noisier on sleepovers than boys I find. Or failing that your DH stays elsewhere when your dd hosts a sleepover 🤣

Original poster

billsnewhat · 29/08/2019 21:58

He has a huge thing about respect and how the youth of today disrespect everything and everyone. He is so very OTT about the house it actually means more to him than the people in it. I think (actually I know!!) he is on the spectrum as he cannot deal with any type of noise or chaos and when the children were little he could avoid it but as the kids are getting older it is becoming increasingly difficult for him to completely avoid it. It is only going to get worse as the kids get older - unfortunately for him neither of our kids are gamers so they are always active and busy not just shut in their rooms on their own being quiet!!! He thinks it is respectful to always ask an adult before you use the toilet in someone elses house and when my DD said she doesn't ask at other peoples houses he was shocked as says she has been brought up to respect other people. He does overly respect other people though. Such as not having bbq's when neighbours are in so they don't have to deal with the smell and he doesn't like our kids playing on the green space opposite his mums house with the other children as the old people will not like the noise!!! I have her other friend sleeping over saturday night. I've told him to stay at his mum's!!!!

OP posts:

Elieza · 29/08/2019 22:58

The asking to use the toilet thing is weird.
Screeching messy teens are annoying but when it’s only once in a blue moon where’s the harm. Good plan asking him to go to his mum’s. Problem solved.

Breastfeedingworries · 29/08/2019 23:04

Asking to use the loo is very strange, also she’s 13, there’s a lot of tricky years to come. My parents let me have 15 girls stay over when I was in year 7. There’s a lot of space in their house, put sleeping bags all over the red room and had a whale of a time. My parents are into folk parties and all sorts so guess they were more accommodating. Your dh does sound mediaeval though, your dds friend won’t like asking to use the loo! X

Aramox · 30/08/2019 22:31

I agree this sounds off but at 13 all the kids I know still mostly make daytime plans- what else are they doing?

Arewedone · 30/08/2019 23:58

But it’s your children’s home too not just his home, your children should feel comfortable in their own home!
Is he projecting his own upbringing?

JustDanceAddict · 31/08/2019 10:17

That’s not normal! I’m
Not a massive fan ofsleepovers, but I allow for birthdays, in school holidays and if needed for any reason. One-to-one is certainly not a problem at all as they just chat.

As for asking to use the loo - wtaf? My kids also eat in their rooms esp when they have friends over. Just hoover afterwards. If a friend of theirs asked to go to the loo I’d think it v odd, but new ones sometimes ask where it is which is normal.

BackInTime · 01/09/2019 10:17

I think your DH really needs to change his attitude to young people as it is disrespectful to your DD. I find DDs friends to be incredibly polite and respectful but I wouldn't ever expect them to ask to use the toilet. If your DH does not want your DD to have friends over as she grows up she will want spend more and more time out of your house and at someone else's. This means that you have less and less contact with her and you will not get to know her friends and what they are doing. Would he prefer that if were hanging out in town or the park?

Fleetheart · 01/09/2019 10:43

I think this is a whole bigger deal than sleepovers. Your children are now getting to the age where they need to feel it is their house not just his house. If he carries on like this he will alienate her. Adjusting to your children turning into teenagers is massively challenging for all of us, for him it sounds even harder. Do you think he would go to teens classes? I found that very helpful, showing how teens brains change etc etc

Bubblysqueak · 01/09/2019 12:11

He will end up pushing her away and she will end up spending more and more time at other people's homes rather than her own and will probably make her want to move out and soon as she can.

helpmeiamatoad · 01/09/2019 12:16

It’s very very weird that he expects guests staying overnight to ask before they use the toilet. What if they need to go at 2am when you’re both asleep?!

Drum2018 · 01/09/2019 12:24

just use the toilet without checking it is ok first

Please set him straight on this - he is being ridiculous and quite controlling expecting anyone to ask him if they can use the toilet. Does he expect other adults to ask him or is it just kids he likes to make uncomfortable by having to ask permission? Reassure your dd that she doesn't have to ask to use the toilet elsewhere.

He sounds like a pain in the arse. I'm sure you don't have kids over each weekend so let him suck it up. However, I'd say you'll find that your kids friends won't want to stay anyway as no doubt he'll make them too uncomfortable to want to.

Eeyoreshouse · 01/09/2019 12:35

Give him some books on teen girls to read. "Disentangled" is good. Or get him on a parenting course.

Being this controlling when your Dd is just 13 yrs old is likely to lead to trouble and rebellion later on if she doesn't feel comfortable in her own home. Does he know how lucky he is to have a teen daughter who is active and not permanently attached to her phone?

Explain to him that rules and regs are all very well (not the loo one!) but she needs to know he is on her side and that he has her back. If she doesn't feel comfortable in her own home she will start to see him as the enemy.

Ringdonna · 01/09/2019 20:21

I am on your hubby’s side. Teenage girl sleepover? Worst nightmare!

NerrSnerr · 01/09/2019 20:28

they just use the toilet without checking it is ok first.

My daughter is 5 and I wouldn't expect her friends to ask to use the toilet if they needed to go.

What if the guest needs a wee at 2am on the sleepover. Should she go and wake you up to ask?

She'll end up just going out as she gets older. She'll go to other people's houses or anywhere to see her friends as they won't feel welcome at your house.

Sparklypen · 02/09/2019 19:16

Send him to his mum's! Does he expect other adults to ask permission to use the toilet? Does he ask other people permission to use their loo? Surely most people just go?

Apolloanddaphne · 02/09/2019 19:21

The asking to go to the toilet is very bizarre. No teenage girl will be comfortable with asking someones dad this. Your DD will find her friends won't want to come round if he persists in this strange notion and he will alienate her.

SnowsInWater · 04/09/2019 07:16

I guess you need to decide if having kids at yours so knowing where your DD is or not having other kids round so your DD will often be at other people's houses as she gets older is more important. I always encouraged my kids to have friends over as I like to be in the loop. I am not a big fan of sleepovers but luckily neither are my kids so I say yes if asked but it's not too often.

If I heard that my kids had to ask permission from a friend's dad to use the loo I would think "weirdo" and would probably say no to a sleepover at that friend's house. I do work with a lot of women experiencing DV though which probably makes me more alert to controlling behaviour.

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